I am TRANSFIGURING…RE-COMPOSING…
In a process of…RESTORATION…
A Death…and Rebirth…of the Self…
Something new…is being born…in this Springtime of my Life…
This Awakening-Goddess-Time…
I wonder who…what…why…where…how…when and with whom…this New Self shall be…
Only Time will tell…in this slow…oftentimes agonizing process of…
New Being…
New Life…
Unfolding in TIMESPACE…
Toni Roberts
Storm Clouds Over The Sound – Photo by Toni Roberts
cloudy…
foggy…
misty…
beautiful…
the kind of day
my
beloved grandson
preferred…
reflections
of his
state of being…
what a shame he cannot be
here-now…
with his
Nana…
sharing the
glory
of
being
human…
feeling melancholy…
feeling my boy…
More:
http://www.fineartamerica.com/artist/toni+roberts
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Stock Photo
as I reach another fork in the road
it occurs to me that
old age…aging…
diseases of old age
and all that
stuff…
are mere
illusions
of
collective human creation
and although it saddens me
to lose beloved friends and lifelong companions who
one by one
are buying into to the
myth…
I refuse to follow them…
and thus
I find myself
alone
and once again at
another fork in the road...
do I go left…
joining my loved ones
who now drag worn and tired bodies
down the known paths of:
old age…disease…death
or
do I veer right
only to find myself once again
treading the
lonely dark path
of
the unknown
with only
hope
prayer
faith
and
trust in the invisible
to light my way to
continued health
vigor
ceaseless renewal
beauty
peace
endless creativity
and the
ultimate fulfillment
of my
purpose
in
being…
Toni Roberts’ Artwork and Photography May Be Viewed & Purchased at:
http://www.cafepress.com/DaughtersofGaia
http://www.cafepress.com/orishatreasures
Photo by Toni Roberts
Season of death and harvest
Time of decay and falling away…
Summer’s death in
Blazing fires of
Red and gold
That promise the return of glory
Photo by Toni Roberts
Photo by Toni Roberts
When at that place in
TIME
Where
Death
and
Rebirth
Merge
The Sage ceases all outer activity
To partake of
Divine Sustenance at the
Mother’s Breast:
Source of all Being
They took my beloved Ayanna off of life support today. The body is slowly shutting down. I can no longer say her body because I sense her soul has already returned to the Meeting Place: that SpaceTime wherein we make our plans for the next excursion to flesh bodies
I weep–not for my beloved–for she is free
I weep for myself
For the heavy ache of her absence
I weep for the loss of that bubbly personality…
And the shared jokes that only she and I got
I am already missing the Emails…
And the telephone conversations
In which we dared to reveal to one another
Parts of ourselves ordinarily kept hidden
I miss the easy going intimacy we shared…
And the trust
You hold a piece of my heart baby-girl…
And I will always treasure the part of you
That you left behind…as memories
I will always treasure the uniqueness of the daughter-from-another-mother relationship we shared in this go-round as spirits-in-flesh. And although I so look forward to our reunion on the Other Side, I am in no hurry to leave this crazy Third-Dimension that we both so thoroughly enjoy. I will continue drumming my ass off every Saturday–hoping the reverberations reach all the way to Wherever you are. I will walk my mile a day–take my supplements and eat organic–in the care of this holy temple. I will continue plunging fully into the exquisite joy of living. I will squeeze every drop of Love that I can–into each day–just as you did–beloved baby-girl–
Niece…daughter of my heart…
I bid you adieu, sweet one…A Dios…See ya’…
Just talked with Y
We cried together
Our love for Joseph binds us and
Out of that love has been born
A loving connection with each other
That will not fade with the passage of time
We are bound through him
For all Eternity
My heart is at peace
Despite the great sadness at its center
Deep loss…
My Joseph…
Gone from the flesh
We shall meet again
Joseph Koonce and I…
We shall once more
“Hook-up” in the 3-D
In another Time…
In another here-now…
To give each other that nudge…
or shove, as the case may be
That awakens one from
The Deep Sleep:
From the fascination…mesmerization…
And glamour of flesh-suits and Earth life
With all of its glitz, glory, pain, joy and love…
Oh…the intensity…the ecstasy…
of the Love…
We shall appear again in each other’s lives
in anther times-pace…another here-now
To press each other forward
along this remarkable journey of
Awakening
Thank you, Joseph Koonce
My teacher and student
from 1994 to 2013–earth time
I release you back into the Loving Arms of
the Mother
Oh…Joe…
Just one last favor?
