one woman's journey to wholeness…

Posts tagged ‘unreality’

“Conversations with God” II 10/12-14/07

time for deep communing...

“Conversations with God,” II: Journal Entries—10/12/07 – 10/14/07



You know what, God; all of this cancer information is a bit much. It’s as if everyone is afraid of cancer. Like it’s this BIG SCARY THING. I am not afraid of it. I think I’m more afraid of putting chemicals in my body but then everyone has me spooked about what will happen to me if I don’t! What do I do, Lord?

I know in the end I will follow my own heart. If I take chemo, it will be a fear-based decision. But I’m afraid not to take it. What should I do, Lord? All things being what they are, what makes best sense? But I actually don’t know how things really are. I only know what they appear to be. And we are told to ignore appearances, for appearances or physical reality is but a reflection, a three-dimensional representation of the beliefs, emotions, etc., that we hold in consciousness…What say You?

Immediate Inner Response:

At this moment, TR, you do not have the decision to make. It is not time yet. You will see Dr. S. on Monday and he will give you the facts from his viewpoint or perspective. You will make decisions as you go along, remembering that chemo will not kill you if it’s not your time to go; and believe me, child, you still have much left to do in this lifetime. Fear not! Just continue enjoying each and every day of your life as you are doing now. Do not worry about tomorrow. Stay in the NOW—in the present. Make decisions as the time for making them unfolds before you.



What do I really, really want?

The direction and tutelage of my Divine Soul; to no longer live by the decisions of my mind-personality-ego but to permit my life to unfold day by day, step by step from that inner place of knowing; knowing that all of my needs are met even before I am aware of what they are.

1:43 p.m.

Phew! Overdid it again. Boy do I overestimate my physical strength. Bought too many things; the bags were too heavy; won’t do that again. There is a huge difference between walking around your apartment and walking in the street and shopping and carrying a load of groceries home. From now on I will limit my outdoor trips to the bench where I’ll sit in the sunshine!

4:10 p.m.

Feeling so sad. Lonely. Down. Bored. Woman here—the aide. She’s done all of her work already; in just 1 ½ hours. She now has another 1 ½ hour to go. Wish she could leave early so that I could be alone for the rest of the day. But she has to “clock-out” by telephone; won’t get paid for the three hours if she doesn’t put the time in. And so, I have to baby sit the home health aide.

When did the sadness begin? It was right after I spoke to R and J. J had R call me from the park. He had told her that I had undergone surgery. I only confirmed to her that it was serious, that I was healing but wouldn’t be back to drumming until next summer. That made me sad. I so miss drumming in the park.

Also felt low when I got back from shopping earlier and had to come to terms with the reality of my physical condition; had to accept the fact that recovery and healing will be a slow process; that Speedo Toni has to slow down.

What am I to be doing while my body is healing, God?

Immediate Inner Response:

Understand that this is a long journey. You will not be healed and up and about and running the streets in a month or even in two or three months. This is a process. And you have been stilled despite yourself. You understand that the stillness that is required of you now, could not have been achieved without something major knocking you down and putting you out of the game. You would not have just stopped on your own. I know it and you know it. So, be still, my love. Allow your own divine soul, the Christ Part of you that is ME to finally emerge from the place where you, the ego-personality, has kept it hidden away; in the background, following the ego-leader, round and round on that merry-go-round of a life that you’ve been living since listening to your father and that psychiatrist when your daughter was still but an infant.

You must journey all the way back to that fork in the road and meet up with that young woman again. You are now free; no children; no pets; nothing but your life stretched out ahead of you; years and years more of life, a whole new lifetime before you, in which to do it over again; to do what your soul came to do before it was so thoroughly conditioned by family, racial group, society, peers…

Who are you, really? Where and how do you want to spend the rest of your life? You have more time left now than you’ve already spent from that time at the fork in the road. Go back there. Find that young woman. This time, follow her and not your father and the psychiatrist.

