one woman's journey to wholeness…

Posts tagged ‘death’

Feeling Melancholy…Feeling My Boy…

view grandfather 016

Storm Clouds Over The Sound – Photo by Toni Roberts

 

cloudy

foggy

misty

beautiful

 

the kind of day

my

beloved grandson

preferred…

 

reflections

of his

state of being

 

what a shame he cannot be

here-now

 with his

Nana…

 

sharing the

glory

of

being

   human

 

feeling melancholy…

 feeling my boy…

 

 

More:

http://www.fineartamerica.com/artist/toni+roberts

https://www.facebook.com/gaiadaughters

 

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On Death…Dying…And Diseases Of Old Age…

Stock Photo

Stock Photo

as I reach another fork in the road

it occurs to me that

old age…aging…

diseases of old age

   and all that

   stuff

are mere

illusions

of

collective human creation

and although it saddens me

to lose beloved friends and lifelong companions who

one by one

are buying into to the

   myth…

   I refuse to follow them…

and thus

I find myself

alone

and once again at

   another fork in the road...

   do I go left…

joining my loved ones

who now drag worn and tired bodies

down the known paths of:

old age…disease…death

or

do I veer right

only to find myself once again

treading the

lonely dark path

of

the unknown

with only

hope

prayer

faith

and

trust in the invisible

to light my way to

continued health

vigor

ceaseless renewal

beauty

peace

endless creativity

and the

ultimate fulfillment

of my

purpose

in

   being

Toni Roberts’ Artwork and Photography May Be Viewed & Purchased at:

 http://www.cafepress.com/DaughtersofGaia

http://www.cafepress.com/orishatreasures

http://www.fineartamerica.com/art/all/toni+roberts/all

http://toniroberts.imagekind.com

On A Fall Day I Can See Forever…

Photo by Toni Roberts

Photo by Toni Roberts

 

Season of death and harvest

Time of decay and falling away…

Summer’s death in

Blazing fires of

Red and gold

That promise the return of glory

Photo by Toni Roberts

Photo by Toni Roberts

The Sage…

Photo by Toni Roberts

Photo by Toni Roberts

 

When at that place in

TIME

Where

Death

and

Rebirth

Merge

The Sage ceases all outer activity

To partake of

Divine Sustenance at the

Mother’s Breast:

Source of all Being

Farewell to Ayanna Guyhto…My Beloved Niece…

Yana and bijou 2012They took my beloved Ayanna off of life support today. The body is slowly shutting down. I can no longer say her body because I sense her soul has already returned to the Meeting Place: that SpaceTime wherein we make our plans for the next excursion to flesh bodies

I weep–not for my beloved–for she is free

I weep for myself

For the heavy ache of her absence

I weep for the loss of that bubbly personality…

And the shared jokes that only she and I got

I am already missing the Emails…

And the telephone conversations

In which we dared to reveal to one another

Parts of ourselves ordinarily kept hidden

I miss the easy going intimacy we shared…

And the trust

You hold a piece of my heart baby-girl…

And I will always treasure the part of you

That you left behind…as memories

I will always treasure the uniqueness of the daughter-from-another-mother relationship we shared in this go-round as spirits-in-flesh. And although I so look forward to our reunion on the Other Side, I am in no hurry to leave this crazy Third-Dimension that we both so thoroughly enjoy. I will continue drumming my ass off every Saturday–hoping the reverberations reach all the way to Wherever you are. I will walk my mile a day–take my supplements and eat organic–in the care of this holy temple.  I will continue plunging fully into the exquisite joy of living. I will squeeze every drop of Love that I can–into each day–just as you did–beloved baby-girl–

Niece…daughter of my heart

I bid you adieu, sweet one…A Dios…See ya’…

In Memory of Joseph Koonce…My Ol’ Drumming Buddy…

8 27 2012 044

Just talked with Y

We cried  together

Our love for Joseph binds us and

Out of that love has been born

A loving connection with each other

That will not fade with the passage of time

We are bound through him

For all Eternity

8 26 2012 027

My heart is at peace

Despite the great sadness at its center

Deep loss…

My Joseph

Gone from the flesh

We shall meet again

Joseph Koonce and I…

We shall once more

“Hook-up” in the 3-D

In another Time

In another here-now…

To give each other that nudge

or shove, as the case may be

That awakens one from

The Deep Sleep:

From the fascination…mesmerization…

And glamour of  flesh-suits and  Earth life

With all of its glitz, glory, pain, joy and love…

Oh…the intensity…the ecstasy…

of the Love

We shall appear again in each other’s lives

in anther times-pace…another here-now

To press each other forward

along this remarkable journey of

Awakening 

Thank you, Joseph Koonce

My teacher and student

from 1994 to 2013–earth time

I release you back into the Loving Arms of

the Mother 

9 30 2012 034

Oh…Joe…

Just one last favor?

