one woman's journey to wholeness…

Archive for the ‘cancer’ Category

A Bit of I Ching Wisdom for These Trying Days of Our Lives…

(From Hexagram 33: RETREAT)

“…the behavior of the superior (wo/)man toward a climbing inferior; (s/)he retreats into (her/)his own thoughts as the inferior…comes forward. (S/)he does not hate…for hatred is a form of subjective involvement by which we are bound to the hated object. The superior (wo/)man shows strength in that (s/)he brings the inferior to a standstill by (her) his dignified reserve.

(Note: italics are mine)

The I Ching has become a wise and dependable guide on this lifelong Journey to Wholeness. Those interested in learning (remotely) how to use this ancient Chinese oracle in their own spiritual growth and development may contact Toni Roberts, via “message” on her Facebook Page: https//:www.facebook.com/gaiadaughters

 

May our hearts fill with love and our souls remain peacefully connected with the Divine as we follow that deep and ancient Inner Knowledge that knows from whence we came and why. 

I send Peace and Love out to my troubled world. 

Toni Roberts

 

 

 

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I Am Learning To Lean Into…

Awakening; Artwork and Photo by Toni Roberts

Awakening; Artwork and Photo by Toni Roberts

the

    pain…   

to fully

feel

   grief...

   sadness...

to let it

wash

through

   me

leaving me

   cleansed

   purified

Toni Roberts’ Artwork and Photography are available at:

http://www.cafepress.com/DaughtersofGaia

http://www.cafepress.com/orishatreasures

http://www.fineartamerica.com/art/all/toni+roberts/all

http://toniroberts.imagekind.com

On Remaining Steadfast Before The Lies Of Reality…

Photo by Toni Roberts

Photo by Toni Roberts

sitting here at my window altar…

remembering the words of a wise and kind Yoga teacher

spoken to me in compassion and commiseration

way back in another lifetime…

he, too, had received and responded to

a message from his soul

in the form of

Cancer

“STEADFASTNESS”

he cautioned

“No matter how bad things get

we must cling fast to the

   TRUTH

and the

   LIGHT…

Which

   we are…”

and so

here-now

as I sit mesmerized by the beauty that unfolds before my gaze

   I push on

   STEADFAST…

continuing to believe

the whisperings of my soul

those inner voices that speak

unbelievable

TRUTHS

in the face of the

Lies

of

this

   reality…

   LIES…

 

appearing

so

   real…

Today…

cloud gazing...

cloud gazing…

Today

I give the world and its cares to

“God…”

or Whatever it is that holds the

sun and moon and stars

in place…

making sure that they arrive at their appointed places

in Time…

Today

I release the challenges, pain and fears of yesterday

I give them back to That Which Knows

from whence they came and why…

cloud gazing II...

cloud gazing II…

Today

I focus on who and what I am and

why I came…

I focus on emptying my mind of all but the peace

I am experiencing

sitting here at my altar

watching the clouds as they drift slowly across the bluest of skies

shape-shifting

as they roll slowly along their way…

Today

I learn to shape-shift like the clouds above…

adapting…adjusting and re-adjusting…

bending to the winds of Heaven

so as not to break

cloud gazing III...

cloud gazing III…

Today

The clouds teach me

com-pliancy…

resiliency…

how to yield gently to  outside pressure

without losing my beauty…

my peace…

my integrity of being…

Meditation on a Rainy Day

watching the river flow

watching the river flow

Perhaps today I will just sit and watch the river flow…

here in the warmth and safety of my sacred space

watching Ochun flow lazily twenty stories below.

She rolls calmly,

sensually

upriver…

taking her time…

refusing to be rushed by the blustering winds and

beating rain

that try to hurry her along.

So peacefully she flows…

self-contained joy in motion.

Yes.

Today I shall just sit and commune with my

Sister, Ochun.

Perhaps tomorrow I shall fill these pages with her

secret

whisperings…

“Altared” At My Altar On A Number Seven Day…Incoming Message…

Today is a number seven day…

a day of surrender to the Source of your being.

