one woman's journey to wholeness…

Archive for the ‘free will’ Category

This Is Not The Time…

Divine Feminine Rising – Pencil Drawing/Collage/Photography by Toni Roberts

For man to attempt to bend Reality to human Will

But more than ever before….

The Time has come for humanity to BEND to the WILL of the TIMES

 

Or…as they used to say…in my day…

Just go with the Flow…”

 

(“A word to wise is more than sufficient…”)

Toni Roberts

 

http://toniroberts.imagekind.com

https://www.facebook.com/gaiadaughters

 

On Death By Suicide…

river post davin 3 18 16 012

River…Post-Davin; photo by Toni Roberts; copyright 2016

the loss of my beloved grandson

who last month

at the tender age of twenty-one

exercised

free will

his by divine right

and chose to exit this world quickly…

via a bullet to the head...

Got me thinking about

death by suicide…

and how all humans leave this realm

via death by suicide

   consciously…by their own hand

or unconsciously…

blaming their leave-taking on Fate or “God…”

forgetting that we are all creatures of

free will

   and that nothing

not even death is imposed upon us by some

mysterious all-powerful Force

It is we who knowingly or unknowingly

create these painful, ghastly, unimaginable  dis-eases

that debilitate and devour our our bodies

system by system…

organ by organ…

in a slow death by suicide...

Indeed…by the use or misuse of free will…

all death is by our daily decisions and choices

although my heart breaks at the thought of the degree of unendurable psychic pain

that drove my beloved to so quickly end this earthly sojourn…

this shared here-now…

I grant him his right of

conscious exercise of 

free-will…

And I here-now bless the Essence of the boy-man I so loved

on Its continued journey

“Altared” At My Altar On A Number Seven Day…Incoming Message…

Today is a number seven day…

a day of surrender to the Source of your being.

This is a very propitious time…

with much going on in the lives of those connected to you…

You must remain anchored in Spirit

Allow your God to be you…

to guide your every thought…every action…

every step you take and

word you speak.

Remember–your only job is to

keep on loving and to use your human will to

maintain conscious connection to

The Great Mystery

Let It do the Work

inas…and through you…

from the inside out…

Finding One’s Way…

There's a fog upon the land...

 

Sometimes there’s a fog upon the land

and one cannot see one’s way

clearly…

Then an opening appears…

Getting through the fog...

 

 

And one can find one’s way through…

Finding safe passage...

 

Home free...

A Conversation with Disease


    A Conversation with Disease

A very dear friend of mine has been suffering from a very painful, increasingly debilitating disease for many, many years now. We talked on the telephone earlier today and after we hung up, I was struck by how creaky and unstable her voice sounded. I could no longer hear or feel any power behind it. Has she given her power to the disease I thought—thinking about how much of her conversation these days is filled with talk about the disease and its effect on her body and life—and now she and the disease appeared to be locked in a battle for both.

It has been my personal experience that disease thrives on attention and negative energies such as anger and hatred—as in the emotions generated with an action or even a thought such as: I’m going to kill you. The disease most often will dig in deeper with: Oh, yeah, just try it and see who wins this battle, you jerk.

I then imagined myself, in her stead, in conversation with her disease and asked of it: What do you want of me? Why are you here? Who created you? The floodgate opened:

You’re the one who created me. You’re the one who can’t face the shadow aspects of your own psyche; those qualities within self that one projects onto the other. Yeah, you loved me, nurtured me, pampered and babied me until I grew up. Now that I have power of my own and am just beginning to enjoy this life you gave me, you want to get rid of me. Well, fat chance. I don’t care how many chemicals you pour into your body to poison and kill me. I’m stronger than any of them. They cannot create that garbage fast enough in their labs; and whatever they come up with, I’ll beat the crap out of it. And any traces that are left alive will turn around and kill your organs, tissues, cells…right down to your DNA. You cannot beat me in battle.

 There is one way, however, that you can uncreate me. And I am so sure you’re not going to do it—can’t do it—that I’m going to come right out and tell you how:

  All you have to do is own that part of yourself, the existence of which—you are unaware.

And that’s what my friend’s disease said to me when I began to question it in her stead.

A Healing Mini-Vacation in Central Park

the hypnotic beauty of water...

