one woman's journey to wholeness…

Archive for the ‘chemo’ Category

Journal Entry: July 12, 2011

looking through a different window


Been away from blogging for a while. Busy living…thinking…contemplating my navel—learning and growing…I hope…

Decided to fast-forward re the cancer “event.” Yes, that was exactly what it turned out to be: an event—an opportunity for me to learn about who I am and why I’m here—an occasion for growth. And so, I stopped the chemo, chose life and turned within to what I call Divine Intelligence…a loving God…Spirit…and asked to be directed. There immediately followed radio announcements, chance conversations and unexpected visitors all bringing me exactly what I needed at the very moment of that need. And since that decisive day in early 2008 to this twelfth day of July, 2011, I have enjoyed the fullness of radiant health.

I’m not really sure of the direction that this Blog will now take. It is no longer up to me for I have fully and finally turned my gaze from the past; and in the here-now have submitted—surrendered—the complete and total focus of my attention to that Inner Presence.

A page from this morning’s writings may clarify:

            …enough already! Let all of that crap go! It owns you. It is still alive and well living in, as, through you! Do not think upon the past. Whenever a thought pops into mind—along with its BAD FEELINGS, simply replace it with TRUTH! And what is truth?

  1. That the thoughts and feelings that I am now experiencing are creations of the frightened child—the part of me that believes that she is ALONE in this 3-D HELL with all of its boogey-men popping up here, then there, then here again—BOO! BOO! HA! GOTCHA!
  2.  That this same part of me believes that it is disconnected from the Source of its being; from this PHONOMENOM called “God,” The Creator, the All in all. She firmly believes that the events, situations and people popping up in her daily experience—all of these “negatives” that either frighten her or make her sad—are real. Indeed, they do constitute a “reality,” however, it is one that is created and recreated by the constant focus of her mind, attention and belief upon them. It is my own mental energy keeping the boogey-men of my life alive and in place! Somewhat like walking in place and going nowhere.
  3.  BUT—simultaneously—there exists another “world,” so to speak, another Reality. The Real Reality—a TOTALLY DIFERENT HERE-NOW that exists in the same Time Space in which my human consciousness exists. And if “i” step aside and allow It—this Super Self—Christ Self to take over the direction of the Entity of which “i” am a part, It will unfold a new Reality: a Heaven on earth; in, as and through me: the “i,” Its vehicle.

It’s the same old story—the same old choice: Heaven or Earth; God or the mammon? Earth and the mammon being the creations of the “i. Versus La Diosa Crista adentro, the Christ within Who will take the oars of this “boat,” if permitted, and row it in a direction that the “i” did not chose; into areas that are yet unformed; unseen and unimaginable from the vantage point of the “i.” .

It is simply time for me to turn from contemplation of the past and begin honoring my imagination and creativity right here-now in the present; allowing my life…my very breath to flow not from the “i” but from the Center of my being where dwells That Which Breathes All into Reality…

“Conversations with God” II 10/12-14/07

time for deep communing...

“Conversations with God,” II: Journal Entries—10/12/07 – 10/14/07



You know what, God; all of this cancer information is a bit much. It’s as if everyone is afraid of cancer. Like it’s this BIG SCARY THING. I am not afraid of it. I think I’m more afraid of putting chemicals in my body but then everyone has me spooked about what will happen to me if I don’t! What do I do, Lord?

I know in the end I will follow my own heart. If I take chemo, it will be a fear-based decision. But I’m afraid not to take it. What should I do, Lord? All things being what they are, what makes best sense? But I actually don’t know how things really are. I only know what they appear to be. And we are told to ignore appearances, for appearances or physical reality is but a reflection, a three-dimensional representation of the beliefs, emotions, etc., that we hold in consciousness…What say You?

Immediate Inner Response:

At this moment, TR, you do not have the decision to make. It is not time yet. You will see Dr. S. on Monday and he will give you the facts from his viewpoint or perspective. You will make decisions as you go along, remembering that chemo will not kill you if it’s not your time to go; and believe me, child, you still have much left to do in this lifetime. Fear not! Just continue enjoying each and every day of your life as you are doing now. Do not worry about tomorrow. Stay in the NOW—in the present. Make decisions as the time for making them unfolds before you.



What do I really, really want?

The direction and tutelage of my Divine Soul; to no longer live by the decisions of my mind-personality-ego but to permit my life to unfold day by day, step by step from that inner place of knowing; knowing that all of my needs are met even before I am aware of what they are.

1:43 p.m.

Phew! Overdid it again. Boy do I overestimate my physical strength. Bought too many things; the bags were too heavy; won’t do that again. There is a huge difference between walking around your apartment and walking in the street and shopping and carrying a load of groceries home. From now on I will limit my outdoor trips to the bench where I’ll sit in the sunshine!

4:10 p.m.

Feeling so sad. Lonely. Down. Bored. Woman here—the aide. She’s done all of her work already; in just 1 ½ hours. She now has another 1 ½ hour to go. Wish she could leave early so that I could be alone for the rest of the day. But she has to “clock-out” by telephone; won’t get paid for the three hours if she doesn’t put the time in. And so, I have to baby sit the home health aide.

When did the sadness begin? It was right after I spoke to R and J. J had R call me from the park. He had told her that I had undergone surgery. I only confirmed to her that it was serious, that I was healing but wouldn’t be back to drumming until next summer. That made me sad. I so miss drumming in the park.

Also felt low when I got back from shopping earlier and had to come to terms with the reality of my physical condition; had to accept the fact that recovery and healing will be a slow process; that Speedo Toni has to slow down.

What am I to be doing while my body is healing, God?

Immediate Inner Response:

Understand that this is a long journey. You will not be healed and up and about and running the streets in a month or even in two or three months. This is a process. And you have been stilled despite yourself. You understand that the stillness that is required of you now, could not have been achieved without something major knocking you down and putting you out of the game. You would not have just stopped on your own. I know it and you know it. So, be still, my love. Allow your own divine soul, the Christ Part of you that is ME to finally emerge from the place where you, the ego-personality, has kept it hidden away; in the background, following the ego-leader, round and round on that merry-go-round of a life that you’ve been living since listening to your father and that psychiatrist when your daughter was still but an infant.