Slow down. You have plenty of time. Slow down. There is no rush.


And so, today I put forth the container of my self-Self to be filled and I let my Divine mission unfold before me.

Declaration of Intention- 10/14/07; Sunday, 4:52 p.m.:

I intend to find and connect with my Soul; the Essential Self that came to this flesh body to serve a unique function as part of the Godhead on earth during this lifetime. I intend to reach back in time and touch that Soul when She/It was clear; before She/It made decisions that were very much conditioned by family, society—the world. I return to a time before the decision was made to take the path that led to this moment: breast cancer-mastectomy-reconstructive surgery-laid-up-for-months-recovery, recuperation and the resultant creation of a new self.

I intend to surrender this life, the remainder of it, to the guidance, leadership and direction of my own Divine Soul-Goddess Self who came to do something that can only be done by the Soul that inhabits the body of this entity called Toni Roberts. Așe.

So be it on this 14th day of October in the year 2007.

Journal Entries: 3/11/08-3/21/08

on a clear day you can see forever...

Journal Entries: 3/11/08 -3/21/08


Prayers for Healing

Give me all that I need this day to do God’s Work fully so that when all is said and done, I shall hear these words:”Well done my good and faithful servant.”

Quiet, Set! I hear you whispering in my ear. Let me not listen to your words of death and destruction…foolishness based on fear and unreality. Let my heart be quiet and filled with the loving assurance of The Indwelling God.

I let this day unfold from the inside out as Wholeness unfolding. The Indwelling Spirit of God is greater than cancer…greater than the effects of chemotherapy. God is in me, expressing as all that I am…flowing into the world through me to bless and heal myself and others.

Post Meditation Impressions

I believe that I am being “schooled” on the inner planes; set-up for the Work I came to do. The key is to stay in the consciousness of being divine; in the consciousness of being God/dess in the here-now; staying present—not a minute ago or a minute later—only NOW exists. There is no other time than this moment and everything happens in this NOW, this PRESENT. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow has not yet come. Yesterday and tomorrow do not exist. What exists is this moment in consciousness that we interpret as passing time: a human construct, not the Creator’s.


Listened to a Dr. Allan Hamilton, author of The Scalpel and the Soul, on Coast to Coast last night. There are no accidents in the entire universe. My inner Goddess-Self, my Guides and Ancestors are all here working with me now to make manifest my Soul’s purpose, the Work I came to the flesh to do at just this time in the human drama. All that has come before this moment in time has been the work of the ego; the desires of the personality. My destiny the purpose of the Soul is now unfolding; even the chemotherapy is part of my journey and I am protected and will live a long and hardy life. I must know that. I must trust, have faith and be devoted to the Divine part of my own being. My greatest learning now is non-resistance as in: “RESIST YE NOT!”

Whatever the appearances I accept, accept, accept. I keep on flowing like water—around, below, above the obstacles.

My Mantrum for this day:

Today, I keep my vision steadily focused on the realm beyond physical appearances and I see the blessings and healings from God unfold one by one in my here and now. I am whole. I am healed. I am abundant and prosperous. I do God’s Work. I am in complete surrender to the flow of God within me. This body is made whole and sound. Homeostasis is re-established. I work under the guidance and direction of God.


Woke up at 6:30. At 6:46 turned the radio on to see what the weather report was for the day. Heard the tail end of a commercial advertising: Natural Cures They Don’t Want You to Know About. Get your copy free. Wrote down the 800 number. Dialed it. Too long a wait. Hung up. Had to get ready for my workshop.

Later Entry:

What is this all about? Is this my Guides, Guardians telling me something? Just a week ago, my grandson said that he awoke in the wee hours and an advertorial was playing on the TV that was left on when he fell asleep. He said to me, “Nana, they said there are natural cures for cancer, and you don’t have to take chemotherapy.” Then there was that Email about Graviola. And now that Natural Cures book that grandson told me about coming up again this morning on the radio…?