I’ve been held house-prisoner for so many weeks this summer by the heat. Can’t take it. Yesterday was not as bad as it had been so I took advantage of being able to once again breathe outdoors, jumped on the express bus to Manhattan and headed to one of my most favorite places in the world: Central Park! Of course, with camera in-hand! Oh, the beauty of a day in Central Park. Made me feel grateful just to be alive and fortunate enough to have access to acres and acres of natural beauty just a bus ride away. It was a mini-vacation. Do enjoy my “vacation” photos!

lunch at the boathouse...

Who needs to pack a bag, jump on plane and travel to distant shores with such peace and beauty as this,  just a bus ride away? I was surprised at how few “inner city” New Yorkers take advantage of the Park.

 

 

 

Even the tunnels are exquisite works of art!

Fifth Avenue skyline...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Looking east above the trees at the Fifth Avenue skyline…the beauty of it takes one’s breath…

 

 

 

 

the castle...

 

 

Belvedere Castle set against the bluest, clearest most beautiful background “painted” by the Master!

You can see more photographs from my day in Central Park at http://www.rightstockphotos.com/view_photog.php?photogid=15

Enjoy!

Hard Lessons of This Path

new horizons...

Journal Entry: July 25, 2011

Hard Lessons of This Path I’ve Chosen to Tread

I find myself at a place of great struggle to continue to submit my human will to Divine Will or the Will of Something that is greater than my needy, greedy, fearful, and filled with earthly desires human will. It ain’t easy! But then, “they” say if the Path were easy, more would tread it—or something like that. This Path I’ve chosen is one of isolation, fear and doubt yet Something keeps me pushing forward towards the Light. There is now present an inner certainty that has moved beyond mere belief into a deep visceral knowing.

I am learning to use consciousness—my mind—my thinking, reasoning capabilities. That has been my major weak point. I have always moved directly from the realm of emotions and feelings into action. God-forbid my allowing my mind or powers of reasoning to intervene. I now find myself able to maintain that state of Divine Tension: that period of extreme discomfort while waiting in the void; in the emptiness and uncertainty that precedes acting from the highest wisdom and love.

I find myself somewhat of a participating observer in what is still—surprisingly—very much my life. In fact, this changing life that I am living becomes daily more of a reflection of my deepest heart and will. I am increasingly more able to release everyday concerns and fears; to release this beingness that I am to the in-breath—the inhalation of Life—and then allowing—the out-breath—the exhalation to become the forms, events and experiences of everyday existence.

I am having to accept that I am not in charge of what is being created through my human beingness. Nor am I in a position to see—to even guess the who? When? Why? Where? And how? of the path unfolding before me. I tread a path of patience, perseverance and continued learning at the inner Altar of Knowledge.

I am finding that this great Purpose which moves me to action is of far greater importance in the overall scheme of things than my individual plans, needs and desires. I am devoted to this Purpose, this Calling of mind/Mind, heart/Heart and will/Will to a higher vibratory level of being. I will follow It in the midst of all and any human circumstances, challenges and difficulties. The glamour of the third dimension is losing its allure. I stand at the brink of a new way of being human.

Journal Entry: July 22, 2011

Arise...

Journal Entry: July 22, 2011

The temperature index range today is 106 to 112 degrees, so I know where my ass will be for the second day in a row. It’s even too hot at night to go out walking. Guess I’ll continue cleaning the apartment for exercise. I’ll walk around the house a lot—like my mother used to do—from room to room all night long. What a mad woman and no one to help her. All she had was her job and her money—that was her Savior.

I do have compassion for her now. How great her suffering must have been all of her life—from the age of eight. And no useful help; not the rich inner life that I have always had or trained outside help like psychotherapy; or the many support groups from whom I’ve benefitted through the years. I spent most of my adult life first recognizing, then accepting and owning my wounds; and then finally doing something about them. I still am involved in what appears to be a lifelong process of healing and growth. This very act of journal writing is part of “doing the work,” clearing the passageway; purifying the vehicle the instrument through which the Creation continues to unfold…

I am so grateful for this sacred time in which to turn one hundred percent of my attention…my life energy…to my passions; to the callings of my heart. I have ceased the years-long writing and re-writing of my novel. I have kissed the ghosts of those old characters good-bye and have moved on. I completed a short story; the first in more than twenty years. I’ve entered my writing and photography into competition and am actively researching online markets for my completed short story—the first of many lined up in consciousness waiting to be heard and told.