Now that you’re back with the Source—
Or closer to It than I am–
Do you think you can send someone
To fill the hole you just left in
My heart and life?
souls leaving without saying good-bye…
Spoke to my old college buddy, M., this morning.
Her husband, C., keeled over and died in the middle of their conversation
in their hotel room
Friday morning.
There he was one minute yammering away
and then he was gone
in
a
split
second.
M. was asking him from the bathroom,
having just gotten out of the shower herself,
if he was going to shower next or
wait until morning?
“Now.” He answers her. “I can smell myself.”
Then...thud…
She hears what sounds like something dropping on the floor
in the next room.
And sure enough…
something had dropped on the floor…
her husband.
He was stone, cold dead.
That makes me weep.
I weep not
for my friend, M.
nor for her husband, C.
I weep because life is so fragile…
so temporary…
so uncertain.
As I sit here at my window altar
writing these words,
I have no way of knowing if they will be my last
and if in a week or so
my daughter will be using her
emergency key to enter my apartment
to dispose of my rotting, stinking body
after my soul had up and decided to leave today
without even saying good-bye.
That thought makes makes me laugh…
And think.
And I am then filled with gratitude
another beautiful day of life…
for having left this apartment yesterday
to meet up with my Sister Drum Slut, Y.
where I drummed my ass off
along with a handful of diehard drummers
squeezing in as much drumming as we can
before fall turns to winter
and it’s just too damn cold
to sit out there in the park
drumming for hours as if
our lives depended upon it.
And they do…
our lives…
depend upon it…
at least mine does…
We drummed as if our spirits
would up and leave
without
saying
good-bye…
if we didn’t drum for our lives…
time for deep communing...
“Conversations with God,” II: Journal Entries—10/12/07 – 10/14/07
10/12/07
Toni
You know what, God; all of this cancer information is a bit much. It’s as if everyone is afraid of cancer. Like it’s this BIG SCARY THING. I am not afraid of it. I think I’m more afraid of putting chemicals in my body but then everyone has me spooked about what will happen to me if I don’t! What do I do, Lord?
I know in the end I will follow my own heart. If I take chemo, it will be a fear-based decision. But I’m afraid not to take it. What should I do, Lord? All things being what they are, what makes best sense? But I actually don’t know how things really are. I only know what they appear to be. And we are told to ignore appearances, for appearances or physical reality is but a reflection, a three-dimensional representation of the beliefs, emotions, etc., that we hold in consciousness…What say You?
Immediate Inner Response:
At this moment, TR, you do not have the decision to make. It is not time yet. You will see Dr. S. on Monday and he will give you the facts from his viewpoint or perspective. You will make decisions as you go along, remembering that chemo will not kill you if it’s not your time to go; and believe me, child, you still have much left to do in this lifetime. Fear not! Just continue enjoying each and every day of your life as you are doing now. Do not worry about tomorrow. Stay in the NOW—in the present. Make decisions as the time for making them unfolds before you.
10/14/07
Toni
What do I really, really want?
The direction and tutelage of my Divine Soul; to no longer live by the decisions of my mind-personality-ego but to permit my life to unfold day by day, step by step from that inner place of knowing; knowing that all of my needs are met even before I am aware of what they are.
1:43 p.m.
Phew! Overdid it again. Boy do I overestimate my physical strength. Bought too many things; the bags were too heavy; won’t do that again. There is a huge difference between walking around your apartment and walking in the street and shopping and carrying a load of groceries home. From now on I will limit my outdoor trips to the bench where I’ll sit in the sunshine!
4:10 p.m.
Feeling so sad. Lonely. Down. Bored. Woman here—the aide. She’s done all of her work already; in just 1 ½ hours. She now has another 1 ½ hour to go. Wish she could leave early so that I could be alone for the rest of the day. But she has to “clock-out” by telephone; won’t get paid for the three hours if she doesn’t put the time in. And so, I have to baby sit the home health aide.
