one woman's journey to wholeness…

Posts tagged ‘war on cancer’

My “Conversations with God” Oct. 5 – 8, 2007

all's right in the world...

My “Conversations with God” October 5, – October 8, 2007

10/5/07

4:24 PM

Looking at Oprah. Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of Eat, Pray, Love is being interviewed. I am feeling very jealous; but knowing that it is now that I must truly turn to God for answers for I KNOW NOT WHAT TO DO. Am very frightened re prospect of chemotherapy.

What do I do, my God? Please direct me. Thank You.

Immediate Inner Response:

This, my dear is the beginning of the real journey. Jimmy (my dead father!) will deliver the vehicle you will ride inward to the Voice and Wisdom of the Divine. All answers—your way will unfold. And without thinking or planning or even knowing, you will find that way—your way—unfolding as you place one foot before the other and walk through your life.

10/6/07

8:25 AM

Toni:

And so, God, what am I supposed to do with this day? What is it You would have me do with this day of my life? What function? What purpose?

Immediate Inner Response:

The function and purpose of your life each day, my dear one, is to live it. Not from some pre-ordained, pre-arranged “Plan” set in heaven or in earth but to live moment by moment from the truth of your heart. That is the purpose, the function of any life.

Even I do not know what you will do, how you will live in the next second of your life. For what would be the role, the function of FREE WILL if all was already set in stone by ME or any other being?

Toni:

So, instead of looking for a pre-known plan for each moment of my life, I will let it unfold as it will; paying strict attention to my own heart; my own desires; and stop trying to sublimate my desires to live the Buddhist Way; denying my desires because I believe them too carnal—too low-CHAKRA; not lofty enough for such a spiritually evolved being as I.

10/07/07

AM

What do I really, really, really want today? Well, at this moment…a peaceful day of doing absolutely nothing. To be alone with my Self in a clean apartment without the woman being here to clean it. Peace. Solitude. Maybe just Y. (my niece visiting from out of town) coming over to talk and visit with me.

PM

Did get a day alone. Well there was the visit from my friend, C. and J., the aide—but other than those two—alone—and came face to face with two of the seemingly many saboteurs who hide out within: Lady Vanity and Spoiled Child, who was actually getting into a snitch about Y., B. and G. going to my mother’s house and not coming over here. Spoiled Child “performed” for D. and the nurse, who both immediately put me in my selfish, self-centered, spoiled child place.

Toni:

God, how do I trust myself? How do I know when it is the Self or just one of the many destructive, inner saboteurs running the show? How do I know the difference?

Immediate Inner Response:

You know by the consequences.

Toni:

That’s not satisfactory. I want to avoid bad consequences by not performing the behavior that results in bad circumstances.

Immediate Inner Response:

When you feel the way you felt today; all irrationally emotional and not loved; like a neglected, unloved, abandoned child in face of the reality to the contrary; when you feel the way you did as a child—then you will know.

10/08/07

Well, what kind of day shall this be? Quiet? Pensive? Introspective? You know, God, I don’t know that I really know myself. I wonder…like Spoiled Child who threw a major tantrum yesterday because she was not the center of attention. Although in her heart, she didn’t truly want all of that company, she really expected her brother to go pick up her mother—her 87 year old mother who has been through carpal tunnel surgery, cataract surgery, two knee replacements, three heart attacks; open heart surgery; a mastectomy, a lumpectomy, radiation treatments and is who is on Tamoxifen and dozens of other drugs for-the-rest-of-her-life-mother—and bring all of them over here to Spoiled Child’s house.

Boy, I shocked and disappointed my friend, C. and of course, D., was thoroughly disgusted with me when I related the whole tale to them. Wow. It wasn’t until C. said what she said to me that I was able to look at myself and see what and who she and D. were seeing. Am I always so self-involved and self-centered? Probably.

Please help me to see myself as others see me; to see my behavior; to not let Spoiled Child and Lady Vanity run my life. Thank You. Is there anything You have to say to me this morning, God, which will perhaps cause this to be a better day? Any guidance? Direction?

Immediate Inner Response:

Stay awake. Don’t go back to sleep. Especially be very aware—attentive to your emotions. Remember how you felt when you had your Spoiled Child meltdown yesterday—the emotional pain, the anger, the feelings that they (your family) didn’t love you and that you, therefore, didn’t care about them; that you would just cross them out of your life. Ask yourself: when did you used to feel like that? When did you experience those same emotions? When you were a child! When you were not getting love in the way you needed it. When you feel that way now, it is a signal that—not so much the spoiled child—but the hurt, wounded, emotionally neglected and abandoned child has come back up to the surface of the personality, and is getting ready to run the show from her hurt, pain and wounds.

It is then time for you to remember, you are not that child any longer. You are very loved and respected by your brother, mother and especially by your nieces. They think that you are the greatest!

It is time for you to live up to the high image of yourself that you have put forward all of these years. You are being watched; from those above and those below. They are watching you very carefully to see how you come out of this challenge; a serious challenge, yes, but not necessarily deadly. Remember: you still call the shots about when to stay and when to leave; and what to do while you are here; about the quality of your journey; who you are and how you behave. Ask yourself: do I really want to stay here? What do I truly want in my heart?

Toni:

My health back! My strength! My strong, beautiful body! To be whole! Disease-free!

Reflections:

I am a spiritual warrior. One who has a mission and is committed to that mission regardless of what obstacles may appear. And what is my mission? The fulfillment of my Soul’s purpose for being here-now.

