one woman's journey to wholeness…

Posts tagged ‘reconstructive surgery’

“Conversations with God” II 10/12-14/07

time for deep communing...

“Conversations with God,” II: Journal Entries—10/12/07 – 10/14/07

10/12/07

Toni

You know what, God; all of this cancer information is a bit much. It’s as if everyone is afraid of cancer. Like it’s this BIG SCARY THING. I am not afraid of it. I think I’m more afraid of putting chemicals in my body but then everyone has me spooked about what will happen to me if I don’t! What do I do, Lord?

I know in the end I will follow my own heart. If I take chemo, it will be a fear-based decision. But I’m afraid not to take it. What should I do, Lord? All things being what they are, what makes best sense? But I actually don’t know how things really are. I only know what they appear to be. And we are told to ignore appearances, for appearances or physical reality is but a reflection, a three-dimensional representation of the beliefs, emotions, etc., that we hold in consciousness…What say You?

Immediate Inner Response:

At this moment, TR, you do not have the decision to make. It is not time yet. You will see Dr. S. on Monday and he will give you the facts from his viewpoint or perspective. You will make decisions as you go along, remembering that chemo will not kill you if it’s not your time to go; and believe me, child, you still have much left to do in this lifetime. Fear not! Just continue enjoying each and every day of your life as you are doing now. Do not worry about tomorrow. Stay in the NOW—in the present. Make decisions as the time for making them unfolds before you.

10/14/07

Toni

What do I really, really want?

The direction and tutelage of my Divine Soul; to no longer live by the decisions of my mind-personality-ego but to permit my life to unfold day by day, step by step from that inner place of knowing; knowing that all of my needs are met even before I am aware of what they are.

1:43 p.m.

Phew! Overdid it again. Boy do I overestimate my physical strength. Bought too many things; the bags were too heavy; won’t do that again. There is a huge difference between walking around your apartment and walking in the street and shopping and carrying a load of groceries home. From now on I will limit my outdoor trips to the bench where I’ll sit in the sunshine!

4:10 p.m.

Feeling so sad. Lonely. Down. Bored. Woman here—the aide. She’s done all of her work already; in just 1 ½ hours. She now has another 1 ½ hour to go. Wish she could leave early so that I could be alone for the rest of the day. But she has to “clock-out” by telephone; won’t get paid for the three hours if she doesn’t put the time in. And so, I have to baby sit the home health aide.

When did the sadness begin? It was right after I spoke to R and J. J had R call me from the park. He had told her that I had undergone surgery. I only confirmed to her that it was serious, that I was healing but wouldn’t be back to drumming until next summer. That made me sad. I so miss drumming in the park.

Also felt low when I got back from shopping earlier and had to come to terms with the reality of my physical condition; had to accept the fact that recovery and healing will be a slow process; that Speedo Toni has to slow down.

What am I to be doing while my body is healing, God?

Immediate Inner Response:

Understand that this is a long journey. You will not be healed and up and about and running the streets in a month or even in two or three months. This is a process. And you have been stilled despite yourself. You understand that the stillness that is required of you now, could not have been achieved without something major knocking you down and putting you out of the game. You would not have just stopped on your own. I know it and you know it. So, be still, my love. Allow your own divine soul, the Christ Part of you that is ME to finally emerge from the place where you, the ego-personality, has kept it hidden away; in the background, following the ego-leader, round and round on that merry-go-round of a life that you’ve been living since listening to your father and that psychiatrist when your daughter was still but an infant.

You must journey all the way back to that fork in the road and meet up with that young woman again. You are now free; no children; no pets; nothing but your life stretched out ahead of you; years and years more of life, a whole new lifetime before you, in which to do it over again; to do what your soul came to do before it was so thoroughly conditioned by family, racial group, society, peers…

Who are you, really? Where and how do you want to spend the rest of your life? You have more time left now than you’ve already spent from that time at the fork in the road. Go back there. Find that young woman. This time, follow her and not your father and the psychiatrist.

Slow down. You have plenty of time. Slow down. There is no rush.

