such a mystery…
unfolding from the
For more of Toni Roberts’ artwork and photography, visit:
how everything in life becomes
clear…unconfused…simple…and quite evident
just like the breath…
in and out…
in and out…
one becomes an
Am learning to give this life I call “mine” back to Life: it’s rightful “Owner”
for this sense of peace, safety, love, security, assurance
which arises from a place
deep within The Mystery…
assuring me that all is well…
that You now flow freely…unobstructed in, as and through me…
as the True Author of this
called the life of Toni Roberts…
I now see shape and purpose
in the daily unfolding of a journey
that began before the beginning of time...
I am re-membering what “i” came here knowing…
even then in the ignorant, pain-filled innocence
of childhood…adolescence…young adulthood…
even then I knew
at some deep
level of being…
the purpose of this journey…
I now understand:
it is through the of deep wounds
of the soul…
that Light passes through
and with that Light…
long held down…repressed by Fear
bubbling up to the surface of being…
a chaotic…badly constructed…and purposeless
Idiot’s Tale called human life on planet earth
the experience of
from the inside out…
I’ve been held house-prisoner for so many weeks this summer by the heat. Can’t take it. Yesterday was not as bad as it had been so I took advantage of being able to once again breathe outdoors, jumped on the express bus to Manhattan and headed to one of my most favorite places in the world: Central Park! Of course, with camera in-hand! Oh, the beauty of a day in Central Park. Made me feel grateful just to be alive and fortunate enough to have access to acres and acres of natural beauty just a bus ride away. It was a mini-vacation. Do enjoy my “vacation” photos!
Who needs to pack a bag, jump on plane and travel to distant shores with such peace and beauty as this, just a bus ride away? I was surprised at how few “inner city” New Yorkers take advantage of the Park.
Even the tunnels are exquisite works of art!
Looking east above the trees at the Fifth Avenue skyline…the beauty of it takes one’s breath…
Belvedere Castle set against the bluest, clearest most beautiful background “painted” by the Master!
You can see more photographs from my day in Central Park at http://www.rightstockphotos.com/view_photog.php?photogid=15
Journal Entry: July 25, 2011
Hard Lessons of This Path I’ve Chosen to Tread
I find myself at a place of great struggle to continue to submit my human will to Divine Will or the Will of Something that is greater than my needy, greedy, fearful, and filled with earthly desires human will. It ain’t easy! But then, “they” say if the Path were easy, more would tread it—or something like that. This Path I’ve chosen is one of isolation, fear and doubt yet Something keeps me pushing forward towards the Light. There is now present an inner certainty that has moved beyond mere belief into a deep visceral knowing.
I am learning to use consciousness—my mind—my thinking, reasoning capabilities. That has been my major weak point. I have always moved directly from the realm of emotions and feelings into action. God-forbid my allowing my mind or powers of reasoning to intervene. I now find myself able to maintain that state of Divine Tension: that period of extreme discomfort while waiting in the void; in the emptiness and uncertainty that precedes acting from the highest wisdom and love.
I find myself somewhat of a participating observer in what is still—surprisingly—very much my life. In fact, this changing life that I am living becomes daily more of a reflection of my deepest heart and will. I am increasingly more able to release everyday concerns and fears; to release this beingness that I am to the in-breath—the inhalation of Life—and then allowing—the out-breath—the exhalation to become the forms, events and experiences of everyday existence.
I am having to accept that I am not in charge of what is being created through my human beingness. Nor am I in a position to see—to even guess the who? When? Why? Where? And how? of the path unfolding before me. I tread a path of patience, perseverance and continued learning at the inner Altar of Knowledge.
I am finding that this great Purpose which moves me to action is of far greater importance in the overall scheme of things than my individual plans, needs and desires. I am devoted to this Purpose, this Calling of mind/Mind, heart/Heart and will/Will to a higher vibratory level of being. I will follow It in the midst of all and any human circumstances, challenges and difficulties. The glamour of the third dimension is losing its allure. I stand at the brink of a new way of being human.
