Rainy Day Altar – Photo by Toni Roberts
an even more delicious day
than the sunshine and calm blue skies of yesterday?
Indoors On A Rainy Day – Photo by Toni Roberts
noisy splatters of raindrops
intruding upon the
clear away the debris that clogs the mind and soul
whip up the waters!
cleanse this vessel!
ready it for the
for which the Soul has come…
I’m in my space…
in my groove…
how I love this “altared” time
this sacred time
this looking in
moment of surrender…
of total submission to
whatever IT is
that caused me
Journal Entry: July 25, 2011
Hard Lessons of This Path I’ve Chosen to Tread
I find myself at a place of great struggle to continue to submit my human will to Divine Will or the Will of Something that is greater than my needy, greedy, fearful, and filled with earthly desires human will. It ain’t easy! But then, “they” say if the Path were easy, more would tread it—or something like that. This Path I’ve chosen is one of isolation, fear and doubt yet Something keeps me pushing forward towards the Light. There is now present an inner certainty that has moved beyond mere belief into a deep visceral knowing.
I am learning to use consciousness—my mind—my thinking, reasoning capabilities. That has been my major weak point. I have always moved directly from the realm of emotions and feelings into action. God-forbid my allowing my mind or powers of reasoning to intervene. I now find myself able to maintain that state of Divine Tension: that period of extreme discomfort while waiting in the void; in the emptiness and uncertainty that precedes acting from the highest wisdom and love.
I find myself somewhat of a participating observer in what is still—surprisingly—very much my life. In fact, this changing life that I am living becomes daily more of a reflection of my deepest heart and will. I am increasingly more able to release everyday concerns and fears; to release this beingness that I am to the in-breath—the inhalation of Life—and then allowing—the out-breath—the exhalation to become the forms, events and experiences of everyday existence.
I am having to accept that I am not in charge of what is being created through my human beingness. Nor am I in a position to see—to even guess the who? When? Why? Where? And how? of the path unfolding before me. I tread a path of patience, perseverance and continued learning at the inner Altar of Knowledge.
I am finding that this great Purpose which moves me to action is of far greater importance in the overall scheme of things than my individual plans, needs and desires. I am devoted to this Purpose, this Calling of mind/Mind, heart/Heart and will/Will to a higher vibratory level of being. I will follow It in the midst of all and any human circumstances, challenges and difficulties. The glamour of the third dimension is losing its allure. I stand at the brink of a new way of being human.
Journal Entry: July 22, 2011
The temperature index range today is 106 to 112 degrees, so I know where my ass will be for the second day in a row. It’s even too hot at night to go out walking. Guess I’ll continue cleaning the apartment for exercise. I’ll walk around the house a lot—like my mother used to do—from room to room all night long. What a mad woman and no one to help her. All she had was her job and her money—that was her Savior.
I do have compassion for her now. How great her suffering must have been all of her life—from the age of eight. And no useful help; not the rich inner life that I have always had or trained outside help like psychotherapy; or the many support groups from whom I’ve benefitted through the years. I spent most of my adult life first recognizing, then accepting and owning my wounds; and then finally doing something about them. I still am involved in what appears to be a lifelong process of healing and growth. This very act of journal writing is part of “doing the work,” clearing the passageway; purifying the vehicle the instrument through which the Creation continues to unfold…
I am so grateful for this sacred time in which to turn one hundred percent of my attention…my life energy…to my passions; to the callings of my heart. I have ceased the years-long writing and re-writing of my novel. I have kissed the ghosts of those old characters good-bye and have moved on. I completed a short story; the first in more than twenty years. I’ve entered my writing and photography into competition and am actively researching online markets for my completed short story—the first of many lined up in consciousness waiting to be heard and told.
I now give very little of my attention and energy to the never-ending stream of events, circumstances and people in my external world. I am alive again. I am free. I am blessed. I am aware of being part of a world in healing; of a reversal of human focus and expenditure of energy. I am consciously connected to the One Energy—which, I am learning is a powerful, benevolent, intelligent creative force available to everyone to be used as one chooses. It comes down to the one choice we humans have—whether or not we realize it—and that sole choice is between “God and the mammon”…Spirit or Flesh…Inner or Outer…
Finally (or is it once again!), I find myself at that crossroad of choice and I make the only intelligent choice. This time I’m sticking to it!
May the Force be with my Bertha butt!
looking through a different window
JOURNAL ENTRY: JULY 12, 2011
Been away from blogging for a while. Busy living…thinking…contemplating my navel—learning and growing…I hope…
Decided to fast-forward re the cancer “event.” Yes, that was exactly what it turned out to be: an event—an opportunity for me to learn about who I am and why I’m here—an occasion for growth. And so, I stopped the chemo, chose life and turned within to what I call Divine Intelligence…a loving God…Spirit…and asked to be directed. There immediately followed radio announcements, chance conversations and unexpected visitors all bringing me exactly what I needed at the very moment of that need. And since that decisive day in early 2008 to this twelfth day of July, 2011, I have enjoyed the fullness of radiant health.
I’m not really sure of the direction that this Blog will now take. It is no longer up to me for I have fully and finally turned my gaze from the past; and in the here-now have submitted—surrendered—the complete and total focus of my attention to that Inner Presence.
A page from this morning’s writings may clarify:
…enough already! Let all of that crap go! It owns you. It is still alive and well living in, as, through you! Do not think upon the past. Whenever a thought pops into mind—along with its BAD FEELINGS, simply replace it with TRUTH! And what is truth?
- That the thoughts and feelings that I am now experiencing are creations of the frightened child—the part of me that believes that she is ALONE in this 3-D HELL with all of its boogey-men popping up here, then there, then here again—BOO! BOO! HA! GOTCHA!
- That this same part of me believes that it is disconnected from the Source of its being; from this PHONOMENOM called “God,” The Creator, the All in all. She firmly believes that the events, situations and people popping up in her daily experience—all of these “negatives” that either frighten her or make her sad—are real. Indeed, they do constitute a “reality,” however, it is one that is created and recreated by the constant focus of her mind, attention and belief upon them. It is my own mental energy keeping the boogey-men of my life alive and in place! Somewhat like walking in place and going nowhere.
- BUT—simultaneously—there exists another “world,” so to speak, another Reality. The Real Reality—a TOTALLY DIFERENT HERE-NOW that exists in the same Time Space in which my human consciousness exists. And if “i” step aside and allow It—this Super Self—Christ Self to take over the direction of the Entity of which “i” am a part, It will unfold a new Reality: a Heaven on earth; in, as and through me: the “i,” Its vehicle.
It’s the same old story—the same old choice: Heaven or Earth; God or the mammon? Earth and the mammon being the creations of the “i. Versus La Diosa Crista adentro, the Christ within Who will take the oars of this “boat,” if permitted, and row it in a direction that the “i” did not chose; into areas that are yet unformed; unseen and unimaginable from the vantage point of the “i.” .
It is simply time for me to turn from contemplation of the past and begin honoring my imagination and creativity right here-now in the present; allowing my life…my very breath to flow not from the “i” but from the Center of my being where dwells That Which Breathes All into Reality…