Toni

And so, today I put forth the container of my self-Self to be filled and I let my Divine mission unfold before me.

Declaration of Intention- 10/14/07; Sunday, 4:52 p.m.:

I intend to find and connect with my Soul; the Essential Self that came to this flesh body to serve a unique function as part of the Godhead on earth during this lifetime. I intend to reach back in time and touch that Soul when She/It was clear; before She/It made decisions that were very much conditioned by family, society—the world. I return to a time before the decision was made to take the path that led to this moment: breast cancer-mastectomy-reconstructive surgery-laid-up-for-months-recovery, recuperation and the resultant creation of a new self.

I intend to surrender this life, the remainder of it, to the guidance, leadership and direction of my own Divine Soul-Goddess Self who came to do something that can only be done by the Soul that inhabits the body of this entity called Toni Roberts. Așe.

So be it on this 14th day of October in the year 2007.

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Journal Entries: August 2007 thru September 2007

promise of spring

Journal Entries: August 2007 – September 2007

8/27/07

A M

I am God’s beloved and my Mother-Father Creator would not have me, a beloved divine child, scratch dirt for survival and denied the pleasures of earthly fleshly existence. Is that not why I came? To be joyous? To joyously co-create? So, this day I put into practice who and what I am and use my creative abilities to bring joy to myself and perhaps one day to others.

Today’s plan: to get all of my collages out of storage and begin the photographing process. This will be fun for me. No, I have no short or long range goals. All I know is that I am an artist—a creator—and I am going back to being what I am: a creator—an artist—a writer. I trust that as I proceed, I will be blessed with an abundance of ideas and provided all that I need to bring them to fruition.

Oh! Took my first day of pre-op nutrients; also will take the enzymes, probiotics, CoQ10 and Omega 3 fish oil. That completes my nutritional regimen for now; have post-op nutrients ready for after the surgery; will take them to hospital with me and start right away.

PM

Have all of my artwork out of the storage closet. My pre-test is scheduled for 10:00 a.m. Will treat myself to breakfast at my favorite place afterwards. Have only $8 left in checking account and very little cash but going to treat myself good and just believe that I will be prospered with all that is needed as I need it.

Funny, yesterday I was lonely, today I am perfectly fine being alone. My artwork is mostly awesome and was good company for me today. I’ve begun photographing my work. Will take the camera instructions booklet with me to learn how to set camera to take larger images and how to change the ISO—will learn a little at a time until I’ve mastered the camera.

Have to catch the 8:30 a.m. express bus tomorrow; better set the alarm.

8/28/07

AM

Up 6:25. I awoke long before the clock was set to go off; been awake since 4:30 a.m. Guess I’m anxious about the pre-test today. And my hip has been hurting so bad can barely walk. Why God? Why now? Who so severe? What is going on? I must keep this appointment. You have given me no reason not to go ahead with this mastectomy and reconstruction. So why this now? If I am not to proceed with the surgery, You will have to show me directly; so that it is clear to me. Even Dr. A (a well-known Manhattan alternative physician) agrees that a mastectomy is in order; and I have pretty much resigned myself to that reality. So what’s this now with the hip? Did I do this to myself with that giant slice of chocolate cheesecake that I finished off last night? It was terribly sweet—an overload of sugar. I will not do that again any time in the near future. I suspect now that it was the dessert perhaps combined with a lack of one of the nutrients I was getting in the Dr. Whitaker supplements I’ve stopped taking. I don’t know. Did take 6 bromelain tabs last evening but since I’m having bloodwork today can’t take any more. Only water.

Am going to push myself to walk. The hip will ease up after a while. Need to move it. Need to wear one of my beautiful healing necklaces. Took my probiotics and will take the rest of my pre-op supplements with breakfast at my cheap and delicious favorite restaurant on 3rd and 18th.

