As the fog lifts…
I open myself up in
Complete surrender to
The Nameless One
How would You best use me this day?
Guide me…lead me…place my feet upon the
Which The Messenger hath prepared
Grant me insight...faith…wisdom…patience and understanding
Direct my every step
Through this day
And all the days of my life
In and out of
right-doing flows from right-being…
let go…be still…surrender
and thus be made ready for Divine Service
at the appointed time
illumination does not come while shopping or bar-b-que-ing
it steals upon one slowly
in the Silence
when one is alone in the dark stillness
what is most difficult in this process of becoming whole
is the necessity of surrender
of submitting one’s ego-directed will
to Something that can only be felt…or sensed…
never known in the three-dimensional modes of
touch…sight…hearing...taste or smell
one is, nonetheless, acutely aware of
some indwelling Thing
that is more true…
than any thing in the
I’m in my space…
in my groove…
how I love this “altared” time
this sacred time
this looking in
moment of surrender…
of total submission to
whatever IT is
that caused me
you will know when and how to respond
to what Life presents…
from the inside out…
without thought from
or judgement by…
I’ve found my beat
One day out…
The next day in…
One day in the world with its
cares and tears…
The next day…
My body…my mind…my heart…my soul…
One hour out followed by one hour in…alone…
My Source of being…
One moment out–the next in
One with Life…Self…God…
out in out in out in out in out in out in...
Like my very breath…
I’ve found my rhythm
I’ve found my beat…
Changing One’s Seat of Response
How’s that for an unclear, oblique title? Let me elucidate. I awoke this morning in a real “tizzy,” as old-timers used to say. I was “hopping” mad and at the end of my “tether” (why am I using all of these antiquated “Americanisms?”) I’d had it with these Americans and their debt-crisis bull; with the Afghanistan/Pakistan mess; the demonstrations in Israel; the endless starvation and rebel nonsense in Somalia; the Greek debt, the Arab spring and on and on and on! I was pissed with the country, the world and the seemingly stupid, selfish, childish, racist, violent, greedy, un-God/Allah-like humans who inhabit it. I was ready to declare myself dictator of the world so that we could finally get it straight!
Well, I do thank Whatever it is that saves me from myself time and time again, for instead of sitting down at my computer and firing off an angry “blog,” I decided to return to a book I’ve been—not just reading—but studying for the past month or so: The Rays and The Initiations by Alice A. Bailey. My anger has subsided and I now feel moved to share the following passage with you.
“The conflict in the United States is between a love of freedom which amounts almost to irresponsibility and license, and a growing humanitarian ideology which will result in world service and non-separateness. The rays of energy governing the United States are the 6th Ray of Idealism, which is the energy of the country’s personality and the 2nd Ray of Love-Wisdom, which governs the soul of the country. …an idealism which requires transmuting and changing from idealism intensely preoccupied with the preservation of a high standard of living and physical comfort to an idealistic appreciation of the real spiritual values; these are at present veiled and hidden in the material philosophy of the country. The youthful interpretation of this idealism can be seen in the complete conviction of the American people that everything in the United States is better than anything anywhere else, in its willingness to tell all the world what should or should not be done, in its revolt from all controls, in its unthinking acceptance of any information which falls in with its preconceived ideas and prejudices; the mature aspect of American idealism leads its people to a prompt response to the good, the beautiful and the true, to the expression of an active humanitarianism and an invocative spiritual approach to reality.
“…It is the idealistic tendency in conflict with pronounced materialistic trends…which will finally evoke the harmony which will liberate the spirit of America, which will reveal to its people that it is one world and which will enable the people of this land to
harmonize with the rest of the world and draw forth the loving response of other nations. It is for this that the men (and women) of good will must work.” (Parenthesis: mine)
The language may be old and stilted but I do hope you get from it what I did. I am now at peace about my country and the world. I have a deeper understanding and a broader perspective as regards the conflict I see all around me. The planet and its inhabitants are in a state of divine tension from which follows renunciation of and liberation from: the old, no-longer-working-ways-of-being. So instead of sending a message of anger and impatience out into cyberspace, I send my love and understanding, along with the prayer that I may find my unique
role in bringing about peaceful solutions and a sense of our Oneness with each other and with The Great Mystery of this ongoing Creation.
