one woman's journey to wholeness…

Posts tagged ‘stage three breast cancer’

“Conversations with God” II 10/12-14/07

time for deep communing...

“Conversations with God,” II: Journal Entries—10/12/07 – 10/14/07

10/12/07

Toni

You know what, God; all of this cancer information is a bit much. It’s as if everyone is afraid of cancer. Like it’s this BIG SCARY THING. I am not afraid of it. I think I’m more afraid of putting chemicals in my body but then everyone has me spooked about what will happen to me if I don’t! What do I do, Lord?

I know in the end I will follow my own heart. If I take chemo, it will be a fear-based decision. But I’m afraid not to take it. What should I do, Lord? All things being what they are, what makes best sense? But I actually don’t know how things really are. I only know what they appear to be. And we are told to ignore appearances, for appearances or physical reality is but a reflection, a three-dimensional representation of the beliefs, emotions, etc., that we hold in consciousness…What say You?

Immediate Inner Response:

At this moment, TR, you do not have the decision to make. It is not time yet. You will see Dr. S. on Monday and he will give you the facts from his viewpoint or perspective. You will make decisions as you go along, remembering that chemo will not kill you if it’s not your time to go; and believe me, child, you still have much left to do in this lifetime. Fear not! Just continue enjoying each and every day of your life as you are doing now. Do not worry about tomorrow. Stay in the NOW—in the present. Make decisions as the time for making them unfolds before you.

10/14/07

Toni

What do I really, really want?

The direction and tutelage of my Divine Soul; to no longer live by the decisions of my mind-personality-ego but to permit my life to unfold day by day, step by step from that inner place of knowing; knowing that all of my needs are met even before I am aware of what they are.

1:43 p.m.

Phew! Overdid it again. Boy do I overestimate my physical strength. Bought too many things; the bags were too heavy; won’t do that again. There is a huge difference between walking around your apartment and walking in the street and shopping and carrying a load of groceries home. From now on I will limit my outdoor trips to the bench where I’ll sit in the sunshine!

4:10 p.m.

Feeling so sad. Lonely. Down. Bored. Woman here—the aide. She’s done all of her work already; in just 1 ½ hours. She now has another 1 ½ hour to go. Wish she could leave early so that I could be alone for the rest of the day. But she has to “clock-out” by telephone; won’t get paid for the three hours if she doesn’t put the time in. And so, I have to baby sit the home health aide.

When did the sadness begin? It was right after I spoke to R and J. J had R call me from the park. He had told her that I had undergone surgery. I only confirmed to her that it was serious, that I was healing but wouldn’t be back to drumming until next summer. That made me sad. I so miss drumming in the park.

Also felt low when I got back from shopping earlier and had to come to terms with the reality of my physical condition; had to accept the fact that recovery and healing will be a slow process; that Speedo Toni has to slow down.

What am I to be doing while my body is healing, God?

Immediate Inner Response:

Understand that this is a long journey. You will not be healed and up and about and running the streets in a month or even in two or three months. This is a process. And you have been stilled despite yourself. You understand that the stillness that is required of you now, could not have been achieved without something major knocking you down and putting you out of the game. You would not have just stopped on your own. I know it and you know it. So, be still, my love. Allow your own divine soul, the Christ Part of you that is ME to finally emerge from the place where you, the ego-personality, has kept it hidden away; in the background, following the ego-leader, round and round on that merry-go-round of a life that you’ve been living since listening to your father and that psychiatrist when your daughter was still but an infant.

You must journey all the way back to that fork in the road and meet up with that young woman again. You are now free; no children; no pets; nothing but your life stretched out ahead of you; years and years more of life, a whole new lifetime before you, in which to do it over again; to do what your soul came to do before it was so thoroughly conditioned by family, racial group, society, peers…

Who are you, really? Where and how do you want to spend the rest of your life? You have more time left now than you’ve already spent from that time at the fork in the road. Go back there. Find that young woman. This time, follow her and not your father and the psychiatrist.