PM

Well, pushed through the hip pain which has somewhat dissipated now but not gone. Went to my pre-test; went to breakfast; came home exhausted and headachy! Slept for about two hours; just ate chicken, veggies, a plum, a peach and a handful of raisins and walnuts for dessert. No more chocolate! No more sugar! Took two more bromelain with dinner; will continue taking it until the pain disappears. Will buy Arnica when I go back downtown on Friday. Will tell Dr. A about this hip pain and how it flared up after eating a rich, sugary dessert for three nights in a row. Hopefully the pre-op supplements are supplying the essentials that my body needs on a daily basis. Spoke to the compounding pharmacist at Gideon’s. They can mail the LDN (low dose naltrexone) to me whenever Dr. B. faxes the prescription to them. I won’t have to continue going down there once a month to pick it up.

Cried a bit; was thinking of Dr. S. (my breast surgeon) and asking him (in consciousness, not fact) to take care of me; both him and Dr. A. (the plastic surgeon doing the breast reconstruction). I am grateful. Thank You, God-Mother-Father for sending me the best. Since it appears that this procedure has to be done, I am at least in competent hands—no—more than competent—in experienced expert hands. The guy in admissions sang praises to them both and also mentioned a Dr. H. D, an oncologist to whom, he said, people travel from Italy and Canada and pay a lot of money to see. They do have excellent doctors at C. hospital and just think how serendipitously I wound up there.

9/22/07—Post Surgery

AM

Phew! Wow! Am laying new foundations, for sure! Oh, Lord! I really have no words for this mastectomy and immediate tummy tuck/flap reconstruction. I could never have imagined myself in this condition. I am trying to meet each day in faith and grace as my body heals; which it is—day by day. The surgery was 9/10/07; 7 ½ hours long. I have been home for a week today. I saw Dr. A, the plastic surgeon, yesterday. He took the breast bandages off—“let it hang free,” he said, “get some air.” The real pain is where the drainage tubes are inside the body—in the wounds; and there is a terrible tightness and pulling in the entire abdominal area; there was muscle and nerve involvement in this under the skin flap surgery. I now have cadaver skin within my body holding organs in place. Can’t think about it anymore. The good thing is I was able to stop taking Percocet night before last; was using one a night just to get to sleep.

M. (psychotherapist) came Wednesday. We had a wonderful session. We’re on for next Wednesday. Got a call from D. she said that Helix is disbanding indefinitely. They will return my $25 deposit, so no fellowship to attend their four-year training program. And just as well, look at the condition I’m in now. I am convinced that the connection with them was for the divine purpose of getting me and M. together. We will be doing a shamanic journey on Wednesday; a “soul retrieval.” This is the beginning of my training; my initiation as a shaman; answered prayer; answered in a very strange way but I’ve been asking since when? 2003? 2004? To be made shaman. And M. says this is the wounding out of which all shamans are formed.

I wonder…I have Alberto Villoldo’s literature in my Creation Box. Is that where I shall ultimately study? Be initiated? With los indios in South America? Somehow that culture feels more comfortable to me than the Yoruba-Ibo-Nigerian culture. Sí, soy Africana pero soy Latina también—at least in my heart and soul.

And so, day by day, I try to do a bit more. The healing process is not as speedy as Speedo Toni would like it to be. But I am learning patience; learning that I cannot push the river and am not in charge of this situation or any other! I am a servant; and an increasingly more obedient one as I continue to surrender to whatever Divine Will is in all of this cancer, surgery and upcoming chemotherapy. Dr. S. took out 14 (=5, the number of change) lymph nodes, 7 were infected with cancer cells and 7 (the sacred number) were clean…so you go figure…

My adamant stance: no chemo! Chemo kills! I will not do chemo! Let me find a suicide assisting physician!—lasted all of three minutes. I then took full responsibility for the cancer ever reaching 7 of the nodes. Perhaps if I had followed Dr. S.’s advice in April 2006, when the cancer was first diagnosed, it would have been contained in the breast. But then, who is to say? Maybe the year of alternative treatments kept it from spreading even further than the 7 infected nodes. Who really knows? God is still with me. I have many dreams for the future and the “fat lady has not yet sung!”