You must journey all the way back to that fork in the road and meet up with that young woman again. You are now free; no children; no pets; nothing but your life stretched out ahead of you; years and years more of life, a whole new lifetime before you, in which to do it over again; to do what your soul came to do before it was so thoroughly conditioned by family, racial group, society, peers…

Who are you, really? Where and how do you want to spend the rest of your life? You have more time left now than you’ve already spent from that time at the fork in the road. Go back there. Find that young woman. This time, follow her and not your father and the psychiatrist.

Slow down. You have plenty of time. Slow down. There is no rush.


And so, today I put forth the container of my self-Self to be filled and I let my Divine mission unfold before me.

Declaration of Intention- 10/14/07; Sunday, 4:52 p.m.:

I intend to find and connect with my Soul; the Essential Self that came to this flesh body to serve a unique function as part of the Godhead on earth during this lifetime. I intend to reach back in time and touch that Soul when She/It was clear; before She/It made decisions that were very much conditioned by family, society—the world. I return to a time before the decision was made to take the path that led to this moment: breast cancer-mastectomy-reconstructive surgery-laid-up-for-months-recovery, recuperation and the resultant creation of a new self.

I intend to surrender this life, the remainder of it, to the guidance, leadership and direction of my own Divine Soul-Goddess Self who came to do something that can only be done by the Soul that inhabits the body of this entity called Toni Roberts. Așe.

So be it on this 14th day of October in the year 2007.

My “Conversations with God” Oct. 5 – 8, 2007

all's right in the world...

My “Conversations with God” October 5, – October 8, 2007


4:24 PM

Looking at Oprah. Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of Eat, Pray, Love is being interviewed. I am feeling very jealous; but knowing that it is now that I must truly turn to God for answers for I KNOW NOT WHAT TO DO. Am very frightened re prospect of chemotherapy.

What do I do, my God? Please direct me. Thank You.

Immediate Inner Response:

This, my dear is the beginning of the real journey. Jimmy (my dead father!) will deliver the vehicle you will ride inward to the Voice and Wisdom of the Divine. All answers—your way will unfold. And without thinking or planning or even knowing, you will find that way—your way—unfolding as you place one foot before the other and walk through your life.


8:25 AM


And so, God, what am I supposed to do with this day? What is it You would have me do with this day of my life? What function? What purpose?

Immediate Inner Response:

The function and purpose of your life each day, my dear one, is to live it. Not from some pre-ordained, pre-arranged “Plan” set in heaven or in earth but to live moment by moment from the truth of your heart. That is the purpose, the function of any life.

Even I do not know what you will do, how you will live in the next second of your life. For what would be the role, the function of FREE WILL if all was already set in stone by ME or any other being?


So, instead of looking for a pre-known plan for each moment of my life, I will let it unfold as it will; paying strict attention to my own heart; my own desires; and stop trying to sublimate my desires to live the Buddhist Way; denying my desires because I believe them too carnal—too low-CHAKRA; not lofty enough for such a spiritually evolved being as I.



What do I really, really, really want today? Well, at this moment…a peaceful day of doing absolutely nothing. To be alone with my Self in a clean apartment without the woman being here to clean it. Peace. Solitude. Maybe just Y. (my niece visiting from out of town) coming over to talk and visit with me.


Did get a day alone. Well there was the visit from my friend, C. and J., the aide—but other than those two—alone—and came face to face with two of the seemingly many saboteurs who hide out within: Lady Vanity and Spoiled Child, who was actually getting into a snitch about Y., B. and G. going to my mother’s house and not coming over here. Spoiled Child “performed” for D. and the nurse, who both immediately put me in my selfish, self-centered, spoiled child place.


God, how do I trust myself? How do I know when it is the Self or just one of the many destructive, inner saboteurs running the show? How do I know the difference?

Immediate Inner Response:

You know by the consequences.


That’s not satisfactory. I want to avoid bad consequences by not performing the behavior that results in bad circumstances.

Immediate Inner Response:

When you feel the way you felt today; all irrationally emotional and not loved; like a neglected, unloved, abandoned child in face of the reality to the contrary; when you feel the way you did as a child—then you will know.


Well, what kind of day shall this be? Quiet? Pensive? Introspective? You know, God, I don’t know that I really know myself. I wonder…like Spoiled Child who threw a major tantrum yesterday because she was not the center of attention. Although in her heart, she didn’t truly want all of that company, she really expected her brother to go pick up her mother—her 87 year old mother who has been through carpal tunnel surgery, cataract surgery, two knee replacements, three heart attacks; open heart surgery; a mastectomy, a lumpectomy, radiation treatments and is who is on Tamoxifen and dozens of other drugs for-the-rest-of-her-life-mother—and bring all of them over here to Spoiled Child’s house.

Boy, I shocked and disappointed my friend, C. and of course, D., was thoroughly disgusted with me when I related the whole tale to them. Wow. It wasn’t until C. said what she said to me that I was able to look at myself and see what and who she and D. were seeing. Am I always so self-involved and self-centered? Probably.

Please help me to see myself as others see me; to see my behavior; to not let Spoiled Child and Lady Vanity run my life. Thank You. Is there anything You have to say to me this morning, God, which will perhaps cause this to be a better day? Any guidance? Direction?

Immediate Inner Response:

Stay awake. Don’t go back to sleep. Especially be very aware—attentive to your emotions. Remember how you felt when you had your Spoiled Child meltdown yesterday—the emotional pain, the anger, the feelings that they (your family) didn’t love you and that you, therefore, didn’t care about them; that you would just cross them out of your life. Ask yourself: when did you used to feel like that? When did you experience those same emotions? When you were a child! When you were not getting love in the way you needed it. When you feel that way now, it is a signal that—not so much the spoiled child—but the hurt, wounded, emotionally neglected and abandoned child has come back up to the surface of the personality, and is getting ready to run the show from her hurt, pain and wounds.

It is then time for you to remember, you are not that child any longer. You are very loved and respected by your brother, mother and especially by your nieces. They think that you are the greatest!

It is time for you to live up to the high image of yourself that you have put forward all of these years. You are being watched; from those above and those below. They are watching you very carefully to see how you come out of this challenge; a serious challenge, yes, but not necessarily deadly. Remember: you still call the shots about when to stay and when to leave; and what to do while you are here; about the quality of your journey; who you are and how you behave. Ask yourself: do I really want to stay here? What do I truly want in my heart?