I now commit myself with discipline to find my new path; to complete this transformation and to fulfill my Soul’s function and purpose this lifetime. And I can only know and express that by exploring the deepest and tiniest desires of my heart.

I now ride the rushing waves of my life! Living fully from every CHAKRA; even the first and second! I am ready to know myself again as a sexual being. I am willing to let go of old paradigms of which I am probably not even aware and within which I am still living. I release my past. I step out of the box and am ready to jump into the void—the unknown which will lead to freedom, joy, health, abundance and love…love…love!

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Journal Entry: 4/26/11

watching the river flow

Journal Entry: 4/26/11

I was reviewing an old journal entry from March 5, 2008. I was in the midst of chemotherapy at that time. I wrote: am getting a one hour, hands-on healing session from *Jane Doe today before chemo—FREE OF CHARGE! Wow, what a rush of memories as I read those words. I immediately picked up my current journal and began scribbling:

I do believe that session with Jane was what triggered my ultimate decision to discontinue chemotherapy after five, instead of the scheduled twelve, treatments. I remember that session so clearly: the flood of tears as she moved her hands above my supine body, clearing and cleansing my CHAKRAS. (There are seven CHAKRAS or energy centers through which Spirit or Creative Energy is said to enter the human body. Each of these seven centers is associated with one of the major endocrine glands.) I experienced a rush of realization: the chemo will kill you. Why are you destroying the body? Afterwards, I shared the experience with Jane, a hands-on energy healer practicing in the oncologist’s health center by his courtesy. It would be quite impolitic of her to support me in stopping chemo treatments. Her role, she explained, was to support the chemotherapy.

The chemo session that day was very difficult for me. I surrounded myself with my three animal totems: Bear, for healing and shamanistic energies; Turtle, for longevity and Panther, to lead me fearlessly to those dark places into which I’d rather not venture. Each of these three Spirit Guardians had come to me years ago in dreams and had been forgotten for the most part through the years. They resurfaced during this very challenging period of my life. Their presence was with me during the seven and a half hour surgery in 2007. I would also place their images, drawn on small wooden runes from The Path of the Feathers, on a nearby table in the chemo room.

I weep now as I realize how close I came to destroying this miracle of a body and its built-in-pre-programmed systems of healing and recovery. For I do not believe that I would be sitting here writing these words now if I had ignored inner warnings and gone ahead and completed modern medicine’s triple whammy treatment plan:

Whammy #1!

CUT—unhinged by the fear of death which, I was assured by everyone (doctors, therapist, friends, family, strangers on the bus—just joshing about that), would be my fate if I dared to not do exactly as the doctors said. So, after a year of trying a variety of alternative options and two lumpectomies with the cancer still stubbornly hanging on, I finally consented to a mastectomy and reconstruction of the right breast. I was offered the removal of the left one also—a “twofer”—just in case. I declined. The left breast appeared not to be “broken” so why fix it?

To the best of my understanding—which was totally muddled by a fear-drugged brain—the breast removal and replacement process went something like this: after cutting off the breast, the  breast surgeon then turned my body over to the waiting plastic surgeon who proceeded to build a new breast using the fat and flesh from a “tummy tuck” (which he first performed) bringing the apron of hanging fat that was previously my belly, up and under the skin—with the aid of cadaver skin—and forming it—the belly fat—into a new breast—belly stretch marks and all. Amazing, n’cest pas?

I don’t wish to come off as a flippant ingrate. I so respect and admire these highly skilled women and men who work miracles in Operating Rooms across the nation. We all do the best with what we know and believe. I was graced with the best of the best throughout this process of awakening via cancer. And I am still a very sexy mama—belly-breast and all.

Thank God or whatever IT is with whom I commune each day as I sit at my window altar watching the river flow. Thank You for interceding before I could complete that mission of self-annihilation, the wanton destruction of the body, rather than begin looking within for causes…for answers…for true healing. Instead, I chose the cowardly route and letting fear determine my decisions and actions, I declared war upon the body…upon the breast—upon the messenger—rather than taking any responsibility at all for the creation of that cancerous growth in my right breast.

Whammy #2!

POISON

Part A: chemotherapystopped by me after five treatments of a twelve treatment plan. I ceased and desisted with the war against cancer—the war against my body.

My integrative oncologist educated me about the supplements and nutrients that the body needed to counteract the destruction wrought by killer chemicals that destroy friend and foe alike—you know—the same old, collateral damage story. This so-called war against cancer is no different from the wars fought to bring freedom and democracy to those unfortunate others who refuse to be like us or the invasions and occupations of sovereign nations in order to save backward and uncivilized non western peoples from themselves. It would be falling over hilarious if it weren’t so tragic. War of any kind for any reason—especially for pious, self-serving reasons—neither heals nor saves. But I do digress.

At any rate, I was stopped from the inside out from completing the approved, medically required cut, burn and poison treatment plan for all third stage breast cancers. Look it up on the internet. It’s the standard. That’s where your oncologist gets his plan for treatment.

Part B: Tamoxifen, the standard, hormonal therapy drug (later described to me by a gynecologist as a major cause of uterine cancer) to be taken for the rest of my life. I also said no gracias to that.

Whammy #3!

BURN: as in the deliberate burning by radiation of the flesh surrounding the new breast with probable damage to nearby healthy organs and tissue, with the hope of killing any rogue, cancer cells that might have managed to escape the onslaught of knife and poison—also declined by moi!

I rest my case for the day. More positively to follow.

*not real name

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