one woman's journey to wholeness…

Posts tagged ‘cancer’

On Remaining Steadfast Before The Lies Of Reality…

Photo by Toni Roberts

Photo by Toni Roberts

sitting here at my window altar…

remembering the words of a wise and kind Yoga teacher

spoken to me in compassion and commiseration

way back in another lifetime…

he, too, had received and responded to

a message from his soul

in the form of



he cautioned

“No matter how bad things get

we must cling fast to the


and the



   we are…”

and so


as I sit mesmerized by the beauty that unfolds before my gaze

   I push on


continuing to believe

the whisperings of my soul

those inner voices that speak



in the face of the











Today Belongs To Me And The Sky…

heavenly majesty

heavenly majesty

An incorrigible cloud-gazer am I

Can’t help it

Who could resist the majesty of the sky today?

sunset 3 26 2013 020

Surely not I


I gave my life…

the focus of my attention

to the world

and its myriad




leaking faucets

maintenance men

dental appointments

the bank

the supermarket…

sunset 3 26 2013 037

Today, however,

belongs to me and the sky…

sunset 3 26 2013 022

I just might sit here at my window altar

sunset 3 26 2013 024

gazing at the majesty of

Mother Nature

until nightfall

sunset 3 26 2013 030

when the glory of

Mother Moon

sunset 3 26 2013 032

takes over the skies…

My Love Team and I…

It felt so good

reaching out this weekend

to touch





All of my “sister-friends”

and male counterparts who are

animus to my anima

Strong beings of like spirit

indomitable warriors

who never give up or lose hope…

Women and men who have learned from life

that morning always follows night

that rainbows appear

after the most frightening of storms…

that new life follows

the bloody, backbreaking,

vagina-tearing pain of


I am so grateful for this love-team…

some of us having

looked major, boogie-men killers:

like cancer…strokes..heart attacks

straight in the eye–

defying self and societal conditioning–

making the so-called, killer,

blink first…

And now, my love-team and I

march on through Life

persevering and steadfast

laughing, dancing, dreaming, drumming…earning doctorate degrees

taking on new lovers

Never looking back…

oblivious to our contemporaries

who fall by the wayside

brought down by their belief

in sickness and



“Conversations with God” II 10/12-14/07

time for deep communing...

“Conversations with God,” II: Journal Entries—10/12/07 – 10/14/07



You know what, God; all of this cancer information is a bit much. It’s as if everyone is afraid of cancer. Like it’s this BIG SCARY THING. I am not afraid of it. I think I’m more afraid of putting chemicals in my body but then everyone has me spooked about what will happen to me if I don’t! What do I do, Lord?

I know in the end I will follow my own heart. If I take chemo, it will be a fear-based decision. But I’m afraid not to take it. What should I do, Lord? All things being what they are, what makes best sense? But I actually don’t know how things really are. I only know what they appear to be. And we are told to ignore appearances, for appearances or physical reality is but a reflection, a three-dimensional representation of the beliefs, emotions, etc., that we hold in consciousness…What say You?

Immediate Inner Response:

At this moment, TR, you do not have the decision to make. It is not time yet. You will see Dr. S. on Monday and he will give you the facts from his viewpoint or perspective. You will make decisions as you go along, remembering that chemo will not kill you if it’s not your time to go; and believe me, child, you still have much left to do in this lifetime. Fear not! Just continue enjoying each and every day of your life as you are doing now. Do not worry about tomorrow. Stay in the NOW—in the present. Make decisions as the time for making them unfolds before you.



What do I really, really want?

The direction and tutelage of my Divine Soul; to no longer live by the decisions of my mind-personality-ego but to permit my life to unfold day by day, step by step from that inner place of knowing; knowing that all of my needs are met even before I am aware of what they are.

1:43 p.m.

Phew! Overdid it again. Boy do I overestimate my physical strength. Bought too many things; the bags were too heavy; won’t do that again. There is a huge difference between walking around your apartment and walking in the street and shopping and carrying a load of groceries home. From now on I will limit my outdoor trips to the bench where I’ll sit in the sunshine!

4:10 p.m.

Feeling so sad. Lonely. Down. Bored. Woman here—the aide. She’s done all of her work already; in just 1 ½ hours. She now has another 1 ½ hour to go. Wish she could leave early so that I could be alone for the rest of the day. But she has to “clock-out” by telephone; won’t get paid for the three hours if she doesn’t put the time in. And so, I have to baby sit the home health aide.