This is a very propitious time…

with much going on in the lives of those connected to you…

You must remain anchored in Spirit

Allow your God to be you…

to guide your every thought…every action…

every step you take and

word you speak.

Remember–your only job is to

keep on loving and to use your human will to

maintain conscious connection to

The Great Mystery

Let It do the Work

inas…and through you…

from the inside out…

My Love Team and I…

It felt so good

reaching out this weekend

to touch

those

whom

I

love…

All of my “sister-friends”

and male counterparts who are

animus to my anima

Strong beings of like spirit

indomitable warriors

who never give up or lose hope…

Women and men who have learned from life

that morning always follows night

that rainbows appear

after the most frightening of storms…

that new life follows

the bloody, backbreaking,

vagina-tearing pain of

childbirth…

I am so grateful for this love-team…

some of us having

looked major, boogie-men killers:

like cancer…strokes..heart attacks

straight in the eye–

defying self and societal conditioning–

making the so-called, killer,

blink first…

And now, my love-team and I

march on through Life

persevering and steadfast

laughing, dancing, dreaming, drumming…earning doctorate degrees

taking on new lovers

Never looking back…

oblivious to our contemporaries

who fall by the wayside

brought down by their belief

in sickness and

old

    age…

Hard Lessons of This Path

new horizons...

Journal Entry: July 25, 2011

Hard Lessons of This Path I’ve Chosen to Tread

I find myself at a place of great struggle to continue to submit my human will to Divine Will or the Will of Something that is greater than my needy, greedy, fearful, and filled with earthly desires human will. It ain’t easy! But then, “they” say if the Path were easy, more would tread it—or something like that. This Path I’ve chosen is one of isolation, fear and doubt yet Something keeps me pushing forward towards the Light. There is now present an inner certainty that has moved beyond mere belief into a deep visceral knowing.

I am learning to use consciousness—my mind—my thinking, reasoning capabilities. That has been my major weak point. I have always moved directly from the realm of emotions and feelings into action. God-forbid my allowing my mind or powers of reasoning to intervene. I now find myself able to maintain that state of Divine Tension: that period of extreme discomfort while waiting in the void; in the emptiness and uncertainty that precedes acting from the highest wisdom and love.

I find myself somewhat of a participating observer in what is still—surprisingly—very much my life. In fact, this changing life that I am living becomes daily more of a reflection of my deepest heart and will. I am increasingly more able to release everyday concerns and fears; to release this beingness that I am to the in-breath—the inhalation of Life—and then allowing—the out-breath—the exhalation to become the forms, events and experiences of everyday existence.

I am having to accept that I am not in charge of what is being created through my human beingness. Nor am I in a position to see—to even guess the who? When? Why? Where? And how? of the path unfolding before me. I tread a path of patience, perseverance and continued learning at the inner Altar of Knowledge.

I am finding that this great Purpose which moves me to action is of far greater importance in the overall scheme of things than my individual plans, needs and desires. I am devoted to this Purpose, this Calling of mind/Mind, heart/Heart and will/Will to a higher vibratory level of being. I will follow It in the midst of all and any human circumstances, challenges and difficulties. The glamour of the third dimension is losing its allure. I stand at the brink of a new way of being human.

Journal Entry: July 22, 2011

Arise...

Journal Entry: July 22, 2011

The temperature index range today is 106 to 112 degrees, so I know where my ass will be for the second day in a row. It’s even too hot at night to go out walking. Guess I’ll continue cleaning the apartment for exercise. I’ll walk around the house a lot—like my mother used to do—from room to room all night long. What a mad woman and no one to help her. All she had was her job and her money—that was her Savior.