Let us, beginning with me, learn
to…love one another.
I’ve been held house-prisoner for so many weeks this summer by the heat. Can’t take it. Yesterday was not as bad as it had been so I took advantage of being able to once again breathe outdoors, jumped on the express bus to Manhattan and headed to one of my most favorite places in the world: Central Park! Of course, with camera in-hand! Oh, the beauty of a day in Central Park. Made me feel grateful just to be alive and fortunate enough to have access to acres and acres of natural beauty just a bus ride away. It was a mini-vacation. Do enjoy my “vacation” photos!
Who needs to pack a bag, jump on plane and travel to distant shores with such peace and beauty as this, just a bus ride away? I was surprised at how few “inner city” New Yorkers take advantage of the Park.
Even the tunnels are exquisite works of art!
Looking east above the trees at the Fifth Avenue skyline…the beauty of it takes one’s breath…
Belvedere Castle set against the bluest, clearest most beautiful background “painted” by the Master!
You can see more photographs from my day in Central Park at http://www.rightstockphotos.com/view_photog.php?photogid=15
Journal Entry: July 25, 2011
Hard Lessons of This Path I’ve Chosen to Tread
I find myself at a place of great struggle to continue to submit my human will to Divine Will or the Will of Something that is greater than my needy, greedy, fearful, and filled with earthly desires human will. It ain’t easy! But then, “they” say if the Path were easy, more would tread it—or something like that. This Path I’ve chosen is one of isolation, fear and doubt yet Something keeps me pushing forward towards the Light. There is now present an inner certainty that has moved beyond mere belief into a deep visceral knowing.
I am learning to use consciousness—my mind—my thinking, reasoning capabilities. That has been my major weak point. I have always moved directly from the realm of emotions and feelings into action. God-forbid my allowing my mind or powers of reasoning to intervene. I now find myself able to maintain that state of Divine Tension: that period of extreme discomfort while waiting in the void; in the emptiness and uncertainty that precedes acting from the highest wisdom and love.
I find myself somewhat of a participating observer in what is still—surprisingly—very much my life. In fact, this changing life that I am living becomes daily more of a reflection of my deepest heart and will. I am increasingly more able to release everyday concerns and fears; to release this beingness that I am to the in-breath—the inhalation of Life—and then allowing—the out-breath—the exhalation to become the forms, events and experiences of everyday existence.
I am having to accept that I am not in charge of what is being created through my human beingness. Nor am I in a position to see—to even guess the who? When? Why? Where? And how? of the path unfolding before me. I tread a path of patience, perseverance and continued learning at the inner Altar of Knowledge.
I am finding that this great Purpose which moves me to action is of far greater importance in the overall scheme of things than my individual plans, needs and desires. I am devoted to this Purpose, this Calling of mind/Mind, heart/Heart and will/Will to a higher vibratory level of being. I will follow It in the midst of all and any human circumstances, challenges and difficulties. The glamour of the third dimension is losing its allure. I stand at the brink of a new way of being human.
“Conversations with God,” II: Journal Entries—10/12/07 – 10/14/07
You know what, God; all of this cancer information is a bit much. It’s as if everyone is afraid of cancer. Like it’s this BIG SCARY THING. I am not afraid of it. I think I’m more afraid of putting chemicals in my body but then everyone has me spooked about what will happen to me if I don’t! What do I do, Lord?
I know in the end I will follow my own heart. If I take chemo, it will be a fear-based decision. But I’m afraid not to take it. What should I do, Lord? All things being what they are, what makes best sense? But I actually don’t know how things really are. I only know what they appear to be. And we are told to ignore appearances, for appearances or physical reality is but a reflection, a three-dimensional representation of the beliefs, emotions, etc., that we hold in consciousness…What say You?