Smell bacon. Someone cooking breakfast. Why do I smell it here in the bedroom? When the nurse leaves, I will probably make my “witch’s brew;” simmer my tea

Time to start reading 2012. I have to prepare for my future. I still have to rewrite my novel from a GSA (Genetic Sexual Attraction) standpoint. Maybe in the flashbacks when Sara is telling Mattie (characters in novel-in-progress) about her past…? It’s all in God’s Hands! Love me. Guide me. Keep me. Protect me. Tx! Așe!

9/23/07

Feeling a lot better. Last night I listened to the Heal Your Body CD that Dr. W. (a doctor of Chinese medicine and acupuncture) recommended in addition to one of the Remote Viewing cassettes that M. gave me last year. How I miss my astral travelling buddy. Maybe he’ll reappear in my life one day. I did ultimately have to take a Percocet. That did it! Slept from about 11:00 PM to 9:00 AM! After those healing light exercise and the long sleep my body actually feels better. Had oatmeal and flaxseed, juice with a full teaspoon of vitamin C powder and two tablespoons of sunflower seeds for breakfast.

Told E. yesterday that I am ready to open my heart to love; to love, not those sex-addicted, dysfunctional relationships of my past. Don’t know where to start so I’ll start with God. Yes. I am ready for someone to love and with whom I can share my life, my self, my being; with all the joys, sorrows, successes, ups and downs inherent in this journey. I will continue with this healing, doing my meditations as frequently as I can during the day…Tx and Așe I thank You for wisdom, understanding and improved health day by day.

9/24/07

Up early; only real pain is where the tubes come into the body on the upper right side. The belly area is steadily improving. The bowels, thank God, are open now that I’ve stopped the Percocet. Had blueberries, flaxseed, yogurt and bananas for supper. Have chicken stew cooked for today. As much as I appreciate God’s Love We Deliver, I will be cooking my own meals. Like my mother, I prefer my own cooking, thank you. Plus, I must stay on an organic diet.

Will try to remain in a healing/meditative state today—stay in the Light. Thank You for improvement each day. Soon I will be up and about my business.

9/25/07

8:00 a.m., up earlier and earlier! Got good sleep but again had to take a Percocet. Am standing up a bit straighter. Was concerned that the belly was so tight that it was difficult to stand up straight so I did the “Light Bath;” moved it through my body several times. Got to rev this healing up a bit; only gave myself 4 weeks to get over this and begin phasing in some of my regular activities like walking in the fresh air! Or maybe returning to the park on Saturdays to be near the drumming if not actually drumming myself.

9/26/07

Did not have to take a Percocet and slept from 6:30 p.m. to 8:00 a.m. Good sleep despite the pulling across abdomen and side. Still can’t straighten my back. Am walking with my body bent almost in half; leaning on my tree branch walking stick like an ancient African Elder. But healing is taking place.

It’s a good thing M. (psychotherapist) is coming today. I am low-spirited despite the intense meditations. Will continue to just empty myself and let God—the DivineHoly SpiritWhatever…fill me with all that I need in order to fulfill my holy function; my raison d’être—my purpose in being here-now.

I am so emptied. But there is nothing I can do even if I wanted to. I don’t have the inclination or the interest—so I am letting everything go—everything—and taking one day at a time. Will not let anything bother me. Will discuss every disturbance that does creep in with my therapist. For now, I am perfectly content leaving it all to the Gods; to Whatever It is to which I am so connected; to that which orders my life. I feel the connection. I know that I am connected and at a very basic level, I don’t really care about this cancer thing! What’s really bugging me is the fact that I’ve read about the advances in energy medicine and how by 2012, they will be healing diseases energetically. And that’s only five years from now. I’m pissed that here I am with cancer in 2007, having to undergo these primitive and barbaric tools of present day medical practice!! But what’s the sense in bitching and moaning about it? It is what it is.

Anyhoo, TR, as quiet as it’s kept, you may not have lived to 2012, without this blow to the side of your head with a two-by-four! I’d take bets that the Universe knew exactly how to wake up your stubborn butt to your stuffstuff to which you’d otherwise not even give a passing glance.