I do have compassion for her now. How great her suffering must have been all of her life—from the age of eight. And no useful help; not the rich inner life that I have always had or trained outside help like psychotherapy; or the many support groups from whom I’ve benefitted through the years. I spent most of my adult life first recognizing, then accepting and owning my wounds; and then finally doing something about them. I still am involved in what appears to be a lifelong process of healing and growth. This very act of journal writing is part of “doing the work,” clearing the passageway; purifying the vehicle the instrument through which the Creation continues to unfold…

I am so grateful for this sacred time in which to turn one hundred percent of my attention…my life energy…to my passions; to the callings of my heart. I have ceased the years-long writing and re-writing of my novel. I have kissed the ghosts of those old characters good-bye and have moved on. I completed a short story; the first in more than twenty years. I’ve entered my writing and photography into competition and am actively researching online markets for my completed short story—the first of many lined up in consciousness waiting to be heard and told.

I now give very little of my attention and energy to the never-ending stream of events, circumstances and people in my external world. I am alive again. I am free. I am blessed. I am aware of being part of a world in healing; of a reversal of human focus and expenditure of energy. I am consciously connected to the One Energy—which, I am learning is a powerful, benevolent, intelligent creative force available to everyone to be used as one chooses. It comes down to the one choice we humans have—whether or not we realize it—and that sole choice is between “God and the mammon”Spirit or FleshInner or Outer

Finally (or is it once again!), I find myself at that crossroad of choice and I make the only intelligent choice. This time I’m sticking to it!

May the Force be with my Bertha butt!

Journal Entry: July 12, 2011

looking through a different window

JOURNAL ENTRY: JULY 12, 2011

Been away from blogging for a while. Busy living…thinking…contemplating my navel—learning and growing…I hope…

Decided to fast-forward re the cancer “event.” Yes, that was exactly what it turned out to be: an event—an opportunity for me to learn about who I am and why I’m here—an occasion for growth. And so, I stopped the chemo, chose life and turned within to what I call Divine Intelligence…a loving God…Spirit…and asked to be directed. There immediately followed radio announcements, chance conversations and unexpected visitors all bringing me exactly what I needed at the very moment of that need. And since that decisive day in early 2008 to this twelfth day of July, 2011, I have enjoyed the fullness of radiant health.

I’m not really sure of the direction that this Blog will now take. It is no longer up to me for I have fully and finally turned my gaze from the past; and in the here-now have submitted—surrendered—the complete and total focus of my attention to that Inner Presence.

A page from this morning’s writings may clarify:

            …enough already! Let all of that crap go! It owns you. It is still alive and well living in, as, through you! Do not think upon the past. Whenever a thought pops into mind—along with its BAD FEELINGS, simply replace it with TRUTH! And what is truth?

  1. That the thoughts and feelings that I am now experiencing are creations of the frightened child—the part of me that believes that she is ALONE in this 3-D HELL with all of its boogey-men popping up here, then there, then here again—BOO! BOO! HA! GOTCHA!
  2.  That this same part of me believes that it is disconnected from the Source of its being; from this PHONOMENOM called “God,” The Creator, the All in all. She firmly believes that the events, situations and people popping up in her daily experience—all of these “negatives” that either frighten her or make her sad—are real. Indeed, they do constitute a “reality,” however, it is one that is created and recreated by the constant focus of her mind, attention and belief upon them. It is my own mental energy keeping the boogey-men of my life alive and in place! Somewhat like walking in place and going nowhere.
  3.  BUT—simultaneously—there exists another “world,” so to speak, another Reality. The Real Reality—a TOTALLY DIFERENT HERE-NOW that exists in the same Time Space in which my human consciousness exists. And if “i” step aside and allow It—this Super Self—Christ Self to take over the direction of the Entity of which “i” am a part, It will unfold a new Reality: a Heaven on earth; in, as and through me: the “i,” Its vehicle.

It’s the same old story—the same old choice: Heaven or Earth; God or the mammon? Earth and the mammon being the creations of the “i. Versus La Diosa Crista adentro, the Christ within Who will take the oars of this “boat,” if permitted, and row it in a direction that the “i” did not chose; into areas that are yet unformed; unseen and unimaginable from the vantage point of the “i.” .

It is simply time for me to turn from contemplation of the past and begin honoring my imagination and creativity right here-now in the present; allowing my life…my very breath to flow not from the “i” but from the Center of my being where dwells That Which Breathes All into Reality…

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