When did the sadness begin? It was right after I spoke to R and J. J had R call me from the park. He had told her that I had undergone surgery. I only confirmed to her that it was serious, that I was healing but wouldn’t be back to drumming until next summer. That made me sad. I so miss drumming in the park.
Also felt low when I got back from shopping earlier and had to come to terms with the reality of my physical condition; had to accept the fact that recovery and healing will be a slow process; that Speedo Toni has to slow down.
What am I to be doing while my body is healing, God?
Immediate Inner Response:
Understand that this is a long journey. You will not be healed and up and about and running the streets in a month or even in two or three months. This is a process. And you have been stilled despite yourself. You understand that the stillness that is required of you now, could not have been achieved without something major knocking you down and putting you out of the game. You would not have just stopped on your own. I know it and you know it. So, be still, my love. Allow your own divine soul, the Christ Part of you that is ME to finally emerge from the place where you, the ego-personality, has kept it hidden away; in the background, following the ego-leader, round and round on that merry-go-round of a life that you’ve been living since listening to your father and that psychiatrist when your daughter was still but an infant.
You must journey all the way back to that fork in the road and meet up with that young woman again. You are now free; no children; no pets; nothing but your life stretched out ahead of you; years and years more of life, a whole new lifetime before you, in which to do it over again; to do what your soul came to do before it was so thoroughly conditioned by family, racial group, society, peers…
Who are you, really? Where and how do you want to spend the rest of your life? You have more time left now than you’ve already spent from that time at the fork in the road. Go back there. Find that young woman. This time, follow her and not your father and the psychiatrist.
Slow down. You have plenty of time. Slow down. There is no rush.
Toni
And so, today I put forth the container of my self-Self to be filled and I let my Divine mission unfold before me.
Declaration of Intention- 10/14/07; Sunday, 4:52 p.m.:
I intend to find and connect with my Soul; the Essential Self that came to this flesh body to serve a unique function as part of the Godhead on earth during this lifetime. I intend to reach back in time and touch that Soul when She/It was clear; before She/It made decisions that were very much conditioned by family, society—the world. I return to a time before the decision was made to take the path that led to this moment: breast cancer-mastectomy-reconstructive surgery-laid-up-for-months-recovery, recuperation and the resultant creation of a new self.
I intend to surrender this life, the remainder of it, to the guidance, leadership and direction of my own Divine Soul-Goddess Self who came to do something that can only be done by the Soul that inhabits the body of this entity called Toni Roberts. Așe.
So be it on this 14th day of October in the year 2007.
all's right in the world...
My “Conversations with God” October 5, – October 8, 2007
10/5/07
4:24 PM
Looking at Oprah. Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of Eat, Pray, Love is being interviewed. I am feeling very jealous; but knowing that it is now that I must truly turn to God for answers for I KNOW NOT WHAT TO DO. Am very frightened re prospect of chemotherapy.
What do I do, my God? Please direct me. Thank You.
Immediate Inner Response:
This, my dear is the beginning of the real journey. Jimmy (my dead father!) will deliver the vehicle you will ride inward to the Voice and Wisdom of the Divine. All answers—your way will unfold. And without thinking or planning or even knowing, you will find that way—your way—unfolding as you place one foot before the other and walk through your life.
10/6/07
8:25 AM
Toni:
And so, God, what am I supposed to do with this day? What is it You would have me do with this day of my life? What function? What purpose?
Immediate Inner Response:
The function and purpose of your life each day, my dear one, is to live it. Not from some pre-ordained, pre-arranged “Plan” set in heaven or in earth but to live moment by moment from the truth of your heart. That is the purpose, the function of any life.
Even I do not know what you will do, how you will live in the next second of your life. For what would be the role, the function of FREE WILL if all was already set in stone by ME or any other being?
Toni:
So, instead of looking for a pre-known plan for each moment of my life, I will let it unfold as it will; paying strict attention to my own heart; my own desires; and stop trying to sublimate my desires to live the Buddhist Way; denying my desires because I believe them too carnal—too low-CHAKRA; not lofty enough for such a spiritually evolved being as I.
10/07/07
AM
What do I really, really, really want today? Well, at this moment…a peaceful day of doing absolutely nothing. To be alone with my Self in a clean apartment without the woman being here to clean it. Peace. Solitude. Maybe just Y. (my niece visiting from out of town) coming over to talk and visit with me.
