one woman's journey to wholeness…

Archive for the ‘breast cancer surgery’ Category

Journal Entry: July 12, 2011

looking through a different window

JOURNAL ENTRY: JULY 12, 2011

Been away from blogging for a while. Busy living…thinking…contemplating my navel—learning and growing…I hope…

Decided to fast-forward re the cancer “event.” Yes, that was exactly what it turned out to be: an event—an opportunity for me to learn about who I am and why I’m here—an occasion for growth. And so, I stopped the chemo, chose life and turned within to what I call Divine Intelligence…a loving God…Spirit…and asked to be directed. There immediately followed radio announcements, chance conversations and unexpected visitors all bringing me exactly what I needed at the very moment of that need. And since that decisive day in early 2008 to this twelfth day of July, 2011, I have enjoyed the fullness of radiant health.

I’m not really sure of the direction that this Blog will now take. It is no longer up to me for I have fully and finally turned my gaze from the past; and in the here-now have submitted—surrendered—the complete and total focus of my attention to that Inner Presence.

A page from this morning’s writings may clarify:

            …enough already! Let all of that crap go! It owns you. It is still alive and well living in, as, through you! Do not think upon the past. Whenever a thought pops into mind—along with its BAD FEELINGS, simply replace it with TRUTH! And what is truth?

  1. That the thoughts and feelings that I am now experiencing are creations of the frightened child—the part of me that believes that she is ALONE in this 3-D HELL with all of its boogey-men popping up here, then there, then here again—BOO! BOO! HA! GOTCHA!
  2.  That this same part of me believes that it is disconnected from the Source of its being; from this PHONOMENOM called “God,” The Creator, the All in all. She firmly believes that the events, situations and people popping up in her daily experience—all of these “negatives” that either frighten her or make her sad—are real. Indeed, they do constitute a “reality,” however, it is one that is created and recreated by the constant focus of her mind, attention and belief upon them. It is my own mental energy keeping the boogey-men of my life alive and in place! Somewhat like walking in place and going nowhere.
  3.  BUT—simultaneously—there exists another “world,” so to speak, another Reality. The Real Reality—a TOTALLY DIFERENT HERE-NOW that exists in the same Time Space in which my human consciousness exists. And if “i” step aside and allow It—this Super Self—Christ Self to take over the direction of the Entity of which “i” am a part, It will unfold a new Reality: a Heaven on earth; in, as and through me: the “i,” Its vehicle.

It’s the same old story—the same old choice: Heaven or Earth; God or the mammon? Earth and the mammon being the creations of the “i. Versus La Diosa Crista adentro, the Christ within Who will take the oars of this “boat,” if permitted, and row it in a direction that the “i” did not chose; into areas that are yet unformed; unseen and unimaginable from the vantage point of the “i.” .

It is simply time for me to turn from contemplation of the past and begin honoring my imagination and creativity right here-now in the present; allowing my life…my very breath to flow not from the “i” but from the Center of my being where dwells That Which Breathes All into Reality…

“Conversations with God” II 10/12-14/07

time for deep communing...

“Conversations with God,” II: Journal Entries—10/12/07 – 10/14/07

10/12/07

Toni

You know what, God; all of this cancer information is a bit much. It’s as if everyone is afraid of cancer. Like it’s this BIG SCARY THING. I am not afraid of it. I think I’m more afraid of putting chemicals in my body but then everyone has me spooked about what will happen to me if I don’t! What do I do, Lord?

I know in the end I will follow my own heart. If I take chemo, it will be a fear-based decision. But I’m afraid not to take it. What should I do, Lord? All things being what they are, what makes best sense? But I actually don’t know how things really are. I only know what they appear to be. And we are told to ignore appearances, for appearances or physical reality is but a reflection, a three-dimensional representation of the beliefs, emotions, etc., that we hold in consciousness…What say You?

Immediate Inner Response:

At this moment, TR, you do not have the decision to make. It is not time yet. You will see Dr. S. on Monday and he will give you the facts from his viewpoint or perspective. You will make decisions as you go along, remembering that chemo will not kill you if it’s not your time to go; and believe me, child, you still have much left to do in this lifetime. Fear not! Just continue enjoying each and every day of your life as you are doing now. Do not worry about tomorrow. Stay in the NOW—in the present. Make decisions as the time for making them unfolds before you.

10/14/07

Toni

What do I really, really want?

The direction and tutelage of my Divine Soul; to no longer live by the decisions of my mind-personality-ego but to permit my life to unfold day by day, step by step from that inner place of knowing; knowing that all of my needs are met even before I am aware of what they are.

1:43 p.m.

