Am learning to give this life I call “mine” back to Life: it’s rightful “Owner”
for this sense of peace, safety, love, security, assurance
which arises from a place
deep within The Mystery…
assuring me that all is well…
that You now flow freely…unobstructed in, as and through me…
as the True Author of this
called the life of Toni Roberts…
I now see shape and purpose
in the daily unfolding of a journey
that began before the beginning of time...
I am re-membering what “i” came here knowing…
even then in the ignorant, pain-filled innocence
of childhood…adolescence…young adulthood…
even then I knew
at some deep
level of being…
the purpose of this journey…
I now understand:
it is through the of deep wounds
of the soul…
that Light passes through
and with that Light…
long held down…repressed by Fear
bubbling up to the surface of being…
a chaotic…badly constructed…and purposeless
Idiot’s Tale called human life on planet earth
the experience of
from the inside out…
Journal Entry: July 25, 2011
Hard Lessons of This Path I’ve Chosen to Tread
I find myself at a place of great struggle to continue to submit my human will to Divine Will or the Will of Something that is greater than my needy, greedy, fearful, and filled with earthly desires human will. It ain’t easy! But then, “they” say if the Path were easy, more would tread it—or something like that. This Path I’ve chosen is one of isolation, fear and doubt yet Something keeps me pushing forward towards the Light. There is now present an inner certainty that has moved beyond mere belief into a deep visceral knowing.
I am learning to use consciousness—my mind—my thinking, reasoning capabilities. That has been my major weak point. I have always moved directly from the realm of emotions and feelings into action. God-forbid my allowing my mind or powers of reasoning to intervene. I now find myself able to maintain that state of Divine Tension: that period of extreme discomfort while waiting in the void; in the emptiness and uncertainty that precedes acting from the highest wisdom and love.
I find myself somewhat of a participating observer in what is still—surprisingly—very much my life. In fact, this changing life that I am living becomes daily more of a reflection of my deepest heart and will. I am increasingly more able to release everyday concerns and fears; to release this beingness that I am to the in-breath—the inhalation of Life—and then allowing—the out-breath—the exhalation to become the forms, events and experiences of everyday existence.
I am having to accept that I am not in charge of what is being created through my human beingness. Nor am I in a position to see—to even guess the who? When? Why? Where? And how? of the path unfolding before me. I tread a path of patience, perseverance and continued learning at the inner Altar of Knowledge.
I am finding that this great Purpose which moves me to action is of far greater importance in the overall scheme of things than my individual plans, needs and desires. I am devoted to this Purpose, this Calling of mind/Mind, heart/Heart and will/Will to a higher vibratory level of being. I will follow It in the midst of all and any human circumstances, challenges and difficulties. The glamour of the third dimension is losing its allure. I stand at the brink of a new way of being human.