“Conversations with God,” II: Journal Entries—10/12/07 – 10/14/07
You know what, God; all of this cancer information is a bit much. It’s as if everyone is afraid of cancer. Like it’s this BIG SCARY THING. I am not afraid of it. I think I’m more afraid of putting chemicals in my body but then everyone has me spooked about what will happen to me if I don’t! What do I do, Lord?
I know in the end I will follow my own heart. If I take chemo, it will be a fear-based decision. But I’m afraid not to take it. What should I do, Lord? All things being what they are, what makes best sense? But I actually don’t know how things really are. I only know what they appear to be. And we are told to ignore appearances, for appearances or physical reality is but a reflection, a three-dimensional representation of the beliefs, emotions, etc., that we hold in consciousness…What say You?
Immediate Inner Response:
At this moment, TR, you do not have the decision to make. It is not time yet. You will see Dr. S. on Monday and he will give you the facts from his viewpoint or perspective. You will make decisions as you go along, remembering that chemo will not kill you if it’s not your time to go; and believe me, child, you still have much left to do in this lifetime. Fear not! Just continue enjoying each and every day of your life as you are doing now. Do not worry about tomorrow. Stay in the NOW—in the present. Make decisions as the time for making them unfolds before you.
What do I really, really want?
The direction and tutelage of my Divine Soul; to no longer live by the decisions of my mind-personality-ego but to permit my life to unfold day by day, step by step from that inner place of knowing; knowing that all of my needs are met even before I am aware of what they are.
Phew! Overdid it again. Boy do I overestimate my physical strength. Bought too many things; the bags were too heavy; won’t do that again. There is a huge difference between walking around your apartment and walking in the street and shopping and carrying a load of groceries home. From now on I will limit my outdoor trips to the bench where I’ll sit in the sunshine!
Feeling so sad. Lonely. Down. Bored. Woman here—the aide. She’s done all of her work already; in just 1 ½ hours. She now has another 1 ½ hour to go. Wish she could leave early so that I could be alone for the rest of the day. But she has to “clock-out” by telephone; won’t get paid for the three hours if she doesn’t put the time in. And so, I have to baby sit the home health aide.
When did the sadness begin? It was right after I spoke to R and J. J had R call me from the park. He had told her that I had undergone surgery. I only confirmed to her that it was serious, that I was healing but wouldn’t be back to drumming until next summer. That made me sad. I so miss drumming in the park.
Also felt low when I got back from shopping earlier and had to come to terms with the reality of my physical condition; had to accept the fact that recovery and healing will be a slow process; that Speedo Toni has to slow down.
What am I to be doing while my body is healing, God?
Immediate Inner Response:
Understand that this is a long journey. You will not be healed and up and about and running the streets in a month or even in two or three months. This is a process. And you have been stilled despite yourself. You understand that the stillness that is required of you now, could not have been achieved without something major knocking you down and putting you out of the game. You would not have just stopped on your own. I know it and you know it. So, be still, my love. Allow your own divine soul, the Christ Part of you that is ME to finally emerge from the place where you, the ego-personality, has kept it hidden away; in the background, following the ego-leader, round and round on that merry-go-round of a life that you’ve been living since listening to your father and that psychiatrist when your daughter was still but an infant.
You must journey all the way back to that fork in the road and meet up with that young woman again. You are now free; no children; no pets; nothing but your life stretched out ahead of you; years and years more of life, a whole new lifetime before you, in which to do it over again; to do what your soul came to do before it was so thoroughly conditioned by family, racial group, society, peers…
Who are you, really? Where and how do you want to spend the rest of your life? You have more time left now than you’ve already spent from that time at the fork in the road. Go back there. Find that young woman. This time, follow her and not your father and the psychiatrist.
Slow down. You have plenty of time. Slow down. There is no rush.
And so, today I put forth the container of my self-Self to be filled and I let my Divine mission unfold before me.