Slow down. You have plenty of time. Slow down. There is no rush.

Toni

And so, today I put forth the container of my self-Self to be filled and I let my Divine mission unfold before me.

Declaration of Intention- 10/14/07; Sunday, 4:52 p.m.:

I intend to find and connect with my Soul; the Essential Self that came to this flesh body to serve a unique function as part of the Godhead on earth during this lifetime. I intend to reach back in time and touch that Soul when She/It was clear; before She/It made decisions that were very much conditioned by family, society—the world. I return to a time before the decision was made to take the path that led to this moment: breast cancer-mastectomy-reconstructive surgery-laid-up-for-months-recovery, recuperation and the resultant creation of a new self.

I intend to surrender this life, the remainder of it, to the guidance, leadership and direction of my own Divine Soul-Goddess Self who came to do something that can only be done by the Soul that inhabits the body of this entity called Toni Roberts. Așe.

So be it on this 14th day of October in the year 2007.

My “Conversations with God” Oct. 5 – 8, 2007

all's right in the world...

My “Conversations with God” October 5, – October 8, 2007

10/5/07

4:24 PM

Looking at Oprah. Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of Eat, Pray, Love is being interviewed. I am feeling very jealous; but knowing that it is now that I must truly turn to God for answers for I KNOW NOT WHAT TO DO. Am very frightened re prospect of chemotherapy.

What do I do, my God? Please direct me. Thank You.

Immediate Inner Response:

This, my dear is the beginning of the real journey. Jimmy (my dead father!) will deliver the vehicle you will ride inward to the Voice and Wisdom of the Divine. All answers—your way will unfold. And without thinking or planning or even knowing, you will find that way—your way—unfolding as you place one foot before the other and walk through your life.

10/6/07

8:25 AM

Toni:

And so, God, what am I supposed to do with this day? What is it You would have me do with this day of my life? What function? What purpose?

Immediate Inner Response:

The function and purpose of your life each day, my dear one, is to live it. Not from some pre-ordained, pre-arranged “Plan” set in heaven or in earth but to live moment by moment from the truth of your heart. That is the purpose, the function of any life.

Even I do not know what you will do, how you will live in the next second of your life. For what would be the role, the function of FREE WILL if all was already set in stone by ME or any other being?

Toni:

So, instead of looking for a pre-known plan for each moment of my life, I will let it unfold as it will; paying strict attention to my own heart; my own desires; and stop trying to sublimate my desires to live the Buddhist Way; denying my desires because I believe them too carnal—too low-CHAKRA; not lofty enough for such a spiritually evolved being as I.

10/07/07

AM

What do I really, really, really want today? Well, at this moment…a peaceful day of doing absolutely nothing. To be alone with my Self in a clean apartment without the woman being here to clean it. Peace. Solitude. Maybe just Y. (my niece visiting from out of town) coming over to talk and visit with me.

PM

Did get a day alone. Well there was the visit from my friend, C. and J., the aide—but other than those two—alone—and came face to face with two of the seemingly many saboteurs who hide out within: Lady Vanity and Spoiled Child, who was actually getting into a snitch about Y., B. and G. going to my mother’s house and not coming over here. Spoiled Child “performed” for D. and the nurse, who both immediately put me in my selfish, self-centered, spoiled child place.

Toni:

God, how do I trust myself? How do I know when it is the Self or just one of the many destructive, inner saboteurs running the show? How do I know the difference?

Immediate Inner Response:

You know by the consequences.

Toni:

That’s not satisfactory. I want to avoid bad consequences by not performing the behavior that results in bad circumstances.

Immediate Inner Response:

When you feel the way you felt today; all irrationally emotional and not loved; like a neglected, unloved, abandoned child in face of the reality to the contrary; when you feel the way you did as a child—then you will know.