PM
Did get a day alone. Well there was the visit from my friend, C. and J., the aide—but other than those two—alone—and came face to face with two of the seemingly many saboteurs who hide out within: Lady Vanity and Spoiled Child, who was actually getting into a snitch about Y., B. and G. going to my mother’s house and not coming over here. Spoiled Child “performed” for D. and the nurse, who both immediately put me in my selfish, self-centered, spoiled child place.
Toni:
God, how do I trust myself? How do I know when it is the Self or just one of the many destructive, inner saboteurs running the show? How do I know the difference?
Immediate Inner Response:
You know by the consequences.
Toni:
That’s not satisfactory. I want to avoid bad consequences by not performing the behavior that results in bad circumstances.
Immediate Inner Response:
When you feel the way you felt today; all irrationally emotional and not loved; like a neglected, unloved, abandoned child in face of the reality to the contrary; when you feel the way you did as a child—then you will know.
10/08/07
Well, what kind of day shall this be? Quiet? Pensive? Introspective? You know, God, I don’t know that I really know myself. I wonder…like Spoiled Child who threw a major tantrum yesterday because she was not the center of attention. Although in her heart, she didn’t truly want all of that company, she really expected her brother to go pick up her mother—her 87 year old mother who has been through carpal tunnel surgery, cataract surgery, two knee replacements, three heart attacks; open heart surgery; a mastectomy, a lumpectomy, radiation treatments and is who is on Tamoxifen and dozens of other drugs for-the-rest-of-her-life-mother—and bring all of them over here to Spoiled Child’s house.
Boy, I shocked and disappointed my friend, C. and of course, D., was thoroughly disgusted with me when I related the whole tale to them. Wow. It wasn’t until C. said what she said to me that I was able to look at myself and see what and who she and D. were seeing. Am I always so self-involved and self-centered? Probably.
Please help me to see myself as others see me; to see my behavior; to not let Spoiled Child and Lady Vanity run my life. Thank You. Is there anything You have to say to me this morning, God, which will perhaps cause this to be a better day? Any guidance? Direction?
Immediate Inner Response:
Stay awake. Don’t go back to sleep. Especially be very aware—attentive to your emotions. Remember how you felt when you had your Spoiled Child meltdown yesterday—the emotional pain, the anger, the feelings that they (your family) didn’t love you and that you, therefore, didn’t care about them; that you would just cross them out of your life. Ask yourself: when did you used to feel like that? When did you experience those same emotions? When you were a child! When you were not getting love in the way you needed it. When you feel that way now, it is a signal that—not so much the spoiled child—but the hurt, wounded, emotionally neglected and abandoned child has come back up to the surface of the personality, and is getting ready to run the show from her hurt, pain and wounds.
It is then time for you to remember, you are not that child any longer. You are very loved and respected by your brother, mother and especially by your nieces. They think that you are the greatest!
It is time for you to live up to the high image of yourself that you have put forward all of these years. You are being watched; from those above and those below. They are watching you very carefully to see how you come out of this challenge; a serious challenge, yes, but not necessarily deadly. Remember: you still call the shots about when to stay and when to leave; and what to do while you are here; about the quality of your journey; who you are and how you behave. Ask yourself: do I really want to stay here? What do I truly want in my heart?
Toni:
My health back! My strength! My strong, beautiful body! To be whole! Disease-free!
Reflections:
I am a spiritual warrior. One who has a mission and is committed to that mission regardless of what obstacles may appear. And what is my mission? The fulfillment of my Soul’s purpose for being here-now.
I now commit myself with discipline to find my new path; to complete this transformation and to fulfill my Soul’s function and purpose this lifetime. And I can only know and express that by exploring the deepest and tiniest desires of my heart.
I now ride the rushing waves of my life! Living fully from every CHAKRA; even the first and second! I am ready to know myself again as a sexual being. I am willing to let go of old paradigms of which I am probably not even aware and within which I am still living. I release my past. I step out of the box and am ready to jump into the void—the unknown which will lead to freedom, joy, health, abundance and love…love…love!
Toni Roberts' Photojournal of Self-Transformation 