My health back! My strength! My strong, beautiful body! To be whole! Disease-free!


I am a spiritual warrior. One who has a mission and is committed to that mission regardless of what obstacles may appear. And what is my mission? The fulfillment of my Soul’s purpose for being here-now.

I now commit myself with discipline to find my new path; to complete this transformation and to fulfill my Soul’s function and purpose this lifetime. And I can only know and express that by exploring the deepest and tiniest desires of my heart.

I now ride the rushing waves of my life! Living fully from every CHAKRA; even the first and second! I am ready to know myself again as a sexual being. I am willing to let go of old paradigms of which I am probably not even aware and within which I am still living. I release my past. I step out of the box and am ready to jump into the void—the unknown which will lead to freedom, joy, health, abundance and love…love…love!

Journal Entries: August 2007 thru September 2007

promise of spring

Journal Entries: August 2007 – September 2007



I am God’s beloved and my Mother-Father Creator would not have me, a beloved divine child, scratch dirt for survival and denied the pleasures of earthly fleshly existence. Is that not why I came? To be joyous? To joyously co-create? So, this day I put into practice who and what I am and use my creative abilities to bring joy to myself and perhaps one day to others.

Today’s plan: to get all of my collages out of storage and begin the photographing process. This will be fun for me. No, I have no short or long range goals. All I know is that I am an artist—a creator—and I am going back to being what I am: a creator—an artist—a writer. I trust that as I proceed, I will be blessed with an abundance of ideas and provided all that I need to bring them to fruition.

Oh! Took my first day of pre-op nutrients; also will take the enzymes, probiotics, CoQ10 and Omega 3 fish oil. That completes my nutritional regimen for now; have post-op nutrients ready for after the surgery; will take them to hospital with me and start right away.


Have all of my artwork out of the storage closet. My pre-test is scheduled for 10:00 a.m. Will treat myself to breakfast at my favorite place afterwards. Have only $8 left in checking account and very little cash but going to treat myself good and just believe that I will be prospered with all that is needed as I need it.

Funny, yesterday I was lonely, today I am perfectly fine being alone. My artwork is mostly awesome and was good company for me today. I’ve begun photographing my work. Will take the camera instructions booklet with me to learn how to set camera to take larger images and how to change the ISO—will learn a little at a time until I’ve mastered the camera.

Have to catch the 8:30 a.m. express bus tomorrow; better set the alarm.



Up 6:25. I awoke long before the clock was set to go off; been awake since 4:30 a.m. Guess I’m anxious about the pre-test today. And my hip has been hurting so bad can barely walk. Why God? Why now? Who so severe? What is going on? I must keep this appointment. You have given me no reason not to go ahead with this mastectomy and reconstruction. So why this now? If I am not to proceed with the surgery, You will have to show me directly; so that it is clear to me. Even Dr. A (a well-known Manhattan alternative physician) agrees that a mastectomy is in order; and I have pretty much resigned myself to that reality. So what’s this now with the hip? Did I do this to myself with that giant slice of chocolate cheesecake that I finished off last night? It was terribly sweet—an overload of sugar. I will not do that again any time in the near future. I suspect now that it was the dessert perhaps combined with a lack of one of the nutrients I was getting in the Dr. Whitaker supplements I’ve stopped taking. I don’t know. Did take 6 bromelain tabs last evening but since I’m having bloodwork today can’t take any more. Only water.

Am going to push myself to walk. The hip will ease up after a while. Need to move it. Need to wear one of my beautiful healing necklaces. Took my probiotics and will take the rest of my pre-op supplements with breakfast at my cheap and delicious favorite restaurant on 3rd and 18th.


Well, pushed through the hip pain which has somewhat dissipated now but not gone. Went to my pre-test; went to breakfast; came home exhausted and headachy! Slept for about two hours; just ate chicken, veggies, a plum, a peach and a handful of raisins and walnuts for dessert. No more chocolate! No more sugar! Took two more bromelain with dinner; will continue taking it until the pain disappears. Will buy Arnica when I go back downtown on Friday. Will tell Dr. A about this hip pain and how it flared up after eating a rich, sugary dessert for three nights in a row. Hopefully the pre-op supplements are supplying the essentials that my body needs on a daily basis. Spoke to the compounding pharmacist at Gideon’s. They can mail the LDN (low dose naltrexone) to me whenever Dr. B. faxes the prescription to them. I won’t have to continue going down there once a month to pick it up.

Cried a bit; was thinking of Dr. S. (my breast surgeon) and asking him (in consciousness, not fact) to take care of me; both him and Dr. A. (the plastic surgeon doing the breast reconstruction). I am grateful. Thank You, God-Mother-Father for sending me the best. Since it appears that this procedure has to be done, I am at least in competent hands—no—more than competent—in experienced expert hands. The guy in admissions sang praises to them both and also mentioned a Dr. H. D, an oncologist to whom, he said, people travel from Italy and Canada and pay a lot of money to see. They do have excellent doctors at C. hospital and just think how serendipitously I wound up there.

9/22/07—Post Surgery


Phew! Wow! Am laying new foundations, for sure! Oh, Lord! I really have no words for this mastectomy and immediate tummy tuck/flap reconstruction. I could never have imagined myself in this condition. I am trying to meet each day in faith and grace as my body heals; which it is—day by day. The surgery was 9/10/07; 7 ½ hours long. I have been home for a week today. I saw Dr. A, the plastic surgeon, yesterday. He took the breast bandages off—“let it hang free,” he said, “get some air.” The real pain is where the drainage tubes are inside the body—in the wounds; and there is a terrible tightness and pulling in the entire abdominal area; there was muscle and nerve involvement in this under the skin flap surgery. I now have cadaver skin within my body holding organs in place. Can’t think about it anymore. The good thing is I was able to stop taking Percocet night before last; was using one a night just to get to sleep.