10/08/07

Well, what kind of day shall this be? Quiet? Pensive? Introspective? You know, God, I don’t know that I really know myself. I wonder…like Spoiled Child who threw a major tantrum yesterday because she was not the center of attention. Although in her heart, she didn’t truly want all of that company, she really expected her brother to go pick up her mother—her 87 year old mother who has been through carpal tunnel surgery, cataract surgery, two knee replacements, three heart attacks; open heart surgery; a mastectomy, a lumpectomy, radiation treatments and is who is on Tamoxifen and dozens of other drugs for-the-rest-of-her-life-mother—and bring all of them over here to Spoiled Child’s house.

Boy, I shocked and disappointed my friend, C. and of course, D., was thoroughly disgusted with me when I related the whole tale to them. Wow. It wasn’t until C. said what she said to me that I was able to look at myself and see what and who she and D. were seeing. Am I always so self-involved and self-centered? Probably.

Please help me to see myself as others see me; to see my behavior; to not let Spoiled Child and Lady Vanity run my life. Thank You. Is there anything You have to say to me this morning, God, which will perhaps cause this to be a better day? Any guidance? Direction?

Immediate Inner Response:

Stay awake. Don’t go back to sleep. Especially be very aware—attentive to your emotions. Remember how you felt when you had your Spoiled Child meltdown yesterday—the emotional pain, the anger, the feelings that they (your family) didn’t love you and that you, therefore, didn’t care about them; that you would just cross them out of your life. Ask yourself: when did you used to feel like that? When did you experience those same emotions? When you were a child! When you were not getting love in the way you needed it. When you feel that way now, it is a signal that—not so much the spoiled child—but the hurt, wounded, emotionally neglected and abandoned child has come back up to the surface of the personality, and is getting ready to run the show from her hurt, pain and wounds.

It is then time for you to remember, you are not that child any longer. You are very loved and respected by your brother, mother and especially by your nieces. They think that you are the greatest!

It is time for you to live up to the high image of yourself that you have put forward all of these years. You are being watched; from those above and those below. They are watching you very carefully to see how you come out of this challenge; a serious challenge, yes, but not necessarily deadly. Remember: you still call the shots about when to stay and when to leave; and what to do while you are here; about the quality of your journey; who you are and how you behave. Ask yourself: do I really want to stay here? What do I truly want in my heart?

Toni:

My health back! My strength! My strong, beautiful body! To be whole! Disease-free!

Reflections:

I am a spiritual warrior. One who has a mission and is committed to that mission regardless of what obstacles may appear. And what is my mission? The fulfillment of my Soul’s purpose for being here-now.

I now commit myself with discipline to find my new path; to complete this transformation and to fulfill my Soul’s function and purpose this lifetime. And I can only know and express that by exploring the deepest and tiniest desires of my heart.

I now ride the rushing waves of my life! Living fully from every CHAKRA; even the first and second! I am ready to know myself again as a sexual being. I am willing to let go of old paradigms of which I am probably not even aware and within which I am still living. I release my past. I step out of the box and am ready to jump into the void—the unknown which will lead to freedom, joy, health, abundance and love…love…love!

Journal Entry: 4/26/11

watching the river flow

Journal Entry: 4/26/11

I was reviewing an old journal entry from March 5, 2008. I was in the midst of chemotherapy at that time. I wrote: am getting a one hour, hands-on healing session from *Jane Doe today before chemo—FREE OF CHARGE! Wow, what a rush of memories as I read those words. I immediately picked up my current journal and began scribbling:

I do believe that session with Jane was what triggered my ultimate decision to discontinue chemotherapy after five, instead of the scheduled twelve, treatments. I remember that session so clearly: the flood of tears as she moved her hands above my supine body, clearing and cleansing my CHAKRAS. (There are seven CHAKRAS or energy centers through which Spirit or Creative Energy is said to enter the human body. Each of these seven centers is associated with one of the major endocrine glands.) I experienced a rush of realization: the chemo will kill you. Why are you destroying the body? Afterwards, I shared the experience with Jane, a hands-on energy healer practicing in the oncologist’s health center by his courtesy. It would be quite impolitic of her to support me in stopping chemo treatments. Her role, she explained, was to support the chemotherapy.