When did the sadness begin? It was right after I spoke to R and J. J had R call me from the park. He had told her that I had undergone surgery. I only confirmed to her that it was serious, that I was healing but wouldn’t be back to drumming until next summer. That made me sad. I so miss drumming in the park.

Also felt low when I got back from shopping earlier and had to come to terms with the reality of my physical condition; had to accept the fact that recovery and healing will be a slow process; that Speedo Toni has to slow down.

What am I to be doing while my body is healing, God?

Immediate Inner Response:

Understand that this is a long journey. You will not be healed and up and about and running the streets in a month or even in two or three months. This is a process. And you have been stilled despite yourself. You understand that the stillness that is required of you now, could not have been achieved without something major knocking you down and putting you out of the game. You would not have just stopped on your own. I know it and you know it. So, be still, my love. Allow your own divine soul, the Christ Part of you that is ME to finally emerge from the place where you, the ego-personality, has kept it hidden away; in the background, following the ego-leader, round and round on that merry-go-round of a life that you’ve been living since listening to your father and that psychiatrist when your daughter was still but an infant.

You must journey all the way back to that fork in the road and meet up with that young woman again. You are now free; no children; no pets; nothing but your life stretched out ahead of you; years and years more of life, a whole new lifetime before you, in which to do it over again; to do what your soul came to do before it was so thoroughly conditioned by family, racial group, society, peers…

Who are you, really? Where and how do you want to spend the rest of your life? You have more time left now than you’ve already spent from that time at the fork in the road. Go back there. Find that young woman. This time, follow her and not your father and the psychiatrist.

Slow down. You have plenty of time. Slow down. There is no rush.


And so, today I put forth the container of my self-Self to be filled and I let my Divine mission unfold before me.

Declaration of Intention- 10/14/07; Sunday, 4:52 p.m.:

I intend to find and connect with my Soul; the Essential Self that came to this flesh body to serve a unique function as part of the Godhead on earth during this lifetime. I intend to reach back in time and touch that Soul when She/It was clear; before She/It made decisions that were very much conditioned by family, society—the world. I return to a time before the decision was made to take the path that led to this moment: breast cancer-mastectomy-reconstructive surgery-laid-up-for-months-recovery, recuperation and the resultant creation of a new self.

I intend to surrender this life, the remainder of it, to the guidance, leadership and direction of my own Divine Soul-Goddess Self who came to do something that can only be done by the Soul that inhabits the body of this entity called Toni Roberts. Așe.

So be it on this 14th day of October in the year 2007.

An Early Mantrum

bringing in the light

I am Isis. I am Great Bear. I am Panther. I am Turtle.  I am Horus. I am that I am. I am Yahweh.

As my ego personality steps aside, God moves in, as and through this body bringing it into balance. Homeostasis is restored. I am whole. I am well. I am healed. All aspects of my life are healed and restored to their original divine purpose. I am divinely used to bring peace, healing and blessings to my world.

I do without doing and everything gets done.

Journal Entry Dated: February 21, 2008

shedding tears

Ready or not–it’s chemo day! Saying my prayer over and over; repeating my mantrum: I AM ISIS-GREAT BEAR-PANTHER-TURTLE-HORUS…I AM THAT I AM…

Allowing the Goddess within along with my totem animals to take over and direct this healing process.

Stay out of the way, Toni. It’s important to keep FEAR from interfering with the Great Work taking place within the confines of this physical body. Know that God is in charge.

Focus on securing freelance assignments.

Journal Entry Dated: February 18, 2008


I notice that I become antsy and impatient when the action stops; when there is a lull–a time of waiting.

I must learn to lean into these moments of quiet waiting with gratitude, for these are my moments of healing.  Like the ebb and flow of the river below,  its tide rolling in and out; inflow-outflow; action-inaction; movement-rest. This is my time to rejuvenate; to accumulate the energy it will take to travel back and forth to Greenwich, CT; to sit with the chemo drip for three hours. This is the time I need to allow the drugs, Isis and God to do Their work on mind, body and soul.

All is in God’s Time. I must remember that and stop trying to push the river…just let it flow, Toni, just let it flow…

But doubt creeps in; must let go, get back to faith and trust in God-Isis within; trust in this process…this journey. It is divinely-directed and I must fear not.

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