M. (psychotherapist) came Wednesday. We had a wonderful session. We’re on for next Wednesday. Got a call from D. she said that Helix is disbanding indefinitely. They will return my $25 deposit, so no fellowship to attend their four-year training program. And just as well, look at the condition I’m in now. I am convinced that the connection with them was for the divine purpose of getting me and M. together. We will be doing a shamanic journey on Wednesday; a “soul retrieval.” This is the beginning of my training; my initiation as a shaman; answered prayer; answered in a very strange way but I’ve been asking since when? 2003? 2004? To be made shaman. And M. says this is the wounding out of which all shamans are formed.

I wonder…I have Alberto Villoldo’s literature in my Creation Box. Is that where I shall ultimately study? Be initiated? With los indios in South America? Somehow that culture feels more comfortable to me than the Yoruba-Ibo-Nigerian culture. Sí, soy Africana pero soy Latina también—at least in my heart and soul.

And so, day by day, I try to do a bit more. The healing process is not as speedy as Speedo Toni would like it to be. But I am learning patience; learning that I cannot push the river and am not in charge of this situation or any other! I am a servant; and an increasingly more obedient one as I continue to surrender to whatever Divine Will is in all of this cancer, surgery and upcoming chemotherapy. Dr. S. took out 14 (=5, the number of change) lymph nodes, 7 were infected with cancer cells and 7 (the sacred number) were clean…so you go figure…

My adamant stance: no chemo! Chemo kills! I will not do chemo! Let me find a suicide assisting physician!—lasted all of three minutes. I then took full responsibility for the cancer ever reaching 7 of the nodes. Perhaps if I had followed Dr. S.’s advice in April 2006, when the cancer was first diagnosed, it would have been contained in the breast. But then, who is to say? Maybe the year of alternative treatments kept it from spreading even further than the 7 infected nodes. Who really knows? God is still with me. I have many dreams for the future and the “fat lady has not yet sung!”

Smell bacon. Someone cooking breakfast. Why do I smell it here in the bedroom? When the nurse leaves, I will probably make my “witch’s brew;” simmer my tea

Time to start reading 2012. I have to prepare for my future. I still have to rewrite my novel from a GSA (Genetic Sexual Attraction) standpoint. Maybe in the flashbacks when Sara is telling Mattie (characters in novel-in-progress) about her past…? It’s all in God’s Hands! Love me. Guide me. Keep me. Protect me. Tx! Așe!


Feeling a lot better. Last night I listened to the Heal Your Body CD that Dr. W. (a doctor of Chinese medicine and acupuncture) recommended in addition to one of the Remote Viewing cassettes that M. gave me last year. How I miss my astral travelling buddy. Maybe he’ll reappear in my life one day. I did ultimately have to take a Percocet. That did it! Slept from about 11:00 PM to 9:00 AM! After those healing light exercise and the long sleep my body actually feels better. Had oatmeal and flaxseed, juice with a full teaspoon of vitamin C powder and two tablespoons of sunflower seeds for breakfast.

Told E. yesterday that I am ready to open my heart to love; to love, not those sex-addicted, dysfunctional relationships of my past. Don’t know where to start so I’ll start with God. Yes. I am ready for someone to love and with whom I can share my life, my self, my being; with all the joys, sorrows, successes, ups and downs inherent in this journey. I will continue with this healing, doing my meditations as frequently as I can during the day…Tx and Așe I thank You for wisdom, understanding and improved health day by day.


Up early; only real pain is where the tubes come into the body on the upper right side. The belly area is steadily improving. The bowels, thank God, are open now that I’ve stopped the Percocet. Had blueberries, flaxseed, yogurt and bananas for supper. Have chicken stew cooked for today. As much as I appreciate God’s Love We Deliver, I will be cooking my own meals. Like my mother, I prefer my own cooking, thank you. Plus, I must stay on an organic diet.

Will try to remain in a healing/meditative state today—stay in the Light. Thank You for improvement each day. Soon I will be up and about my business.


8:00 a.m., up earlier and earlier! Got good sleep but again had to take a Percocet. Am standing up a bit straighter. Was concerned that the belly was so tight that it was difficult to stand up straight so I did the “Light Bath;” moved it through my body several times. Got to rev this healing up a bit; only gave myself 4 weeks to get over this and begin phasing in some of my regular activities like walking in the fresh air! Or maybe returning to the park on Saturdays to be near the drumming if not actually drumming myself.


Did not have to take a Percocet and slept from 6:30 p.m. to 8:00 a.m. Good sleep despite the pulling across abdomen and side. Still can’t straighten my back. Am walking with my body bent almost in half; leaning on my tree branch walking stick like an ancient African Elder. But healing is taking place.

It’s a good thing M. (psychotherapist) is coming today. I am low-spirited despite the intense meditations. Will continue to just empty myself and let God—the DivineHoly SpiritWhatever…fill me with all that I need in order to fulfill my holy function; my raison d’être—my purpose in being here-now.

I am so emptied. But there is nothing I can do even if I wanted to. I don’t have the inclination or the interest—so I am letting everything go—everything—and taking one day at a time. Will not let anything bother me. Will discuss every disturbance that does creep in with my therapist. For now, I am perfectly content leaving it all to the Gods; to Whatever It is to which I am so connected; to that which orders my life. I feel the connection. I know that I am connected and at a very basic level, I don’t really care about this cancer thing! What’s really bugging me is the fact that I’ve read about the advances in energy medicine and how by 2012, they will be healing diseases energetically. And that’s only five years from now. I’m pissed that here I am with cancer in 2007, having to undergo these primitive and barbaric tools of present day medical practice!! But what’s the sense in bitching and moaning about it? It is what it is.

Anyhoo, TR, as quiet as it’s kept, you may not have lived to 2012, without this blow to the side of your head with a two-by-four! I’d take bets that the Universe knew exactly how to wake up your stubborn butt to your stuffstuff to which you’d otherwise not even give a passing glance.


Well, God, another day. More improvement. Feel better this morning than I did yesterday morning. Worked with the Light every time I awoke during the night. In my session with M. yesterday, she suggested I bring the Light down where I am instead of going outside of myself and floating up to the Light. She advised me to keep my focus on the body and on staying in the body. And so, I am reinforcing my relationship to my body; really got in touch with it in a loving way. What came up yesterday was that I was taking this wonderful body for granted not holding it in reverence. It too is holy. And although I fed it well and took care of its nutritional needs—kept poisons out of it—I never knew it or related to it in the way I related to it last night. I never before loved it and held it as sacred.