Phew! Overdid it again. Boy do I overestimate my physical strength. Bought too many things; the bags were too heavy; won’t do that again. There is a huge difference between walking around your apartment and walking in the street and shopping and carrying a load of groceries home. From now on I will limit my outdoor trips to the bench where I’ll sit in the sunshine!

4:10 p.m.

Feeling so sad. Lonely. Down. Bored. Woman here—the aide. She’s done all of her work already; in just 1 ½ hours. She now has another 1 ½ hour to go. Wish she could leave early so that I could be alone for the rest of the day. But she has to “clock-out” by telephone; won’t get paid for the three hours if she doesn’t put the time in. And so, I have to baby sit the home health aide.

When did the sadness begin? It was right after I spoke to R and J. J had R call me from the park. He had told her that I had undergone surgery. I only confirmed to her that it was serious, that I was healing but wouldn’t be back to drumming until next summer. That made me sad. I so miss drumming in the park.

Also felt low when I got back from shopping earlier and had to come to terms with the reality of my physical condition; had to accept the fact that recovery and healing will be a slow process; that Speedo Toni has to slow down.

What am I to be doing while my body is healing, God?

Immediate Inner Response:

Understand that this is a long journey. You will not be healed and up and about and running the streets in a month or even in two or three months. This is a process. And you have been stilled despite yourself. You understand that the stillness that is required of you now, could not have been achieved without something major knocking you down and putting you out of the game. You would not have just stopped on your own. I know it and you know it. So, be still, my love. Allow your own divine soul, the Christ Part of you that is ME to finally emerge from the place where you, the ego-personality, has kept it hidden away; in the background, following the ego-leader, round and round on that merry-go-round of a life that you’ve been living since listening to your father and that psychiatrist when your daughter was still but an infant.

You must journey all the way back to that fork in the road and meet up with that young woman again. You are now free; no children; no pets; nothing but your life stretched out ahead of you; years and years more of life, a whole new lifetime before you, in which to do it over again; to do what your soul came to do before it was so thoroughly conditioned by family, racial group, society, peers…

Who are you, really? Where and how do you want to spend the rest of your life? You have more time left now than you’ve already spent from that time at the fork in the road. Go back there. Find that young woman. This time, follow her and not your father and the psychiatrist.

Slow down. You have plenty of time. Slow down. There is no rush.

Toni

And so, today I put forth the container of my self-Self to be filled and I let my Divine mission unfold before me.

Declaration of Intention- 10/14/07; Sunday, 4:52 p.m.:

I intend to find and connect with my Soul; the Essential Self that came to this flesh body to serve a unique function as part of the Godhead on earth during this lifetime. I intend to reach back in time and touch that Soul when She/It was clear; before She/It made decisions that were very much conditioned by family, society—the world. I return to a time before the decision was made to take the path that led to this moment: breast cancer-mastectomy-reconstructive surgery-laid-up-for-months-recovery, recuperation and the resultant creation of a new self.

I intend to surrender this life, the remainder of it, to the guidance, leadership and direction of my own Divine Soul-Goddess Self who came to do something that can only be done by the Soul that inhabits the body of this entity called Toni Roberts. Așe.

So be it on this 14th day of October in the year 2007.

Blog Page: 6/1/11

somewhere beyond the horizon

Blog Page: 6/1/11

Find myself very much in the present—in the here and now—again today. My journals from 2007 through 2010 lay in a pile at my feet as I sit gazing out at my river.

Perhaps this moment—and every moment of my life—is the unfolding of the journey through breast cancer to wholeness? Perhaps this is what I came to do—to be—the why of my being here-now. Perhaps this me-now is the elusive purpose in being I eternally seek.

I’ve been brought to myself and to my Self; sitting and being in the NOW—in the present—and allowing the doing to flow seamlessly from the being.

For the second day this week, I am putting aside my current journal, ignoring the stack of old journals and picking up my legal pad and fresh Precise V5, extra fine pen: my writing tools. The Writer has awakened. I can feel Her stirring within. And She’s not here to begin another rewrite of my 19 year old unpublished novel. Nor is She here to add another journal to the closet full of the pain, pathos, joy and love documented by me for the past 38 years of my life.

I am pulled in this moment by an irresistible urge to put pen to pad and write for my Blog. The Writer within understands, even if I don’t, how my telephone conversation of just moments before has everything to do with the journey to wholeness witnessed in these blog pages. A journey that began some four years ago when I stood at that fork in the road: that juncture where the sign on the path that went off to the left read: Death, while the other path, pointing towards a long stretch of road to the right, bore a sign which read: Life. I know that The Writer knows exactly how this tale that I’m about to relate fits in perfectly with Her Purpose, Her Direction, Her Goals—in all of this “blogging”.

So, excuse me, journals from the past. Perhaps I’ll get back to you and perhaps I won’t. But right now—in this here and now—I must follow that gentle nudging from within.