Now that you’re back with the Source

Or closer to It than I am–

Do you think you can send someone

To fill the hole you just left in

My heart and life?

On Death…Dying…Souls Leaving Without Saying Good-bye…Tears…Laughter and Drumming For My Life In Marcus Garvey Park…

souls leaving without saying good-bye…

Spoke to my old college buddy, M., this morning.

Her husband, C., keeled over and died in the middle of their conversation

in their hotel room

in Atlantic City

Friday morning.

There he was one minute yammering away

and then he was gone

in

a

split

second.

M. was asking him from the bathroom,

having just gotten out of the shower herself,

if he was going to shower next or

wait until morning?

“Now.” He answers her. “I can smell myself.”

Then...thud

She hears what sounds like something dropping on the floor

in the next room.

And sure enough…

something had dropped on the floor…

her husband.

He was stone, cold dead.

That makes me weep.

I weep not

for my friend, M.

nor for her husband, C.

I weep because life is so fragile…

so temporary…

so uncertain.

As I sit here at my window altar

writing these words,

I have no way of knowing if they will be my last

and if in a week or so

my daughter will  be using her

emergency key to enter my apartment

to dispose of my rotting, stinking body

after my soul had up and decided to leave today

without even saying good-bye.

That thought makes makes me laugh…

And think.

And I am then filled with gratitude

another beautiful day of life…

for having left this apartment yesterday

to meet up with my Sister Drum Slut, Y.

in Marcus Garvey Park

where I drummed my ass off

along with a handful of diehard drummers

squeezing in as much drumming as we can

before fall turns to winter

and it’s just too damn cold

to sit out there in the park

drumming for hours as if

our lives depended upon it.

And they do…

our lives…

depend upon it…

at least mine does…

We drummed as if our spirits

would up and leave

without

saying

good-bye…

if we didn’t drum for our lives…

“Conversations with God” II 10/12-14/07

time for deep communing...

“Conversations with God,” II: Journal Entries—10/12/07 – 10/14/07

10/12/07

Toni

You know what, God; all of this cancer information is a bit much. It’s as if everyone is afraid of cancer. Like it’s this BIG SCARY THING. I am not afraid of it. I think I’m more afraid of putting chemicals in my body but then everyone has me spooked about what will happen to me if I don’t! What do I do, Lord?

I know in the end I will follow my own heart. If I take chemo, it will be a fear-based decision. But I’m afraid not to take it. What should I do, Lord? All things being what they are, what makes best sense? But I actually don’t know how things really are. I only know what they appear to be. And we are told to ignore appearances, for appearances or physical reality is but a reflection, a three-dimensional representation of the beliefs, emotions, etc., that we hold in consciousness…What say You?

Immediate Inner Response:

At this moment, TR, you do not have the decision to make. It is not time yet. You will see Dr. S. on Monday and he will give you the facts from his viewpoint or perspective. You will make decisions as you go along, remembering that chemo will not kill you if it’s not your time to go; and believe me, child, you still have much left to do in this lifetime. Fear not! Just continue enjoying each and every day of your life as you are doing now. Do not worry about tomorrow. Stay in the NOW—in the present. Make decisions as the time for making them unfolds before you.

10/14/07

Toni

What do I really, really want?

The direction and tutelage of my Divine Soul; to no longer live by the decisions of my mind-personality-ego but to permit my life to unfold day by day, step by step from that inner place of knowing; knowing that all of my needs are met even before I am aware of what they are.

1:43 p.m.

Phew! Overdid it again. Boy do I overestimate my physical strength. Bought too many things; the bags were too heavy; won’t do that again. There is a huge difference between walking around your apartment and walking in the street and shopping and carrying a load of groceries home. From now on I will limit my outdoor trips to the bench where I’ll sit in the sunshine!

4:10 p.m.

Feeling so sad. Lonely. Down. Bored. Woman here—the aide. She’s done all of her work already; in just 1 ½ hours. She now has another 1 ½ hour to go. Wish she could leave early so that I could be alone for the rest of the day. But she has to “clock-out” by telephone; won’t get paid for the three hours if she doesn’t put the time in. And so, I have to baby sit the home health aide.