I now give very little of my attention and energy to the never-ending stream of events, circumstances and people in my external world. I am alive again. I am free. I am blessed. I am aware of being part of a world in healing; of a reversal of human focus and expenditure of energy. I am consciously connected to the One Energy—which, I am learning is a powerful, benevolent, intelligent creative force available to everyone to be used as one chooses. It comes down to the one choice we humans have—whether or not we realize it—and that sole choice is between “God and the mammon”Spirit or FleshInner or Outer

Finally (or is it once again!), I find myself at that crossroad of choice and I make the only intelligent choice. This time I’m sticking to it!

May the Force be with my Bertha butt!

Journal Entry: July 12, 2011

looking through a different window

JOURNAL ENTRY: JULY 12, 2011

Been away from blogging for a while. Busy living…thinking…contemplating my navel—learning and growing…I hope…

Decided to fast-forward re the cancer “event.” Yes, that was exactly what it turned out to be: an event—an opportunity for me to learn about who I am and why I’m here—an occasion for growth. And so, I stopped the chemo, chose life and turned within to what I call Divine Intelligence…a loving God…Spirit…and asked to be directed. There immediately followed radio announcements, chance conversations and unexpected visitors all bringing me exactly what I needed at the very moment of that need. And since that decisive day in early 2008 to this twelfth day of July, 2011, I have enjoyed the fullness of radiant health.

I’m not really sure of the direction that this Blog will now take. It is no longer up to me for I have fully and finally turned my gaze from the past; and in the here-now have submitted—surrendered—the complete and total focus of my attention to that Inner Presence.

A page from this morning’s writings may clarify:

            …enough already! Let all of that crap go! It owns you. It is still alive and well living in, as, through you! Do not think upon the past. Whenever a thought pops into mind—along with its BAD FEELINGS, simply replace it with TRUTH! And what is truth?

  1. That the thoughts and feelings that I am now experiencing are creations of the frightened child—the part of me that believes that she is ALONE in this 3-D HELL with all of its boogey-men popping up here, then there, then here again—BOO! BOO! HA! GOTCHA!
  2.  That this same part of me believes that it is disconnected from the Source of its being; from this PHONOMENOM called “God,” The Creator, the All in all. She firmly believes that the events, situations and people popping up in her daily experience—all of these “negatives” that either frighten her or make her sad—are real. Indeed, they do constitute a “reality,” however, it is one that is created and recreated by the constant focus of her mind, attention and belief upon them. It is my own mental energy keeping the boogey-men of my life alive and in place! Somewhat like walking in place and going nowhere.
  3.  BUT—simultaneously—there exists another “world,” so to speak, another Reality. The Real Reality—a TOTALLY DIFERENT HERE-NOW that exists in the same Time Space in which my human consciousness exists. And if “i” step aside and allow It—this Super Self—Christ Self to take over the direction of the Entity of which “i” am a part, It will unfold a new Reality: a Heaven on earth; in, as and through me: the “i,” Its vehicle.

It’s the same old story—the same old choice: Heaven or Earth; God or the mammon? Earth and the mammon being the creations of the “i. Versus La Diosa Crista adentro, the Christ within Who will take the oars of this “boat,” if permitted, and row it in a direction that the “i” did not chose; into areas that are yet unformed; unseen and unimaginable from the vantage point of the “i.” .

It is simply time for me to turn from contemplation of the past and begin honoring my imagination and creativity right here-now in the present; allowing my life…my very breath to flow not from the “i” but from the Center of my being where dwells That Which Breathes All into Reality…

“Conversations with God” II 10/12-14/07

time for deep communing...

“Conversations with God,” II: Journal Entries—10/12/07 – 10/14/07

10/12/07

Toni

You know what, God; all of this cancer information is a bit much. It’s as if everyone is afraid of cancer. Like it’s this BIG SCARY THING. I am not afraid of it. I think I’m more afraid of putting chemicals in my body but then everyone has me spooked about what will happen to me if I don’t! What do I do, Lord?