9/27/07

Well, God, another day. More improvement. Feel better this morning than I did yesterday morning. Worked with the Light every time I awoke during the night. In my session with M. yesterday, she suggested I bring the Light down where I am instead of going outside of myself and floating up to the Light. She advised me to keep my focus on the body and on staying in the body. And so, I am reinforcing my relationship to my body; really got in touch with it in a loving way. What came up yesterday was that I was taking this wonderful body for granted not holding it in reverence. It too is holy. And although I fed it well and took care of its nutritional needs—kept poisons out of it—I never knew it or related to it in the way I related to it last night. I never before loved it and held it as sacred.

The pulling has lessened somewhat. The #4 tube and the JP drain fell out last night all by itself! The wound—the opening where it was has closed up on its own! The stitches by the side of the breast need to come out also and the other tube at the right side where he cut across my belly also needs to come out. My body is trying to push all of that foreign crap out of it. I can feel it. Still dealing with a lot of swelling under my arm and at the side of the new breast.

J. called this morning. I had told D. last night to tell him that he had kicked me to the curb! He said he is doing a lot of online research into the latest information about chemo, breast cancer, etc. He and D. want me to do exactly what the doctors tell me to do. Hmmm….don‘t know about that.

I do thank You for this experience. I know that it comes with many lessons. Help me, please, in learning them easily and in moving speedily into the fullness of health and youthful vigor. I remain in the Light.

9/28/07

New day! Hope without the last two JP Drains! Doctor’s appointment today. M.G. meeting me there to hold my hand through any pain. B. driving me.

Had a migraine yesterday. First in years. Took 2 Percocet. It’s pretty much gone now. Hope that Dr. S. calls me tonight. Will leave ringer on; try to stay up until 8 or 9; been going to bed at 5:00!

Pain in side. God be with me. Must keep myself in the Light.

B. called. He overslept but will be here before 11:00 to pick me up. Can’t pressure myself. Will get there when I get there and yes, it makes much more sense to have one’s doctors close to where one lives. If I have not heard from Dr. S. by this evening, I will leave another message on his voicemail. I know he’s busy and he knows I want to have a conversation, so I guess he’s waiting until he has time to talk.

Feel very drugged. Two Percocets are two too many. Will cut them out again. Suffer through pain and sleeplessness.

9/29/07

Got up around 11:00 a.m. to eat some yogurt and flaxseed with vitamin C. Had quite a meditative session with the tape last night; went to the exact place; felt wonderful. I will practice until I am always awake to my Spirit-Christ-Higher-Soul-Light-Self…letting It run this life, heal this body…do whatever!

The places where the tubes were are now itchy-stingy. Healing!

12:20 PM

The Nurse came and left. Very sweet woman, una Latina. She will be back tomorrow. I am going to take a nice, long nap now. Left an outgoing message on my machine: “TR is taking a nap; will return all calls when she wakes up!” I need sleep…more sleep…like a baby needs sleep…healing sleep…

6:00 PM

Talked to my sweet K. for at least an hour. Told her my cancer story. Glad to share it with her; glad to tell everyone. Tired of keeping it a secret. She’s going to give me information about an herbalist down there in New Mexico who may be able to recommend some herbs for me to start taking. Whatever. Whatever God sends, I accept. E. called. Said she was coming over would call when she was in the neighborhood. I then went and turned the ringers off and put my message back on: “I am napping. Will call back when I wake up!” Why couldn’t I just tell her that?

9/30/07

8:50 AM

Too shaky to shower today. Was feeling kind of lightheaded. Having lemon and water before breakfast. Was going to make a grilled cheese and bacon sandwich but think I’d better stick with hot oatmeal. Had eggs and bacon—organic—with grits yesterday. Think it’s time to go back to oatmeal with ground flaxseed and raisins. Am taking extra vitamin C with each meal.

So much dreaming; mostly forgotten; kept on cat-napping; waking up, falling back asleep with the tape going…

What is Your Will for me now, My Divine Soul? I am in the in-between place; no longer who or what I was and not yet reborn into the new form. What is it that is wanted from me? How do I serve? What is my purpose in being? My function? Who am I? What am I? What is my Work?

“What’s it all about, Alphie?!?”

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