The chemo session that day was very difficult for me. I surrounded myself with my three animal totems: Bear, for healing and shamanistic energies; Turtle, for longevity and Panther, to lead me fearlessly to those dark places into which I’d rather not venture. Each of these three Spirit Guardians had come to me years ago in dreams and had been forgotten for the most part through the years. They resurfaced during this very challenging period of my life. Their presence was with me during the seven and a half hour surgery in 2007. I would also place their images, drawn on small wooden runes from The Path of the Feathers, on a nearby table in the chemo room.

I weep now as I realize how close I came to destroying this miracle of a body and its built-in-pre-programmed systems of healing and recovery. For I do not believe that I would be sitting here writing these words now if I had ignored inner warnings and gone ahead and completed modern medicine’s triple whammy treatment plan:

Whammy #1!

CUT—unhinged by the fear of death which, I was assured by everyone (doctors, therapist, friends, family, strangers on the bus—just joshing about that), would be my fate if I dared to not do exactly as the doctors said. So, after a year of trying a variety of alternative options and two lumpectomies with the cancer still stubbornly hanging on, I finally consented to a mastectomy and reconstruction of the right breast. I was offered the removal of the left one also—a “twofer”—just in case. I declined. The left breast appeared not to be “broken” so why fix it?

To the best of my understanding—which was totally muddled by a fear-drugged brain—the breast removal and replacement process went something like this: after cutting off the breast, the  breast surgeon then turned my body over to the waiting plastic surgeon who proceeded to build a new breast using the fat and flesh from a “tummy tuck” (which he first performed) bringing the apron of hanging fat that was previously my belly, up and under the skin—with the aid of cadaver skin—and forming it—the belly fat—into a new breast—belly stretch marks and all. Amazing, n’cest pas?

I don’t wish to come off as a flippant ingrate. I so respect and admire these highly skilled women and men who work miracles in Operating Rooms across the nation. We all do the best with what we know and believe. I was graced with the best of the best throughout this process of awakening via cancer. And I am still a very sexy mama—belly-breast and all.

Thank God or whatever IT is with whom I commune each day as I sit at my window altar watching the river flow. Thank You for interceding before I could complete that mission of self-annihilation, the wanton destruction of the body, rather than begin looking within for causes…for answers…for true healing. Instead, I chose the cowardly route and letting fear determine my decisions and actions, I declared war upon the body…upon the breast—upon the messenger—rather than taking any responsibility at all for the creation of that cancerous growth in my right breast.

Whammy #2!

POISON

Part A: chemotherapystopped by me after five treatments of a twelve treatment plan. I ceased and desisted with the war against cancer—the war against my body.

My integrative oncologist educated me about the supplements and nutrients that the body needed to counteract the destruction wrought by killer chemicals that destroy friend and foe alike—you know—the same old, collateral damage story. This so-called war against cancer is no different from the wars fought to bring freedom and democracy to those unfortunate others who refuse to be like us or the invasions and occupations of sovereign nations in order to save backward and uncivilized non western peoples from themselves. It would be falling over hilarious if it weren’t so tragic. War of any kind for any reason—especially for pious, self-serving reasons—neither heals nor saves. But I do digress.

At any rate, I was stopped from the inside out from completing the approved, medically required cut, burn and poison treatment plan for all third stage breast cancers. Look it up on the internet. It’s the standard. That’s where your oncologist gets his plan for treatment.

Part B: Tamoxifen, the standard, hormonal therapy drug (later described to me by a gynecologist as a major cause of uterine cancer) to be taken for the rest of my life. I also said no gracias to that.

Whammy #3!

BURN: as in the deliberate burning by radiation of the flesh surrounding the new breast with probable damage to nearby healthy organs and tissue, with the hope of killing any rogue, cancer cells that might have managed to escape the onslaught of knife and poison—also declined by moi!

I rest my case for the day. More positively to follow.

*not real name

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