Declaration of Intention- 10/14/07; Sunday, 4:52 p.m.:
I intend to find and connect with my Soul; the Essential Self that came to this flesh body to serve a unique function as part of the Godhead on earth during this lifetime. I intend to reach back in time and touch that Soul when She/It was clear; before She/It made decisions that were very much conditioned by family, society—the world. I return to a time before the decision was made to take the path that led to this moment: breast cancer-mastectomy-reconstructive surgery-laid-up-for-months-recovery, recuperation and the resultant creation of a new self.
I intend to surrender this life, the remainder of it, to the guidance, leadership and direction of my own Divine Soul-Goddess Self who came to do something that can only be done by the Soul that inhabits the body of this entity called Toni Roberts. Așe.
So be it on this 14th day of October in the year 2007.
My “Conversations with God” October 5, – October 8, 2007
Looking at Oprah. Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of Eat, Pray, Love is being interviewed. I am feeling very jealous; but knowing that it is now that I must truly turn to God for answers for I KNOW NOT WHAT TO DO. Am very frightened re prospect of chemotherapy.
What do I do, my God? Please direct me. Thank You.
Immediate Inner Response:
This, my dear is the beginning of the real journey. Jimmy (my dead father!) will deliver the vehicle you will ride inward to the Voice and Wisdom of the Divine. All answers—your way will unfold. And without thinking or planning or even knowing, you will find that way—your way—unfolding as you place one foot before the other and walk through your life.
And so, God, what am I supposed to do with this day? What is it You would have me do with this day of my life? What function? What purpose?
Immediate Inner Response:
The function and purpose of your life each day, my dear one, is to live it. Not from some pre-ordained, pre-arranged “Plan” set in heaven or in earth but to live moment by moment from the truth of your heart. That is the purpose, the function of any life.
Even I do not know what you will do, how you will live in the next second of your life. For what would be the role, the function of FREE WILL if all was already set in stone by ME or any other being?
So, instead of looking for a pre-known plan for each moment of my life, I will let it unfold as it will; paying strict attention to my own heart; my own desires; and stop trying to sublimate my desires to live the Buddhist Way; denying my desires because I believe them too carnal—too low-CHAKRA; not lofty enough for such a spiritually evolved being as I.
What do I really, really, really want today? Well, at this moment…a peaceful day of doing absolutely nothing. To be alone with my Self in a clean apartment without the woman being here to clean it. Peace. Solitude. Maybe just Y. (my niece visiting from out of town) coming over to talk and visit with me.
Did get a day alone. Well there was the visit from my friend, C. and J., the aide—but other than those two—alone—and came face to face with two of the seemingly many saboteurs who hide out within: Lady Vanity and Spoiled Child, who was actually getting into a snitch about Y., B. and G. going to my mother’s house and not coming over here. Spoiled Child “performed” for D. and the nurse, who both immediately put me in my selfish, self-centered, spoiled child place.
God, how do I trust myself? How do I know when it is the Self or just one of the many destructive, inner saboteurs running the show? How do I know the difference?
Immediate Inner Response:
You know by the consequences.
That’s not satisfactory. I want to avoid bad consequences by not performing the behavior that results in bad circumstances.
Immediate Inner Response:
When you feel the way you felt today; all irrationally emotional and not loved; like a neglected, unloved, abandoned child in face of the reality to the contrary; when you feel the way you did as a child—then you will know.
Well, what kind of day shall this be? Quiet? Pensive? Introspective? You know, God, I don’t know that I really know myself. I wonder…like Spoiled Child who threw a major tantrum yesterday because she was not the center of attention. Although in her heart, she didn’t truly want all of that company, she really expected her brother to go pick up her mother—her 87 year old mother who has been through carpal tunnel surgery, cataract surgery, two knee replacements, three heart attacks; open heart surgery; a mastectomy, a lumpectomy, radiation treatments and is who is on Tamoxifen and dozens of other drugs for-the-rest-of-her-life-mother—and bring all of them over here to Spoiled Child’s house.