Today’s Tale

I just hung up the telephone after talking with my make believe, godmother, E., a woman in her late 80s? Early 90s? I remembered that she had told me the other night that her sister, D., was in the hospital. I think D. must be in her mid-80s. Despite the fact that both women are friends of my mother’s whom I’ve known since childhood, I’m unsure of their ages because E. behaves as if the disclosure of a woman’s true age is a cosmic secret, the revelation of which, results in a long and painful death.

Anyhoo…E. had told me the other night that her 80 something year old sister had fallen in her home and broken her hip. The doctors could not operate for reasons I know not—don’t think E. knew either—and the doctors said that the sister would never walk again. What was unspoken—LOUDLY AND CLEARLY—was the likelihood that this was the beginning of her sister’s journey from the flesh to wherever.

Today I called E. to get her sister’s hospital telephone number so that I might wish her well. E. started in immediately telling me how bad the hip was, what bad shape her sister was in, how small and thin she was because she hadn’t been eating for months and her weight was now down to 80 something pounds, and, she added: as a matter of fact, there was something wrong with her heart and the doctors had wanted to do a procedure and she (D., the sister) said she didn’t want it done—it was something they put into her heart—but her daughter (E.’s sister’s daughter) told the doctors to go ahead and do the procedure anyway—so she (E.’s sister) just had it done…against her will! But then the doctors know best.

I NEARLY LOST IT!

It took every ounce of control I could summon to not scream and yell like a madwoman; the intensity of my anger—the seething I felt within—gave me pause. I breathed deeply and remained human…

“That is why,” I said to her calmly, “I have a living will. So that no one, not the doctors, my children or grandchildren will have my artificially sustained body—with all replaceable parts having been replaced—tubes hanging from every orifice—warehoused in the back wards of some hospital bringing in obscene profits to the U.S. Pharmaceutical-Medical Industrial Complex—perhaps for years—while they “prolong my life” with the latest drugs and gadgets created by white men in white coats in white labs.

“That is not life. That is not living and it was highly disrespectful of your sister’s daughter and her doctors to go against your sister’s wishes and desires as regards her own body and life. How dare they? Is it a basic deep-seated fear of the unmentionable: deathdying—that drives us to the ridiculous rather than let go of our loved-ones? We are going to die. Your sister is going to die. You are going to die. I am going to die.

“Perhaps if we changed our perspective, we could erase the fear of death. I respect the Life that is behind and beyond this living breathing body; that Life from whence my being unfolds. It decides when to leave this human form to travel on to I know not where. And when, for whatever causes, the miraculous systems and organs of this beautiful creation I call my body begin to break down, I will know that it is time to leave. I will know when the end of this mysterious journey has arrived. I will then gladly surrender this life to its rightful Owner: that which lives in, as and through this flesh form; and journey off to the next adventure in being. AND I WILL NOT SUFFER ANY INTERFERENCE BY ANYONE WITH THE START OF THE NEXT JOURNEY.

“So many of our rights are slowly being chipped away bit by bit—while we shop! Do we not have the right to die in peace? Or has that been placed in the hands of those who profit first from assaulting and destroying the human body with pharmaceuticals; and then by keeping it artificially sustained (they call it “alive”) for increasingly longer and longer periods of time. Do you realize the billions of dollars made from ‘prolonging life’?”

Before we hung up, my godmother, E., said to me in a very quiet, thoughtful tone of voice, “You know, you’ve made me see things from a different…”

“Perspective,” I said.

“Yes,” she answered.

Have I altered yours? Even a teensy-weensy bit?

My “Conversations with God” Oct. 5 – 8, 2007

all's right in the world...

My “Conversations with God” October 5, – October 8, 2007

10/5/07

4:24 PM

Looking at Oprah. Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of Eat, Pray, Love is being interviewed. I am feeling very jealous; but knowing that it is now that I must truly turn to God for answers for I KNOW NOT WHAT TO DO. Am very frightened re prospect of chemotherapy.

What do I do, my God? Please direct me. Thank You.

Immediate Inner Response:

This, my dear is the beginning of the real journey. Jimmy (my dead father!) will deliver the vehicle you will ride inward to the Voice and Wisdom of the Divine. All answers—your way will unfold. And without thinking or planning or even knowing, you will find that way—your way—unfolding as you place one foot before the other and walk through your life.

10/6/07

8:25 AM

Toni:

And so, God, what am I supposed to do with this day? What is it You would have me do with this day of my life? What function? What purpose?

Immediate Inner Response:

The function and purpose of your life each day, my dear one, is to live it. Not from some pre-ordained, pre-arranged “Plan” set in heaven or in earth but to live moment by moment from the truth of your heart. That is the purpose, the function of any life.