I know in the end I will follow my own heart. If I take chemo, it will be a fear-based decision. But I’m afraid not to take it. What should I do, Lord? All things being what they are, what makes best sense? But I actually don’t know how things really are. I only know what they appear to be. And we are told to ignore appearances, for appearances or physical reality is but a reflection, a three-dimensional representation of the beliefs, emotions, etc., that we hold in consciousness…What say You?

Immediate Inner Response:

At this moment, TR, you do not have the decision to make. It is not time yet. You will see Dr. S. on Monday and he will give you the facts from his viewpoint or perspective. You will make decisions as you go along, remembering that chemo will not kill you if it’s not your time to go; and believe me, child, you still have much left to do in this lifetime. Fear not! Just continue enjoying each and every day of your life as you are doing now. Do not worry about tomorrow. Stay in the NOW—in the present. Make decisions as the time for making them unfolds before you.

10/14/07

Toni

What do I really, really want?

The direction and tutelage of my Divine Soul; to no longer live by the decisions of my mind-personality-ego but to permit my life to unfold day by day, step by step from that inner place of knowing; knowing that all of my needs are met even before I am aware of what they are.

1:43 p.m.

Phew! Overdid it again. Boy do I overestimate my physical strength. Bought too many things; the bags were too heavy; won’t do that again. There is a huge difference between walking around your apartment and walking in the street and shopping and carrying a load of groceries home. From now on I will limit my outdoor trips to the bench where I’ll sit in the sunshine!

4:10 p.m.

Feeling so sad. Lonely. Down. Bored. Woman here—the aide. She’s done all of her work already; in just 1 ½ hours. She now has another 1 ½ hour to go. Wish she could leave early so that I could be alone for the rest of the day. But she has to “clock-out” by telephone; won’t get paid for the three hours if she doesn’t put the time in. And so, I have to baby sit the home health aide.

When did the sadness begin? It was right after I spoke to R and J. J had R call me from the park. He had told her that I had undergone surgery. I only confirmed to her that it was serious, that I was healing but wouldn’t be back to drumming until next summer. That made me sad. I so miss drumming in the park.

Also felt low when I got back from shopping earlier and had to come to terms with the reality of my physical condition; had to accept the fact that recovery and healing will be a slow process; that Speedo Toni has to slow down.

What am I to be doing while my body is healing, God?

Immediate Inner Response:

Understand that this is a long journey. You will not be healed and up and about and running the streets in a month or even in two or three months. This is a process. And you have been stilled despite yourself. You understand that the stillness that is required of you now, could not have been achieved without something major knocking you down and putting you out of the game. You would not have just stopped on your own. I know it and you know it. So, be still, my love. Allow your own divine soul, the Christ Part of you that is ME to finally emerge from the place where you, the ego-personality, has kept it hidden away; in the background, following the ego-leader, round and round on that merry-go-round of a life that you’ve been living since listening to your father and that psychiatrist when your daughter was still but an infant.

You must journey all the way back to that fork in the road and meet up with that young woman again. You are now free; no children; no pets; nothing but your life stretched out ahead of you; years and years more of life, a whole new lifetime before you, in which to do it over again; to do what your soul came to do before it was so thoroughly conditioned by family, racial group, society, peers…

Who are you, really? Where and how do you want to spend the rest of your life? You have more time left now than you’ve already spent from that time at the fork in the road. Go back there. Find that young woman. This time, follow her and not your father and the psychiatrist.

Slow down. You have plenty of time. Slow down. There is no rush.

Toni

And so, today I put forth the container of my self-Self to be filled and I let my Divine mission unfold before me.

Declaration of Intention- 10/14/07; Sunday, 4:52 p.m.:

I intend to find and connect with my Soul; the Essential Self that came to this flesh body to serve a unique function as part of the Godhead on earth during this lifetime. I intend to reach back in time and touch that Soul when She/It was clear; before She/It made decisions that were very much conditioned by family, society—the world. I return to a time before the decision was made to take the path that led to this moment: breast cancer-mastectomy-reconstructive surgery-laid-up-for-months-recovery, recuperation and the resultant creation of a new self.

I intend to surrender this life, the remainder of it, to the guidance, leadership and direction of my own Divine Soul-Goddess Self who came to do something that can only be done by the Soul that inhabits the body of this entity called Toni Roberts. Așe.

So be it on this 14th day of October in the year 2007.

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