you will know when and how to respond
to what Life presents…
from the inside out…
without thought from
or judgement by…
you will know when and how to respond
to what Life presents…
from the inside out…
without thought from
or judgement by…
Journal Entry: July 25, 2011
Hard Lessons of This Path I’ve Chosen to Tread
I find myself at a place of great struggle to continue to submit my human will to Divine Will or the Will of Something that is greater than my needy, greedy, fearful, and filled with earthly desires human will. It ain’t easy! But then, “they” say if the Path were easy, more would tread it—or something like that. This Path I’ve chosen is one of isolation, fear and doubt yet Something keeps me pushing forward towards the Light. There is now present an inner certainty that has moved beyond mere belief into a deep visceral knowing.
I am learning to use consciousness—my mind—my thinking, reasoning capabilities. That has been my major weak point. I have always moved directly from the realm of emotions and feelings into action. God-forbid my allowing my mind or powers of reasoning to intervene. I now find myself able to maintain that state of Divine Tension: that period of extreme discomfort while waiting in the void; in the emptiness and uncertainty that precedes acting from the highest wisdom and love.
I find myself somewhat of a participating observer in what is still—surprisingly—very much my life. In fact, this changing life that I am living becomes daily more of a reflection of my deepest heart and will. I am increasingly more able to release everyday concerns and fears; to release this beingness that I am to the in-breath—the inhalation of Life—and then allowing—the out-breath—the exhalation to become the forms, events and experiences of everyday existence.
I am having to accept that I am not in charge of what is being created through my human beingness. Nor am I in a position to see—to even guess the who? When? Why? Where? And how? of the path unfolding before me. I tread a path of patience, perseverance and continued learning at the inner Altar of Knowledge.
I am finding that this great Purpose which moves me to action is of far greater importance in the overall scheme of things than my individual plans, needs and desires. I am devoted to this Purpose, this Calling of mind/Mind, heart/Heart and will/Will to a higher vibratory level of being. I will follow It in the midst of all and any human circumstances, challenges and difficulties. The glamour of the third dimension is losing its allure. I stand at the brink of a new way of being human.
Journal Entry: July 22, 2011
The temperature index range today is 106 to 112 degrees, so I know where my ass will be for the second day in a row. It’s even too hot at night to go out walking. Guess I’ll continue cleaning the apartment for exercise. I’ll walk around the house a lot—like my mother used to do—from room to room all night long. What a mad woman and no one to help her. All she had was her job and her money—that was her Savior.
I do have compassion for her now. How great her suffering must have been all of her life—from the age of eight. And no useful help; not the rich inner life that I have always had or trained outside help like psychotherapy; or the many support groups from whom I’ve benefitted through the years. I spent most of my adult life first recognizing, then accepting and owning my wounds; and then finally doing something about them. I still am involved in what appears to be a lifelong process of healing and growth. This very act of journal writing is part of “doing the work,” clearing the passageway; purifying the vehicle the instrument through which the Creation continues to unfold…
I am so grateful for this sacred time in which to turn one hundred percent of my attention…my life energy…to my passions; to the callings of my heart. I have ceased the years-long writing and re-writing of my novel. I have kissed the ghosts of those old characters good-bye and have moved on. I completed a short story; the first in more than twenty years. I’ve entered my writing and photography into competition and am actively researching online markets for my completed short story—the first of many lined up in consciousness waiting to be heard and told.
I now give very little of my attention and energy to the never-ending stream of events, circumstances and people in my external world. I am alive again. I am free. I am blessed. I am aware of being part of a world in healing; of a reversal of human focus and expenditure of energy. I am consciously connected to the One Energy—which, I am learning is a powerful, benevolent, intelligent creative force available to everyone to be used as one chooses. It comes down to the one choice we humans have—whether or not we realize it—and that sole choice is between “God and the mammon”…Spirit or Flesh…Inner or Outer…
Finally (or is it once again!), I find myself at that crossroad of choice and I make the only intelligent choice. This time I’m sticking to it!
May the Force be with my Bertha butt!