Boy, I shocked and disappointed my friend, C. and of course, D., was thoroughly disgusted with me when I related the whole tale to them. Wow. It wasn’t until C. said what she said to me that I was able to look at myself and see what and who she and D. were seeing. Am I always so self-involved and self-centered? Probably.
Please help me to see myself as others see me; to see my behavior; to not let Spoiled Child and Lady Vanity run my life. Thank You. Is there anything You have to say to me this morning, God, which will perhaps cause this to be a better day? Any guidance? Direction?
Immediate Inner Response:
Stay awake. Don’t go back to sleep. Especially be very aware—attentive to your emotions. Remember how you felt when you had your Spoiled Child meltdown yesterday—the emotional pain, the anger, the feelings that they (your family) didn’t love you and that you, therefore, didn’t care about them; that you would just cross them out of your life. Ask yourself: when did you used to feel like that? When did you experience those same emotions? When you were a child! When you were not getting love in the way you needed it. When you feel that way now, it is a signal that—not so much the spoiled child—but the hurt, wounded, emotionally neglected and abandoned child has come back up to the surface of the personality, and is getting ready to run the show from her hurt, pain and wounds.
It is then time for you to remember, you are not that child any longer. You are very loved and respected by your brother, mother and especially by your nieces. They think that you are the greatest!
It is time for you to live up to the high image of yourself that you have put forward all of these years. You are being watched; from those above and those below. They are watching you very carefully to see how you come out of this challenge; a serious challenge, yes, but not necessarily deadly. Remember: you still call the shots about when to stay and when to leave; and what to do while you are here; about the quality of your journey; who you are and how you behave. Ask yourself: do I really want to stay here? What do I truly want in my heart?
My health back! My strength! My strong, beautiful body! To be whole! Disease-free!
I am a spiritual warrior. One who has a mission and is committed to that mission regardless of what obstacles may appear. And what is my mission? The fulfillment of my Soul’s purpose for being here-now.
I now commit myself with discipline to find my new path; to complete this transformation and to fulfill my Soul’s function and purpose this lifetime. And I can only know and express that by exploring the deepest and tiniest desires of my heart.
I now ride the rushing waves of my life! Living fully from every CHAKRA; even the first and second! I am ready to know myself again as a sexual being. I am willing to let go of old paradigms of which I am probably not even aware and within which I am still living. I release my past. I step out of the box and am ready to jump into the void—the unknown which will lead to freedom, joy, health, abundance and love…love…love!
I am Isis. I am Great Bear. I am Panther. I am Turtle. I am Horus. I am that I am. I am Yahweh.
As my ego personality steps aside, God moves in, as and through this body bringing it into balance. Homeostasis is restored. I am whole. I am well. I am healed. All aspects of my life are healed and restored to their original divine purpose. I am divinely used to bring peace, healing and blessings to my world.
I do without doing and everything gets done.
Ready or not–it’s chemo day! Saying my prayer over and over; repeating my mantrum: I AM ISIS-GREAT BEAR-PANTHER-TURTLE-HORUS…I AM THAT I AM…
Allowing the Goddess within along with my totem animals to take over and direct this healing process.
Stay out of the way, Toni. It’s important to keep FEAR from interfering with the Great Work taking place within the confines of this physical body. Know that God is in charge.
Focus on securing freelance assignments.
I notice that I become antsy and impatient when the action stops; when there is a lull–a time of waiting.
I must learn to lean into these moments of quiet waiting with gratitude, for these are my moments of healing. Like the ebb and flow of the river below, its tide rolling in and out; inflow-outflow; action-inaction; movement-rest. This is my time to rejuvenate; to accumulate the energy it will take to travel back and forth to Greenwich, CT; to sit with the chemo drip for three hours. This is the time I need to allow the drugs, Isis and God to do Their work on mind, body and soul.
All is in God’s Time. I must remember that and stop trying to push the river…just let it flow, Toni, just let it flow…
But doubt creeps in; must let go, get back to faith and trust in God-Isis within; trust in this process…this journey. It is divinely-directed and I must fear not.