The pulling has lessened somewhat. The #4 tube and the JP drain fell out last night all by itself! The wound—the opening where it was has closed up on its own! The stitches by the side of the breast need to come out also and the other tube at the right side where he cut across my belly also needs to come out. My body is trying to push all of that foreign crap out of it. I can feel it. Still dealing with a lot of swelling under my arm and at the side of the new breast.

J. called this morning. I had told D. last night to tell him that he had kicked me to the curb! He said he is doing a lot of online research into the latest information about chemo, breast cancer, etc. He and D. want me to do exactly what the doctors tell me to do. Hmmm….don‘t know about that.

I do thank You for this experience. I know that it comes with many lessons. Help me, please, in learning them easily and in moving speedily into the fullness of health and youthful vigor. I remain in the Light.


New day! Hope without the last two JP Drains! Doctor’s appointment today. M.G. meeting me there to hold my hand through any pain. B. driving me.

Had a migraine yesterday. First in years. Took 2 Percocet. It’s pretty much gone now. Hope that Dr. S. calls me tonight. Will leave ringer on; try to stay up until 8 or 9; been going to bed at 5:00!

Pain in side. God be with me. Must keep myself in the Light.

B. called. He overslept but will be here before 11:00 to pick me up. Can’t pressure myself. Will get there when I get there and yes, it makes much more sense to have one’s doctors close to where one lives. If I have not heard from Dr. S. by this evening, I will leave another message on his voicemail. I know he’s busy and he knows I want to have a conversation, so I guess he’s waiting until he has time to talk.

Feel very drugged. Two Percocets are two too many. Will cut them out again. Suffer through pain and sleeplessness.


Got up around 11:00 a.m. to eat some yogurt and flaxseed with vitamin C. Had quite a meditative session with the tape last night; went to the exact place; felt wonderful. I will practice until I am always awake to my Spirit-Christ-Higher-Soul-Light-Self…letting It run this life, heal this body…do whatever!

The places where the tubes were are now itchy-stingy. Healing!

12:20 PM

The Nurse came and left. Very sweet woman, una Latina. She will be back tomorrow. I am going to take a nice, long nap now. Left an outgoing message on my machine: “TR is taking a nap; will return all calls when she wakes up!” I need sleep…more sleep…like a baby needs sleep…healing sleep…

6:00 PM

Talked to my sweet K. for at least an hour. Told her my cancer story. Glad to share it with her; glad to tell everyone. Tired of keeping it a secret. She’s going to give me information about an herbalist down there in New Mexico who may be able to recommend some herbs for me to start taking. Whatever. Whatever God sends, I accept. E. called. Said she was coming over would call when she was in the neighborhood. I then went and turned the ringers off and put my message back on: “I am napping. Will call back when I wake up!” Why couldn’t I just tell her that?


8:50 AM

Too shaky to shower today. Was feeling kind of lightheaded. Having lemon and water before breakfast. Was going to make a grilled cheese and bacon sandwich but think I’d better stick with hot oatmeal. Had eggs and bacon—organic—with grits yesterday. Think it’s time to go back to oatmeal with ground flaxseed and raisins. Am taking extra vitamin C with each meal.

So much dreaming; mostly forgotten; kept on cat-napping; waking up, falling back asleep with the tape going…

What is Your Will for me now, My Divine Soul? I am in the in-between place; no longer who or what I was and not yet reborn into the new form. What is it that is wanted from me? How do I serve? What is my purpose in being? My function? Who am I? What am I? What is my Work?

“What’s it all about, Alphie?!?”

Journal Entry: 12/20/07

Journal Entry: 12/20/07

Happy Birthday, Birthday Girl!

The day adds up to number 5—number of change. Hopefully this will be a day of change for the better. This is a new Bookjournal—for the first day of my new life! I will copy the notes from my last *I Ching reading: 1/2/17/07, to this journal—it indicates a change for the better for which I am so ready.

My truest birthday wishes:

  1. HEALTH! Fullness of health; to be disease-free; cancer-free; balanced; harmony of body-mind-spirit.
  2. WEALTH! An abundance of monetary blessings in an ever-increasing, never-ending flow from expected and unexpected sources.
  3. LOVE! Renewed relationships and a companion in love with whom to share my life from this day forward.
  4. FULFILLMENT OF MY SOUL’S FUNCTION AND PURPOSE—in service to and according to The Divine Plan. Full, conscious participation in my unique role in this here-now. Ever-increasing creative expression through my jewelry crafting, photography, writing, collage-making and any and all other means of expression that lie yet fallow, undiscovered and unexpressed by me.
  5. BLESSINGS AND ABUNDANCE in all things forever and ever!

My Birthday Prayer:

I live by God’s Grace and Divine Providence. I receive answers to all of my questions, challenges and dilemmas directly from the Godhead as I live this day in quiet peace and contentment. I am abundantly blessed in all things right here and now.

God, I ask You now and will wait to be shown the answer: Should I just go ahead with the chemo? Or is a study a better, safer choice? Please guide me in this for I am depending upon You, Mother-Father-God, Holy Mother Spirit and all of my Guides, Guards, Guardians, Orishas, Benevolent Spirits and Angels who surround me through this and all life challenges; guiding me safely through chaos and confusion to safety and fulfillment of my life’s mission here-now.

 Thank You. Așe.

And so, I start this day with a hot bowl of oatmeal. My belly needs warmth and nourishment as does my body and soul.

*I Ching Consultation from 12/17/07:

I seek to act in harmony with the energy, bearing and direction of the Cosmos and thus accomplish significant deeds instead of wasting my life away.

Question: What do I need to know/do now in order to be in harmony with the direction of the Cosmos? Thank You for a simple, easy-to-understand answer.

Hexagrams Drawn: #39, Obstacles changing into #46, Advancement/Pushing Upward

Changing Lines: 2 and 5

(See text for complete reading.)

5/9/11 Author’s Note: The I Ching or Book of Changes, like all oracles, is (to the best of my understanding and usage), a way of posing questions to one’s own Soul? Cosmic Intelligence? Essential Self? It provides a channel of communication and understanding from one’s inner world as regards one’s human existence. When approached with an open heart and mind, The I Ching provides exactly what one needs to know to advance one’s life in a way that is in harmony, balance and accordance with the Cosmos at that particular moment in time in which one throws the coins.