JOURNAL ENTRY: JULY 12, 2011
Been away from blogging for a while. Busy living…thinking…contemplating my navel—learning and growing…I hope…
Decided to fast-forward re the cancer “event.” Yes, that was exactly what it turned out to be: an event—an opportunity for me to learn about who I am and why I’m here—an occasion for growth. And so, I stopped the chemo, chose life and turned within to what I call Divine Intelligence…a loving God…Spirit…and asked to be directed. There immediately followed radio announcements, chance conversations and unexpected visitors all bringing me exactly what I needed at the very moment of that need. And since that decisive day in early 2008 to this twelfth day of July, 2011, I have enjoyed the fullness of radiant health.
I’m not really sure of the direction that this Blog will now take. It is no longer up to me for I have fully and finally turned my gaze from the past; and in the here-now have submitted—surrendered—the complete and total focus of my attention to that Inner Presence.
A page from this morning’s writings may clarify:
…enough already! Let all of that crap go! It owns you. It is still alive and well living in, as, through you! Do not think upon the past. Whenever a thought pops into mind—along with its BAD FEELINGS, simply replace it with TRUTH! And what is truth?
It’s the same old story—the same old choice: Heaven or Earth; God or the mammon? Earth and the mammon being the creations of the “i. Versus La Diosa Crista adentro, the Christ within Who will take the oars of this “boat,” if permitted, and row it in a direction that the “i” did not chose; into areas that are yet unformed; unseen and unimaginable from the vantage point of the “i.” .
It is simply time for me to turn from contemplation of the past and begin honoring my imagination and creativity right here-now in the present; allowing my life…my very breath to flow not from the “i” but from the Center of my being where dwells That Which Breathes All into Reality…
“Conversations with God,” II: Journal Entries—10/12/07 – 10/14/07
You know what, God; all of this cancer information is a bit much. It’s as if everyone is afraid of cancer. Like it’s this BIG SCARY THING. I am not afraid of it. I think I’m more afraid of putting chemicals in my body but then everyone has me spooked about what will happen to me if I don’t! What do I do, Lord?
I know in the end I will follow my own heart. If I take chemo, it will be a fear-based decision. But I’m afraid not to take it. What should I do, Lord? All things being what they are, what makes best sense? But I actually don’t know how things really are. I only know what they appear to be. And we are told to ignore appearances, for appearances or physical reality is but a reflection, a three-dimensional representation of the beliefs, emotions, etc., that we hold in consciousness…What say You?
Immediate Inner Response:
At this moment, TR, you do not have the decision to make. It is not time yet. You will see Dr. S. on Monday and he will give you the facts from his viewpoint or perspective. You will make decisions as you go along, remembering that chemo will not kill you if it’s not your time to go; and believe me, child, you still have much left to do in this lifetime. Fear not! Just continue enjoying each and every day of your life as you are doing now. Do not worry about tomorrow. Stay in the NOW—in the present. Make decisions as the time for making them unfolds before you.
What do I really, really want?
The direction and tutelage of my Divine Soul; to no longer live by the decisions of my mind-personality-ego but to permit my life to unfold day by day, step by step from that inner place of knowing; knowing that all of my needs are met even before I am aware of what they are.
Phew! Overdid it again. Boy do I overestimate my physical strength. Bought too many things; the bags were too heavy; won’t do that again. There is a huge difference between walking around your apartment and walking in the street and shopping and carrying a load of groceries home. From now on I will limit my outdoor trips to the bench where I’ll sit in the sunshine!
Feeling so sad. Lonely. Down. Bored. Woman here—the aide. She’s done all of her work already; in just 1 ½ hours. She now has another 1 ½ hour to go. Wish she could leave early so that I could be alone for the rest of the day. But she has to “clock-out” by telephone; won’t get paid for the three hours if she doesn’t put the time in. And so, I have to baby sit the home health aide.
When did the sadness begin? It was right after I spoke to R and J. J had R call me from the park. He had told her that I had undergone surgery. I only confirmed to her that it was serious, that I was healing but wouldn’t be back to drumming until next summer. That made me sad. I so miss drumming in the park.
Also felt low when I got back from shopping earlier and had to come to terms with the reality of my physical condition; had to accept the fact that recovery and healing will be a slow process; that Speedo Toni has to slow down.
What am I to be doing while my body is healing, God?
Immediate Inner Response:
Understand that this is a long journey. You will not be healed and up and about and running the streets in a month or even in two or three months. This is a process. And you have been stilled despite yourself. You understand that the stillness that is required of you now, could not have been achieved without something major knocking you down and putting you out of the game. You would not have just stopped on your own. I know it and you know it. So, be still, my love. Allow your own divine soul, the Christ Part of you that is ME to finally emerge from the place where you, the ego-personality, has kept it hidden away; in the background, following the ego-leader, round and round on that merry-go-round of a life that you’ve been living since listening to your father and that psychiatrist when your daughter was still but an infant.