Even I do not know what you will do, how you will live in the next second of your life. For what would be the role, the function of FREE WILL if all was already set in stone by ME or any other being?

Toni:

So, instead of looking for a pre-known plan for each moment of my life, I will let it unfold as it will; paying strict attention to my own heart; my own desires; and stop trying to sublimate my desires to live the Buddhist Way; denying my desires because I believe them too carnal—too low-CHAKRA; not lofty enough for such a spiritually evolved being as I.

10/07/07

AM

What do I really, really, really want today? Well, at this moment…a peaceful day of doing absolutely nothing. To be alone with my Self in a clean apartment without the woman being here to clean it. Peace. Solitude. Maybe just Y. (my niece visiting from out of town) coming over to talk and visit with me.

PM

Did get a day alone. Well there was the visit from my friend, C. and J., the aide—but other than those two—alone—and came face to face with two of the seemingly many saboteurs who hide out within: Lady Vanity and Spoiled Child, who was actually getting into a snitch about Y., B. and G. going to my mother’s house and not coming over here. Spoiled Child “performed” for D. and the nurse, who both immediately put me in my selfish, self-centered, spoiled child place.

Toni:

God, how do I trust myself? How do I know when it is the Self or just one of the many destructive, inner saboteurs running the show? How do I know the difference?

Immediate Inner Response:

You know by the consequences.

Toni:

That’s not satisfactory. I want to avoid bad consequences by not performing the behavior that results in bad circumstances.

Immediate Inner Response:

When you feel the way you felt today; all irrationally emotional and not loved; like a neglected, unloved, abandoned child in face of the reality to the contrary; when you feel the way you did as a child—then you will know.

10/08/07

Well, what kind of day shall this be? Quiet? Pensive? Introspective? You know, God, I don’t know that I really know myself. I wonder…like Spoiled Child who threw a major tantrum yesterday because she was not the center of attention. Although in her heart, she didn’t truly want all of that company, she really expected her brother to go pick up her mother—her 87 year old mother who has been through carpal tunnel surgery, cataract surgery, two knee replacements, three heart attacks; open heart surgery; a mastectomy, a lumpectomy, radiation treatments and is who is on Tamoxifen and dozens of other drugs for-the-rest-of-her-life-mother—and bring all of them over here to Spoiled Child’s house.

Boy, I shocked and disappointed my friend, C. and of course, D., was thoroughly disgusted with me when I related the whole tale to them. Wow. It wasn’t until C. said what she said to me that I was able to look at myself and see what and who she and D. were seeing. Am I always so self-involved and self-centered? Probably.

Please help me to see myself as others see me; to see my behavior; to not let Spoiled Child and Lady Vanity run my life. Thank You. Is there anything You have to say to me this morning, God, which will perhaps cause this to be a better day? Any guidance? Direction?

Immediate Inner Response:

Stay awake. Don’t go back to sleep. Especially be very aware—attentive to your emotions. Remember how you felt when you had your Spoiled Child meltdown yesterday—the emotional pain, the anger, the feelings that they (your family) didn’t love you and that you, therefore, didn’t care about them; that you would just cross them out of your life. Ask yourself: when did you used to feel like that? When did you experience those same emotions? When you were a child! When you were not getting love in the way you needed it. When you feel that way now, it is a signal that—not so much the spoiled child—but the hurt, wounded, emotionally neglected and abandoned child has come back up to the surface of the personality, and is getting ready to run the show from her hurt, pain and wounds.

It is then time for you to remember, you are not that child any longer. You are very loved and respected by your brother, mother and especially by your nieces. They think that you are the greatest!

It is time for you to live up to the high image of yourself that you have put forward all of these years. You are being watched; from those above and those below. They are watching you very carefully to see how you come out of this challenge; a serious challenge, yes, but not necessarily deadly. Remember: you still call the shots about when to stay and when to leave; and what to do while you are here; about the quality of your journey; who you are and how you behave. Ask yourself: do I really want to stay here? What do I truly want in my heart?

Toni:

My health back! My strength! My strong, beautiful body! To be whole! Disease-free!

Reflections:

I am a spiritual warrior. One who has a mission and is committed to that mission regardless of what obstacles may appear. And what is my mission? The fulfillment of my Soul’s purpose for being here-now.

I now commit myself with discipline to find my new path; to complete this transformation and to fulfill my Soul’s function and purpose this lifetime. And I can only know and express that by exploring the deepest and tiniest desires of my heart.

I now ride the rushing waves of my life! Living fully from every CHAKRA; even the first and second! I am ready to know myself again as a sexual being. I am willing to let go of old paradigms of which I am probably not even aware and within which I am still living. I release my past. I step out of the box and am ready to jump into the void—the unknown which will lead to freedom, joy, health, abundance and love…love…love!

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