This author has received “right-on!” guidance and direction from The I Ching for the past thirty years. Highly recommended is the Richard Wilhelm Translation rendered into English by Gary F. Baynes; foreword by C.G. Jung; used in conjunction with The I Ching Workbook by R.L. Wing.

The author is pleased to answer questions regarding the use of the I Ching. Email inquiries to:

Journal Entries: 3/11/08-3/21/08

on a clear day you can see forever...

Journal Entries: 3/11/08 -3/21/08


Prayers for Healing

Give me all that I need this day to do God’s Work fully so that when all is said and done, I shall hear these words:”Well done my good and faithful servant.”

Quiet, Set! I hear you whispering in my ear. Let me not listen to your words of death and destruction…foolishness based on fear and unreality. Let my heart be quiet and filled with the loving assurance of The Indwelling God.

I let this day unfold from the inside out as Wholeness unfolding. The Indwelling Spirit of God is greater than cancer…greater than the effects of chemotherapy. God is in me, expressing as all that I am…flowing into the world through me to bless and heal myself and others.

Post Meditation Impressions

I believe that I am being “schooled” on the inner planes; set-up for the Work I came to do. The key is to stay in the consciousness of being divine; in the consciousness of being God/dess in the here-now; staying present—not a minute ago or a minute later—only NOW exists. There is no other time than this moment and everything happens in this NOW, this PRESENT. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow has not yet come. Yesterday and tomorrow do not exist. What exists is this moment in consciousness that we interpret as passing time: a human construct, not the Creator’s.


Listened to a Dr. Allan Hamilton, author of The Scalpel and the Soul, on Coast to Coast last night. There are no accidents in the entire universe. My inner Goddess-Self, my Guides and Ancestors are all here working with me now to make manifest my Soul’s purpose, the Work I came to the flesh to do at just this time in the human drama. All that has come before this moment in time has been the work of the ego; the desires of the personality. My destiny the purpose of the Soul is now unfolding; even the chemotherapy is part of my journey and I am protected and will live a long and hardy life. I must know that. I must trust, have faith and be devoted to the Divine part of my own being. My greatest learning now is non-resistance as in: “RESIST YE NOT!”

Whatever the appearances I accept, accept, accept. I keep on flowing like water—around, below, above the obstacles.

My Mantrum for this day:

Today, I keep my vision steadily focused on the realm beyond physical appearances and I see the blessings and healings from God unfold one by one in my here and now. I am whole. I am healed. I am abundant and prosperous. I do God’s Work. I am in complete surrender to the flow of God within me. This body is made whole and sound. Homeostasis is re-established. I work under the guidance and direction of God.


Woke up at 6:30. At 6:46 turned the radio on to see what the weather report was for the day. Heard the tail end of a commercial advertising: Natural Cures They Don’t Want You to Know About. Get your copy free. Wrote down the 800 number. Dialed it. Too long a wait. Hung up. Had to get ready for my workshop.

Later Entry:

What is this all about? Is this my Guides, Guardians telling me something? Just a week ago, my grandson said that he awoke in the wee hours and an advertorial was playing on the TV that was left on when he fell asleep. He said to me, “Nana, they said there are natural cures for cancer, and you don’t have to take chemotherapy.” Then there was that Email about Graviola. And now that Natural Cures book that grandson told me about coming up again this morning on the radio…?

I am supposed to begin adriamyacin on April 3rd. The portacath insertion has been postponed which may delay the start of the adriamyacin,  nicknamed the red devil. I know that God is working in, as and through all of this. And so, I will simply put one foot before the other today and get ready to go to my gig. If I have time, I will telephone and order the book. But maybe I’d better check my bookcases first—seems that I already have that book. At any rate, I will not ignore all of these “messages” that are coming to me.

Guide me well, Isis. Show me the difference between reality and unreality.

Later Entry:

Found a book in my bookcase by the same author: Kevin Trudeau, but not Natural Cures…that’s the one I must get. Will order it from the 800 number. Will buy some more low fat, organic cottage cheese and Barlean’s flaxseed oil on the way home and take it the way *Mary says I should take it. She shrunk her liver tumor! Will eat it for the rest of my life if necessary. Two times a day; can have if for breakfast and before bed snack.

Later Entry:

Ordered the Kevin Trudeau book, Natural Cures They Don’t Want You to Know About. $9.95 shipping and handling fees. What a rip-off! Four to six weeks for delivery.

*not real name


Went to bed at 7:30 or so. Long, good sleep. I needed it!

And so, today is the day I start the rewrite job for *Lila Scott. Am really looking forward to it; wondering if my inner child might enjoy rewriting children’s stories. Will bring her back in meditation today. But I definitely have to continue sending her to **Aunt Sara on the farm when I have to go for chemo or blood work. I’m much less fearful when she’s not around. ***Lydia was right.

Did not take the cat’s claw yet. Something’s telling me not to take it while I’m taking Coumadin; will have to ask ****Liz, the chemo nurse, tomorrow. Will start my marathon water drinking today. Am kind of eager to get started on my writing assignment. As soon as I finish my prayer and meditation session, I’ll begin.

Later Entry:

Well, did the first part of my book assignment. Not easy but I enjoyed it. Have not even gotten to the actual story yet. Worked for one and one half hours. Now taking a break. Will keep careful track of my time so I can total up the hours for billing at the end of this assignment.

Ready to walk my daily mile and then go buy some red pea soup at the Jamaican restaurant; will throw in some fresh organic spinach. Yum!

3/20/08-7:30 A.M.:

Treatment day! Going to stay in prayer and affirmation mode and drink plenty of water!

Prayer Request for the Day:

To have Liz find a FAT JUICY VEIN that gives itself up to her—to the needle—to the chemo treatment; with YOU, Yahweh, flowing through me along with the drugs, directing and regulating this healing process so that only the cancer cells are gotten rid of and all of my organs and body systems are left intact, healthy and functioning as they were designed by YOU to function. I am in homeostasis now and forever. I am healed and whole. Thank YOU, my Creator and ever present Guides and Guardians. I trust in YOU. All that I need is added unto me now.