You must journey all the way back to that fork in the road and meet up with that young woman again. You are now free; no children; no pets; nothing but your life stretched out ahead of you; years and years more of life, a whole new lifetime before you, in which to do it over again; to do what your soul came to do before it was so thoroughly conditioned by family, racial group, society, peers…
Who are you, really? Where and how do you want to spend the rest of your life? You have more time left now than you’ve already spent from that time at the fork in the road. Go back there. Find that young woman. This time, follow her and not your father and the psychiatrist.
Slow down. You have plenty of time. Slow down. There is no rush.
And so, today I put forth the container of my self-Self to be filled and I let my Divine mission unfold before me.
Declaration of Intention- 10/14/07; Sunday, 4:52 p.m.:
I intend to find and connect with my Soul; the Essential Self that came to this flesh body to serve a unique function as part of the Godhead on earth during this lifetime. I intend to reach back in time and touch that Soul when She/It was clear; before She/It made decisions that were very much conditioned by family, society—the world. I return to a time before the decision was made to take the path that led to this moment: breast cancer-mastectomy-reconstructive surgery-laid-up-for-months-recovery, recuperation and the resultant creation of a new self.
I intend to surrender this life, the remainder of it, to the guidance, leadership and direction of my own Divine Soul-Goddess Self who came to do something that can only be done by the Soul that inhabits the body of this entity called Toni Roberts. Așe.
So be it on this 14th day of October in the year 2007.
Blog Page: 6/1/11
Find myself very much in the present—in the here and now—again today. My journals from 2007 through 2010 lay in a pile at my feet as I sit gazing out at my river.
Perhaps this moment—and every moment of my life—is the unfolding of the journey through breast cancer to wholeness? Perhaps this is what I came to do—to be—the why of my being here-now. Perhaps this me-now is the elusive purpose in being I eternally seek.
I’ve been brought to myself and to my Self; sitting and being in the NOW—in the present—and allowing the doing to flow seamlessly from the being.
For the second day this week, I am putting aside my current journal, ignoring the stack of old journals and picking up my legal pad and fresh Precise V5, extra fine pen: my writing tools. The Writer has awakened. I can feel Her stirring within. And She’s not here to begin another rewrite of my 19 year old unpublished novel. Nor is She here to add another journal to the closet full of the pain, pathos, joy and love documented by me for the past 38 years of my life.
I am pulled in this moment by an irresistible urge to put pen to pad and write for my Blog. The Writer within understands, even if I don’t, how my telephone conversation of just moments before has everything to do with the journey to wholeness witnessed in these blog pages. A journey that began some four years ago when I stood at that fork in the road: that juncture where the sign on the path that went off to the left read: Death, while the other path, pointing towards a long stretch of road to the right, bore a sign which read: Life. I know that The Writer knows exactly how this tale that I’m about to relate fits in perfectly with Her Purpose, Her Direction, Her Goals—in all of this “blogging”.
So, excuse me, journals from the past. Perhaps I’ll get back to you and perhaps I won’t. But right now—in this here and now—I must follow that gentle nudging from within.
I just hung up the telephone after talking with my make believe, godmother, E., a woman in her late 80s? Early 90s? I remembered that she had told me the other night that her sister, D., was in the hospital. I think D. must be in her mid-80s. Despite the fact that both women are friends of my mother’s whom I’ve known since childhood, I’m unsure of their ages because E. behaves as if the disclosure of a woman’s true age is a cosmic secret, the revelation of which, results in a long and painful death.
Anyhoo…E. had told me the other night that her 80 something year old sister had fallen in her home and broken her hip. The doctors could not operate for reasons I know not—don’t think E. knew either—and the doctors said that the sister would never walk again. What was unspoken—LOUDLY AND CLEARLY—was the likelihood that this was the beginning of her sister’s journey from the flesh to wherever.
Today I called E. to get her sister’s hospital telephone number so that I might wish her well. E. started in immediately telling me how bad the hip was, what bad shape her sister was in, how small and thin she was because she hadn’t been eating for months and her weight was now down to 80 something pounds, and, she added: as a matter of fact, there was something wrong with her heart and the doctors had wanted to do a procedure and she (D., the sister) said she didn’t want it done—it was something they put into her heart—but her daughter (E.’s sister’s daughter) told the doctors to go ahead and do the procedure anyway—so she (E.’s sister) just had it done…against her will! But then the doctors know best.