When did the sadness begin? It was right after I spoke to R and J. J had R call me from the park. He had told her that I had undergone surgery. I only confirmed to her that it was serious, that I was healing but wouldn’t be back to drumming until next summer. That made me sad. I so miss drumming in the park.

Also felt low when I got back from shopping earlier and had to come to terms with the reality of my physical condition; had to accept the fact that recovery and healing will be a slow process; that Speedo Toni has to slow down.

What am I to be doing while my body is healing, God?

Immediate Inner Response:

Understand that this is a long journey. You will not be healed and up and about and running the streets in a month or even in two or three months. This is a process. And you have been stilled despite yourself. You understand that the stillness that is required of you now, could not have been achieved without something major knocking you down and putting you out of the game. You would not have just stopped on your own. I know it and you know it. So, be still, my love. Allow your own divine soul, the Christ Part of you that is ME to finally emerge from the place where you, the ego-personality, has kept it hidden away; in the background, following the ego-leader, round and round on that merry-go-round of a life that you’ve been living since listening to your father and that psychiatrist when your daughter was still but an infant.

You must journey all the way back to that fork in the road and meet up with that young woman again. You are now free; no children; no pets; nothing but your life stretched out ahead of you; years and years more of life, a whole new lifetime before you, in which to do it over again; to do what your soul came to do before it was so thoroughly conditioned by family, racial group, society, peers…

Who are you, really? Where and how do you want to spend the rest of your life? You have more time left now than you’ve already spent from that time at the fork in the road. Go back there. Find that young woman. This time, follow her and not your father and the psychiatrist.

Slow down. You have plenty of time. Slow down. There is no rush.

Toni

And so, today I put forth the container of my self-Self to be filled and I let my Divine mission unfold before me.

Declaration of Intention- 10/14/07; Sunday, 4:52 p.m.:

I intend to find and connect with my Soul; the Essential Self that came to this flesh body to serve a unique function as part of the Godhead on earth during this lifetime. I intend to reach back in time and touch that Soul when She/It was clear; before She/It made decisions that were very much conditioned by family, society—the world. I return to a time before the decision was made to take the path that led to this moment: breast cancer-mastectomy-reconstructive surgery-laid-up-for-months-recovery, recuperation and the resultant creation of a new self.

I intend to surrender this life, the remainder of it, to the guidance, leadership and direction of my own Divine Soul-Goddess Self who came to do something that can only be done by the Soul that inhabits the body of this entity called Toni Roberts. Așe.

So be it on this 14th day of October in the year 2007.

My “Conversations with God” Oct. 5 – 8, 2007

all's right in the world...

My “Conversations with God” October 5, – October 8, 2007

10/5/07

4:24 PM

Looking at Oprah. Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of Eat, Pray, Love is being interviewed. I am feeling very jealous; but knowing that it is now that I must truly turn to God for answers for I KNOW NOT WHAT TO DO. Am very frightened re prospect of chemotherapy.

What do I do, my God? Please direct me. Thank You.

Immediate Inner Response:

This, my dear is the beginning of the real journey. Jimmy (my dead father!) will deliver the vehicle you will ride inward to the Voice and Wisdom of the Divine. All answers—your way will unfold. And without thinking or planning or even knowing, you will find that way—your way—unfolding as you place one foot before the other and walk through your life.

10/6/07

8:25 AM

Toni:

And so, God, what am I supposed to do with this day? What is it You would have me do with this day of my life? What function? What purpose?

Immediate Inner Response:

The function and purpose of your life each day, my dear one, is to live it. Not from some pre-ordained, pre-arranged “Plan” set in heaven or in earth but to live moment by moment from the truth of your heart. That is the purpose, the function of any life.

Even I do not know what you will do, how you will live in the next second of your life. For what would be the role, the function of FREE WILL if all was already set in stone by ME or any other being?

Toni:

So, instead of looking for a pre-known plan for each moment of my life, I will let it unfold as it will; paying strict attention to my own heart; my own desires; and stop trying to sublimate my desires to live the Buddhist Way; denying my desires because I believe them too carnal—too low-CHAKRA; not lofty enough for such a spiritually evolved being as I.

10/07/07

AM

What do I really, really, really want today? Well, at this moment…a peaceful day of doing absolutely nothing. To be alone with my Self in a clean apartment without the woman being here to clean it. Peace. Solitude. Maybe just Y. (my niece visiting from out of town) coming over to talk and visit with me.