*not real name

**fictional character in my novel

***psycho-therapist not real name

****not real name

Home from Chemo:

All is well. Was able to meditate while the chemo was dripping into the vein, spreading through my body. Liz did, in fact, find a fat one that gave itself up readily to her and to the needle. Thank God, the portacath will be reinserted next week.

Will finish my thirty-two ounces of mangosteen now and then just relax; rest; rub some castor oil on hips and thighs where I ache; and on the liver area with a heating pad. Now to rest and pray.

3/21/08—The Day After Chemo:

I will let this day unfold according to Divine Will; letting God guide each foot, each thought, each word, each action as I move prayerfully through this day.

I am healed. I am whole. I let the manifestation of my healing unfold according to God’s Grace as I pick up my life where I left off on Wednesday. Thank You for a day of success yesterday. Thank You for the ease with which Liz found and entered the vein. Thank You for keeping it viable during the entire chemo session from 11:00 to 3:00! Thank you for the strength you provided to get me through a very long and wearisome day.

Thank you.

Journal Entry: 4/26/11

watching the river flow

Journal Entry: 4/26/11

I was reviewing an old journal entry from March 5, 2008. I was in the midst of chemotherapy at that time. I wrote: am getting a one hour, hands-on healing session from *Jane Doe today before chemo—FREE OF CHARGE! Wow, what a rush of memories as I read those words. I immediately picked up my current journal and began scribbling:

I do believe that session with Jane was what triggered my ultimate decision to discontinue chemotherapy after five, instead of the scheduled twelve, treatments. I remember that session so clearly: the flood of tears as she moved her hands above my supine body, clearing and cleansing my CHAKRAS. (There are seven CHAKRAS or energy centers through which Spirit or Creative Energy is said to enter the human body. Each of these seven centers is associated with one of the major endocrine glands.) I experienced a rush of realization: the chemo will kill you. Why are you destroying the body? Afterwards, I shared the experience with Jane, a hands-on energy healer practicing in the oncologist’s health center by his courtesy. It would be quite impolitic of her to support me in stopping chemo treatments. Her role, she explained, was to support the chemotherapy.

The chemo session that day was very difficult for me. I surrounded myself with my three animal totems: Bear, for healing and shamanistic energies; Turtle, for longevity and Panther, to lead me fearlessly to those dark places into which I’d rather not venture. Each of these three Spirit Guardians had come to me years ago in dreams and had been forgotten for the most part through the years. They resurfaced during this very challenging period of my life. Their presence was with me during the seven and a half hour surgery in 2007. I would also place their images, drawn on small wooden runes from The Path of the Feathers, on a nearby table in the chemo room.

I weep now as I realize how close I came to destroying this miracle of a body and its built-in-pre-programmed systems of healing and recovery. For I do not believe that I would be sitting here writing these words now if I had ignored inner warnings and gone ahead and completed modern medicine’s triple whammy treatment plan:

Whammy #1!

CUT—unhinged by the fear of death which, I was assured by everyone (doctors, therapist, friends, family, strangers on the bus—just joshing about that), would be my fate if I dared to not do exactly as the doctors said. So, after a year of trying a variety of alternative options and two lumpectomies with the cancer still stubbornly hanging on, I finally consented to a mastectomy and reconstruction of the right breast. I was offered the removal of the left one also—a “twofer”—just in case. I declined. The left breast appeared not to be “broken” so why fix it?

To the best of my understanding—which was totally muddled by a fear-drugged brain—the breast removal and replacement process went something like this: after cutting off the breast, the  breast surgeon then turned my body over to the waiting plastic surgeon who proceeded to build a new breast using the fat and flesh from a “tummy tuck” (which he first performed) bringing the apron of hanging fat that was previously my belly, up and under the skin—with the aid of cadaver skin—and forming it—the belly fat—into a new breast—belly stretch marks and all. Amazing, n’cest pas?

I don’t wish to come off as a flippant ingrate. I so respect and admire these highly skilled women and men who work miracles in Operating Rooms across the nation. We all do the best with what we know and believe. I was graced with the best of the best throughout this process of awakening via cancer. And I am still a very sexy mama—belly-breast and all.

Thank God or whatever IT is with whom I commune each day as I sit at my window altar watching the river flow. Thank You for interceding before I could complete that mission of self-annihilation, the wanton destruction of the body, rather than begin looking within for causes…for answers…for true healing. Instead, I chose the cowardly route and letting fear determine my decisions and actions, I declared war upon the body…upon the breast—upon the messenger—rather than taking any responsibility at all for the creation of that cancerous growth in my right breast.

Whammy #2!


Part A: chemotherapystopped by me after five treatments of a twelve treatment plan. I ceased and desisted with the war against cancer—the war against my body.

My integrative oncologist educated me about the supplements and nutrients that the body needed to counteract the destruction wrought by killer chemicals that destroy friend and foe alike—you know—the same old, collateral damage story. This so-called war against cancer is no different from the wars fought to bring freedom and democracy to those unfortunate others who refuse to be like us or the invasions and occupations of sovereign nations in order to save backward and uncivilized non western peoples from themselves. It would be falling over hilarious if it weren’t so tragic. War of any kind for any reason—especially for pious, self-serving reasons—neither heals nor saves. But I do digress.

At any rate, I was stopped from the inside out from completing the approved, medically required cut, burn and poison treatment plan for all third stage breast cancers. Look it up on the internet. It’s the standard. That’s where your oncologist gets his plan for treatment.

Part B: Tamoxifen, the standard, hormonal therapy drug (later described to me by a gynecologist as a major cause of uterine cancer) to be taken for the rest of my life. I also said no gracias to that.

Whammy #3!

BURN: as in the deliberate burning by radiation of the flesh surrounding the new breast with probable damage to nearby healthy organs and tissue, with the hope of killing any rogue, cancer cells that might have managed to escape the onslaught of knife and poison—also declined by moi!

I rest my case for the day. More positively to follow.

*not real name

Journal Entries: 3/1/08 through 3/4/08

just chugging along...

Journal Entries: 3/1/08 through 3/4/08


I will continue putting one foot before the other and see what happens in my life. I will stop obsessing over the where, why, how, who and when of whatever is to come next in this life or body. I release all concern, as in “take no thought,” for money, health or the future.