I NEARLY LOST IT!
It took every ounce of control I could summon to not scream and yell like a madwoman; the intensity of my anger—the seething I felt within—gave me pause. I breathed deeply and remained human…
“That is why,” I said to her calmly, “I have a living will. So that no one, not the doctors, my children or grandchildren will have my artificially sustained body—with all replaceable parts having been replaced—tubes hanging from every orifice—warehoused in the back wards of some hospital bringing in obscene profits to the U.S. Pharmaceutical-Medical Industrial Complex—perhaps for years—while they “prolong my life” with the latest drugs and gadgets created by white men in white coats in white labs.
“That is not life. That is not living and it was highly disrespectful of your sister’s daughter and her doctors to go against your sister’s wishes and desires as regards her own body and life. How dare they? Is it a basic deep-seated fear of the unmentionable: death—dying—that drives us to the ridiculous rather than let go of our loved-ones? We are going to die. Your sister is going to die. You are going to die. I am going to die.
“Perhaps if we changed our perspective, we could erase the fear of death. I respect the Life that is behind and beyond this living breathing body; that Life from whence my being unfolds. It decides when to leave this human form to travel on to I know not where. And when, for whatever causes, the miraculous systems and organs of this beautiful creation I call my body begin to break down, I will know that it is time to leave. I will know when the end of this mysterious journey has arrived. I will then gladly surrender this life to its rightful Owner: that which lives in, as and through this flesh form; and journey off to the next adventure in being. AND I WILL NOT SUFFER ANY INTERFERENCE BY ANYONE WITH THE START OF THE NEXT JOURNEY.
“So many of our rights are slowly being chipped away bit by bit—while we shop! Do we not have the right to die in peace? Or has that been placed in the hands of those who profit first from assaulting and destroying the human body with pharmaceuticals; and then by keeping it artificially sustained (they call it “alive”) for increasingly longer and longer periods of time. Do you realize the billions of dollars made from ‘prolonging life’?”
Before we hung up, my godmother, E., said to me in a very quiet, thoughtful tone of voice, “You know, you’ve made me see things from a different…”
“Perspective,” I said.
“Yes,” she answered.
Have I altered yours? Even a teensy-weensy bit?
A Harlem: A Reflection of Life’s Cycles
Today, the spotlight of my gaze shifts from the past to here-now.
Yesterday a good friend of mine and I drifted through Harlem. We flowed with the current of this Memorial Day Sunday, allowing it to carry us along as we relaxed into Life and re-connected with the Village of Harlem.
I loved the quaintness of the French Bistro on 7th, and the TAKE THIS CRAP FOR FREE yard “sale” outside that brownstone on 139th Street. I now have a cake of handmade soap, a work of art that adds to the uniqueness of my bathroom decor; and yet another book to add to the overflowing piles in every room of my apartment.
I love the fact that I am now inspired to clean the crap from my own closets and drawers and set up a TAKE THIS CRAP FOR FREE corner in the laundry room of my building. I am always seeking ways in which I may begin to live a life of more giving and less taking.
Harlem loves me and I love Harlem. I love drumming with the folks in Marcus Garvey Park on as many Saturdays as I get my Bertha butt out of the house and on the express bus to Manhattan.
I love the hustle and bustle—the unique Harlem energy—of 125th Street where I sometimes walk the strip from 8th Avenue to 3rd—just for the feel of it. (Sorry, I’m old school and can’t remember those new names for the Avenues I’ve known since childhood!)
I loved the crush of Sunday tourists at brunch up at Londell’s yesterday; the accents; the cacophony of so many foreign tongues; the strangeness of so many white faces.
Then…there were the closed for-business-businesses…the gated storefronts…block after block after block…
Melancholy…bittersweet is what I begin to feel as I battle to accept the changing face of Harlem.
Death and rebirth…decay and new life growing from that decay…like the cycles of my own life.
Like Harlem, I experience my own mini-deaths each day as the no-longer-useful parts of who I’ve been gradually die-off to make room for the birthing of La Diosa–Crista.
And then one day—behold—a new face…a new form…a new life.
Just like Harlem.