Immediate Inner Response:
At this moment, TR, you do not have the decision to make. It is not time yet. You will see Dr. S. on Monday and he will give you the facts from his viewpoint or perspective. You will make decisions as you go along, remembering that chemo will not kill you if it’s not your time to go; and believe me, child, you still have much left to do in this lifetime. Fear not! Just continue enjoying each and every day of your life as you are doing now. Do not worry about tomorrow. Stay in the NOW—in the present. Make decisions as the time for making them unfolds before you.
What do I really, really want?
The direction and tutelage of my Divine Soul; to no longer live by the decisions of my mind-personality-ego but to permit my life to unfold day by day, step by step from that inner place of knowing; knowing that all of my needs are met even before I am aware of what they are.
Phew! Overdid it again. Boy do I overestimate my physical strength. Bought too many things; the bags were too heavy; won’t do that again. There is a huge difference between walking around your apartment and walking in the street and shopping and carrying a load of groceries home. From now on I will limit my outdoor trips to the bench where I’ll sit in the sunshine!
Feeling so sad. Lonely. Down. Bored. Woman here—the aide. She’s done all of her work already; in just 1 ½ hours. She now has another 1 ½ hour to go. Wish she could leave early so that I could be alone for the rest of the day. But she has to “clock-out” by telephone; won’t get paid for the three hours if she doesn’t put the time in. And so, I have to baby sit the home health aide.
When did the sadness begin? It was right after I spoke to R and J. J had R call me from the park. He had told her that I had undergone surgery. I only confirmed to her that it was serious, that I was healing but wouldn’t be back to drumming until next summer. That made me sad. I so miss drumming in the park.
Also felt low when I got back from shopping earlier and had to come to terms with the reality of my physical condition; had to accept the fact that recovery and healing will be a slow process; that Speedo Toni has to slow down.
What am I to be doing while my body is healing, God?
Immediate Inner Response:
Understand that this is a long journey. You will not be healed and up and about and running the streets in a month or even in two or three months. This is a process. And you have been stilled despite yourself. You understand that the stillness that is required of you now, could not have been achieved without something major knocking you down and putting you out of the game. You would not have just stopped on your own. I know it and you know it. So, be still, my love. Allow your own divine soul, the Christ Part of you that is ME to finally emerge from the place where you, the ego-personality, has kept it hidden away; in the background, following the ego-leader, round and round on that merry-go-round of a life that you’ve been living since listening to your father and that psychiatrist when your daughter was still but an infant.
You must journey all the way back to that fork in the road and meet up with that young woman again. You are now free; no children; no pets; nothing but your life stretched out ahead of you; years and years more of life, a whole new lifetime before you, in which to do it over again; to do what your soul came to do before it was so thoroughly conditioned by family, racial group, society, peers…
Who are you, really? Where and how do you want to spend the rest of your life? You have more time left now than you’ve already spent from that time at the fork in the road. Go back there. Find that young woman. This time, follow her and not your father and the psychiatrist.
Slow down. You have plenty of time. Slow down. There is no rush.
And so, today I put forth the container of my self-Self to be filled and I let my Divine mission unfold before me.
Declaration of Intention- 10/14/07; Sunday, 4:52 p.m.:
I intend to find and connect with my Soul; the Essential Self that came to this flesh body to serve a unique function as part of the Godhead on earth during this lifetime. I intend to reach back in time and touch that Soul when She/It was clear; before She/It made decisions that were very much conditioned by family, society—the world. I return to a time before the decision was made to take the path that led to this moment: breast cancer-mastectomy-reconstructive surgery-laid-up-for-months-recovery, recuperation and the resultant creation of a new self.
I intend to surrender this life, the remainder of it, to the guidance, leadership and direction of my own Divine Soul-Goddess Self who came to do something that can only be done by the Soul that inhabits the body of this entity called Toni Roberts. Așe.
So be it on this 14th day of October in the year 2007.