I am, of course, curious about what will unfold in this experience of being. I, however, accept what is here-now and the fact that I simply do not know what is going on in the “Mind of God.” (Human language is so limiting. That is the closest I can come to in naming that Unnameable, that Unknowable Mystery that I feel within me; underpinning this life, this reality though which I am moving.) All I do know, from that same deep place of feeling that does not appear on x-rays or MRI’s, is that in the final analysis, it is my obsession with the illusion of control that has gotten me in this pickle in the first place. My intelligence now supports the release of the illusion that I am in control of anything beyond the choice to follow the voices of the world or that one strong inaudible voice emanating from within the depths of my Soul or Essential Self.

And so, I accept that the time has come for me to let go and let this “God” do whatever it is that “God” is doing with this life and body that indeed belong to IT: The One Creator of All There Is.


Impressions from Today’s Meditation:

Stayed in the peace…the stillness…the Silence for a while; recharging my batteries; receiving the wherewithal to again enter the world and take care of pressing financial matters that I must take care if—like it or not—ready or not. I am ready for money to begin to flow easily and abundantly. I do believe that abundance is the truth of reality and that need and want are the results of errors in human thinking—in our basic beliefs about who and what we are. We are ignorant of the fact that we humans are limited. True freedom is conditioned upon the degree of one’s submission to That Which Caused Us into Being.

Mantrum for the Day (Repeated silently every time I become aware of thinking.):

Money flows to me easily and abundantly. I spend it with wisdom and have plenty left over to spare and to share. I Thank You, Supplier and Source of all that I need for fullness and fulfillment of life and self.


Insight about Money:

My Self is now leading me through this experience in order for me to move through self-created obstacles in my Money House.

I know that these challenging financial experiences are related and, the way in which I resolve or move through them, will determine the quality of my future relationship with money. The future flow of abundance or lack thereof, in the form of money, is now being determined by my current choices, beliefs, decisions and actions revolving around my finances and the money that now passes through my hands and checking account.

This is, indeed, an opportunity for me to resolve the crystallization surrounding MONEY and its liquidity—its flow through my life: in and out…like the breath. And like the breath this flow is life sustaining; for in this physical realm, money is as essential as the breath, to the sustenance of human life.

Money is merely another form of Spirit. And I am now in the process of unclogging that channel. It does not matter how it got blocked. What does matter is that I continue with this unblocking experience. Deeper understanding will come.

Journal Entry: Sunday, 4/24/11

an opening

Journal Entry: Sunday, 4/24/11

The real journey of this here-now began with those chilling words: “I’m afraid it’s breast cancer, Toni.”

What!!?? How could I have breast cancer!!!?? I’m so spiritual! I meditate every day—well—everyday that I remember to—every day that my life doesn’t get in the way. I eat only organics!! Well—except for when I eat out or don’t have time to cook a proper meal and have to make a hero on a white roll dripping with mayo—but the cold cuts are always Boarshead and only their variations of turkey breast—absolutely no meat!

Why, I earn my keep helping women less fortunate than myself;  gracing their lives with my great wisdom and the tools, techniques and strategies by which they may grow their own spiritual power. Hadn’t I devoted the past eighteen years of my life to service? Leaving the good money of the cold, greedy, selfish for-profit world to sell my God-given gifts and talents to non-profits serving those who were suffering the slings and arrows of outrageous misfortune!?

Wasn’t I already doing God’s Work!?

How could this be happening to such a good and righteous person!?

Well, let me tell you, from where I stand in this moment, in this here-now, I bless even the cancer event. I welcome and bless every single circumstance, situation and person that comes into my experience—regardless of how bad, sad, angry or frightened I feel. My one reaction, my now gut response is: What have you come to show me—to teach me about myself? What is it that I would otherwise never look at—much less change—about myself—if this so-called misfortune or tragedy had not occurred? Which of my cherished beliefs is really just a fairy tale fed to me as truth, along with my mother’s milk; keeping me frightened, docile, obedient, separated from the “other” and from the Greater…Source Reality that underlies all existence on this beloved Mother Earth.

No, there is no longer placement of blame. No recriminations. There may be such a tearing out of the hair and gnashing of the teeth; and days, months perhaps years of chipping away at the lies and self-deceptions; at the mother lode of pain, anger, even hatred that is held so close, it shuts off the flow of Love from my heart onto this human, three-dimensional, physical plane to become both form and experiences of love, joy and fulfillment of purpose.

There is now more life, more love, more of a sense of the Truth of my Being-ness flowing into the world in, as, through and for my own benefit and that of all whom my life energy touches. “i” am learning to step aside and let the I that is not “i” move through me from the inside out.

I am at the very beginning of a wonder-filled adventure into Life Itself. I would not be here-now, restored, renewed and somewhat transformed…transmuted…had it not been for the breast cancer event. I would never have peered into those dark, hidden, rejected and abandoned parts of self and begun the process of self-forgiveness and self-love that is the basis for truly spiritual being—not doingbeing. It was cancer that thrust me into this journey of initiation by the Essential Self.

Journal Entry 2/25/08: At the Gate of Heaven

an opening in the heavens

Today, I sat at the Gate of Heaven located between my eyebrows at the Third Eye. God-God-God was my mantrum and between the beats of that Holy Name, the name of the Unknowable, I felt the beat of my heart: God-thump-God-thump-God-thump…A holy rhythm that I rode into a place of  light–right there at the center of my brow where the beat of my heart was a thump, thump, thumping.

As I remained bathed in that holy light for I know not how long, these thoughts drifted into consciousness:

The energy that you allow to pour into and through you during these morning sessions is the very same Creative Energy that holds in place the universe–galaxy upon galaxy. This is the power, the only power that you need. Let it pour through you each morning and watch your life shift. Watch the blessings pour in. Watch as every earthly need is answered as you do nothing but let-allow-permit. Watch your physical body. Watch it as it gets stronger and reshapes itself from the inside out. Watch as health and holiness shine forth in a luminous glow upon your visage as you revel in the glory and strength of your new, disease-free state.

“Stand each morning at The Gate of Heaven within you, allowing the Power of the Creator to pour forth in, as, through you glorifying your world, your life, your body, mind and soul…glorifying all of ITS Creation through you.

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