I am supposed to begin adriamyacin on April 3rd. The portacath insertion has been postponed which may delay the start of the adriamyacin,  nicknamed the red devil. I know that God is working in, as and through all of this. And so, I will simply put one foot before the other today and get ready to go to my gig. If I have time, I will telephone and order the book. But maybe I’d better check my bookcases first—seems that I already have that book. At any rate, I will not ignore all of these “messages” that are coming to me.

Guide me well, Isis. Show me the difference between reality and unreality.

Later Entry:

Found a book in my bookcase by the same author: Kevin Trudeau, but not Natural Cures…that’s the one I must get. Will order it from the 800 number. Will buy some more low fat, organic cottage cheese and Barlean’s flaxseed oil on the way home and take it the way *Mary says I should take it. She shrunk her liver tumor! Will eat it for the rest of my life if necessary. Two times a day; can have if for breakfast and before bed snack.

Later Entry:

Ordered the Kevin Trudeau book, Natural Cures They Don’t Want You to Know About. $9.95 shipping and handling fees. What a rip-off! Four to six weeks for delivery.

*not real name


Went to bed at 7:30 or so. Long, good sleep. I needed it!

And so, today is the day I start the rewrite job for *Lila Scott. Am really looking forward to it; wondering if my inner child might enjoy rewriting children’s stories. Will bring her back in meditation today. But I definitely have to continue sending her to **Aunt Sara on the farm when I have to go for chemo or blood work. I’m much less fearful when she’s not around. ***Lydia was right.

Did not take the cat’s claw yet. Something’s telling me not to take it while I’m taking Coumadin; will have to ask ****Liz, the chemo nurse, tomorrow. Will start my marathon water drinking today. Am kind of eager to get started on my writing assignment. As soon as I finish my prayer and meditation session, I’ll begin.

Later Entry:

Well, did the first part of my book assignment. Not easy but I enjoyed it. Have not even gotten to the actual story yet. Worked for one and one half hours. Now taking a break. Will keep careful track of my time so I can total up the hours for billing at the end of this assignment.

Ready to walk my daily mile and then go buy some red pea soup at the Jamaican restaurant; will throw in some fresh organic spinach. Yum!

3/20/08-7:30 A.M.:

Treatment day! Going to stay in prayer and affirmation mode and drink plenty of water!

Prayer Request for the Day:

To have Liz find a FAT JUICY VEIN that gives itself up to her—to the needle—to the chemo treatment; with YOU, Yahweh, flowing through me along with the drugs, directing and regulating this healing process so that only the cancer cells are gotten rid of and all of my organs and body systems are left intact, healthy and functioning as they were designed by YOU to function. I am in homeostasis now and forever. I am healed and whole. Thank YOU, my Creator and ever present Guides and Guardians. I trust in YOU. All that I need is added unto me now.

*not real name

**fictional character in my novel

***psycho-therapist not real name

****not real name

Home from Chemo:

All is well. Was able to meditate while the chemo was dripping into the vein, spreading through my body. Liz did, in fact, find a fat one that gave itself up readily to her and to the needle. Thank God, the portacath will be reinserted next week.

Will finish my thirty-two ounces of mangosteen now and then just relax; rest; rub some castor oil on hips and thighs where I ache; and on the liver area with a heating pad. Now to rest and pray.

3/21/08—The Day After Chemo:

I will let this day unfold according to Divine Will; letting God guide each foot, each thought, each word, each action as I move prayerfully through this day.

I am healed. I am whole. I let the manifestation of my healing unfold according to God’s Grace as I pick up my life where I left off on Wednesday. Thank You for a day of success yesterday. Thank You for the ease with which Liz found and entered the vein. Thank You for keeping it viable during the entire chemo session from 11:00 to 3:00! Thank you for the strength you provided to get me through a very long and wearisome day.

Thank you.

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