PM

Did get a day alone. Well there was the visit from my friend, C. and J., the aide—but other than those two—alone—and came face to face with two of the seemingly many saboteurs who hide out within: Lady Vanity and Spoiled Child, who was actually getting into a snitch about Y., B. and G. going to my mother’s house and not coming over here. Spoiled Child “performed” for D. and the nurse, who both immediately put me in my selfish, self-centered, spoiled child place.

Toni:

God, how do I trust myself? How do I know when it is the Self or just one of the many destructive, inner saboteurs running the show? How do I know the difference?

Immediate Inner Response:

You know by the consequences.

Toni:

That’s not satisfactory. I want to avoid bad consequences by not performing the behavior that results in bad circumstances.

Immediate Inner Response:

When you feel the way you felt today; all irrationally emotional and not loved; like a neglected, unloved, abandoned child in face of the reality to the contrary; when you feel the way you did as a child—then you will know.

10/08/07

Well, what kind of day shall this be? Quiet? Pensive? Introspective? You know, God, I don’t know that I really know myself. I wonder…like Spoiled Child who threw a major tantrum yesterday because she was not the center of attention. Although in her heart, she didn’t truly want all of that company, she really expected her brother to go pick up her mother—her 87 year old mother who has been through carpal tunnel surgery, cataract surgery, two knee replacements, three heart attacks; open heart surgery; a mastectomy, a lumpectomy, radiation treatments and is who is on Tamoxifen and dozens of other drugs for-the-rest-of-her-life-mother—and bring all of them over here to Spoiled Child’s house.

Boy, I shocked and disappointed my friend, C. and of course, D., was thoroughly disgusted with me when I related the whole tale to them. Wow. It wasn’t until C. said what she said to me that I was able to look at myself and see what and who she and D. were seeing. Am I always so self-involved and self-centered? Probably.

Please help me to see myself as others see me; to see my behavior; to not let Spoiled Child and Lady Vanity run my life. Thank You. Is there anything You have to say to me this morning, God, which will perhaps cause this to be a better day? Any guidance? Direction?

Immediate Inner Response:

Stay awake. Don’t go back to sleep. Especially be very aware—attentive to your emotions. Remember how you felt when you had your Spoiled Child meltdown yesterday—the emotional pain, the anger, the feelings that they (your family) didn’t love you and that you, therefore, didn’t care about them; that you would just cross them out of your life. Ask yourself: when did you used to feel like that? When did you experience those same emotions? When you were a child! When you were not getting love in the way you needed it. When you feel that way now, it is a signal that—not so much the spoiled child—but the hurt, wounded, emotionally neglected and abandoned child has come back up to the surface of the personality, and is getting ready to run the show from her hurt, pain and wounds.

It is then time for you to remember, you are not that child any longer. You are very loved and respected by your brother, mother and especially by your nieces. They think that you are the greatest!

It is time for you to live up to the high image of yourself that you have put forward all of these years. You are being watched; from those above and those below. They are watching you very carefully to see how you come out of this challenge; a serious challenge, yes, but not necessarily deadly. Remember: you still call the shots about when to stay and when to leave; and what to do while you are here; about the quality of your journey; who you are and how you behave. Ask yourself: do I really want to stay here? What do I truly want in my heart?

Toni:

My health back! My strength! My strong, beautiful body! To be whole! Disease-free!

Reflections:

I am a spiritual warrior. One who has a mission and is committed to that mission regardless of what obstacles may appear. And what is my mission? The fulfillment of my Soul’s purpose for being here-now.

I now commit myself with discipline to find my new path; to complete this transformation and to fulfill my Soul’s function and purpose this lifetime. And I can only know and express that by exploring the deepest and tiniest desires of my heart.

I now ride the rushing waves of my life! Living fully from every CHAKRA; even the first and second! I am ready to know myself again as a sexual being. I am willing to let go of old paradigms of which I am probably not even aware and within which I am still living. I release my past. I step out of the box and am ready to jump into the void—the unknown which will lead to freedom, joy, health, abundance and love…love…love!

An Early Mantrum

bringing in the light

I am Isis. I am Great Bear. I am Panther. I am Turtle.  I am Horus. I am that I am. I am Yahweh.

As my ego personality steps aside, God moves in, as and through this body bringing it into balance. Homeostasis is restored. I am whole. I am well. I am healed. All aspects of my life are healed and restored to their original divine purpose. I am divinely used to bring peace, healing and blessings to my world.

I do without doing and everything gets done.

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