one woman's journey to wholeness…

Archive for the ‘forgiveness’ Category

On Death By Suicide…

river post davin 3 18 16 012

River…Post-Davin; photo by Toni Roberts; copyright 2016

the loss of my beloved grandson

who last month

at the tender age of twenty-one


free will

his by divine right

and chose to exit this world quickly…

via a bullet to the head...

Got me thinking about

death by suicide…

and how all humans leave this realm

via death by suicide

   consciously…by their own hand

or unconsciously…

blaming their leave-taking on Fate or “God…”

forgetting that we are all creatures of

free will

   and that nothing

not even death is imposed upon us by some

mysterious all-powerful Force

It is we who knowingly or unknowingly

create these painful, ghastly, unimaginable  dis-eases

that debilitate and devour our our bodies

system by system…

organ by organ…

in a slow death by suicide...

Indeed…by the use or misuse of free will…

all death is by our daily decisions and choices

although my heart breaks at the thought of the degree of unendurable psychic pain

that drove my beloved to so quickly end this earthly sojourn…

this shared here-now…

I grant him his right of

conscious exercise of 


And I here-now bless the Essence of the boy-man I so loved

on Its continued journey

“Rainy Days & Sundays…”

rainy day river 001

Rainy…River…Day; Photo by Toni Roberts


Nothing like a rainy day to turn one’s attention inward…

I was sitting here at my window altar






When I uncovered tiny pockets of





   That remained


Within the dark recesses of my being…




Some of it dating back to childhood

   (And we all know how long ago that was!)…

Oh, how well I know

and remember









Eventually manifest in the




And so…

On this rainy day

I got busy with the necessary

   Inner Work



Mopping up




Cleaning out

The tons of stinking…festering…rotting


I unloaded every speck that I could find of that

Inner Garbage

So that I may walk





By yesterday’s pain

   Into tomorrow’s sunshine

New Insights On Forgiveness…

sunset 3 26 2013 032

We do not


Forgive anyone

In the sense of granting absolution

That is “God‘s” job: to forgive one’s sins against us

To forgive

In any meaningful, realistic sense

Is to release

Oneself from the shackles of




And other

Life-sapping emotions

That rage within the heart and mind

To forgive

Is to clear oneself…

Body…Mind and Soul...

Making of oneself

A passageway for


Ever open and receptive

As Life

Pours in…as…through

One’s clear and unsullied being

Into the world





It began with guilt. I could not summon up the energy–the will–to go out into this oppressive,  New York-in-August-heat to visit my ninety-two year old; “Alzheimer-ed” mother.

I do wish to do right by her instead of just being what she deserves–what she has sown.

Found myself forgiving her–again–for all of those things real and imagined that I’m still holding against her thus preventing the full influx of God Power.

I forgive you, mother. God forgives you. Forgive yourself and thus release your troubled soul–freeing it to journey back HOME where we shall surely meet again.

And in the next lifetime–should there be another lifetime for each or either of us–let us come together in peace, tolerance and love…

I release us both  from all that came before this awakening…

I release us to the Love of God.

celebration of gratitude…

I am so thankful that I am not the boss of this life

The I that I AM takes back control from the frightened, conditioned Ego…

This Ego that refuses to accept…to submit to Something Higher than Itself…

This Ego that has assigned Itself the role of directing  human consciousness

This Ego Who, with false Pride and Iron Hand maintains the illusion of personal control


Good-bye Pride…

Adios, Ego…

I bid you both adieu

As I bow down before

The Anointed One

Whom I am here to serve

As holy instrument and

Divine vehicle of Love…

An unsullied vessel through which

peace, light and healing may flow…

Blessing this life I call mine

Plus the lives of all…

In and out of the flesh

Whose energy touches mine


I hereby release all the deceptions, fear-based beliefs and

Conditioning of this world as I slowly and gratefully awaken to

Truth and Reality

Remembering 911


Remembering 911

The telephone rang. It was my daughter-in-law calling from Atlanta, GA.

“What’s happening with you people in New York? Turn on the television,” she screamed before slamming the telephone down in my ear.

What was she talking about!? And why was she waking me up so early in the morning!!

I too, was shocked, dazed, numbed, frightened beyond belief as I turned on the television and watched the twin towers slowly crumble before my unbelieving eyes.

I have done a lot of remembering in the ensuing ten years.

I remember what the bible says: …as ye sow so shall ye reap…vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord…turn the other cheek…

I remember the invasion of the tiny island of Granada by U.S. Forces in violation of international law and our own treaties…

I remember the $43 million plus humanitarian aid given by the U.S. to the Taliban in early 2001…despite common knowledge that they were giving sanctuary to al-Qaeda…

I remember the wholesale slaughter of the Native American peoples during the European conquest of these lands we now claim as our own…

I remember the murders and enslavement of millions of African peoples here in these United States…

I remember the Tuskegee experiments…

I remember Hiroshima and Nagasaki

I remember the hundreds of innocent, unarmed Black and Latino youths harassed, strip-searched and even murdered each year by U.S. Law Enforcement…

I remember that the U.S.A. has the highest documented incarceration rate in the world…

I remember that there was a relationship between the Bush family and the royal Saudi family of whom Bin Laden was a member…

I remember how he, Bin Laden, hid in plain sight for ten years

I remember that long before the illegal post-911, invasion of Iraq—carried out under false pretenses and taking full advantage of post-911 fear—Saddam Hussein was our “friend.” In fact it was U.S. financial and other assistance from the Bush administration that helped build Hussein into the power he became

I remember that an eye for an eye leaves both of us blind

And finally, in all this remembering, I remember that TRUTH lies beneath the surface of what we perceive…

I could go on and on with this remembering but what good does it serve, really? Better, perhaps, I, and the rest of the good people of this nation take a short pause from our smart phones and I Pads and Notebooks and reality shows and addictive shopping (although Bush did advise us to soothe our troubled post-911 hearts with some good old-fashioned American consumerism!) for a bit of self-examination. For it is only through self-examination that we, individually and collectively, gain an inkling of Knowledge and Understanding of who and why we are.

We might also best remember that there is no substitute for self-examination when seeking to understand why and how such a bad thing could happen to such a “good nation.” We might remember that nothing happens—just out of the blue—to anyone. We, indeed, create our own realities and experiences individually and collectively, as a nation. And as Malcolm X so astutely observed—before his mouth was permanently shut—chickens will come home to roost!

No doubt what happened on 911 was an evil deed wrought upon us by evil men. But let us remember also that war and death by mass murder is evil and unjustifiable regardless of who the perpetrator is—we or they.

And so, on this day of re-membering, I send forth a prayer of hope that one day all of us—the family of humanity—will awaken to the reality of our oneness of being and that peace and goodwill will reign on earth forever and ever

My Bronx Riviera Re-Visited

My Bronx Riviera Re-Visited                                            


Last night, sitting before my
altar…candle gazing…I became aware of the Flame’s Reflection: the little flame that “i” am.

If, indeed, it is true—as I
believe—that this human “me” this
small “i” is but a reflection of the
Great Light, the Great I AM, then
where in the purity of this Light/light
do I find the mean-spiritedness…the
smallness of self and character that
was revealed in yesterday’s blog?

What I revealed was my own shadow
self; that inner woman who has not yet embraced the Holiness of her Woman-Body;
the one who cringes at the folds above her own waist…the cellulite on her
thighs…the breasts that would hang to her waist if not haltered in the best of
bras…the one who’s words and actions are out of kilter.

I apologize to that unknown woman whose moment of meditative privacy I invaded with my camera and my scorn. I am truly sorry. Please forgive me.

Today, I honor you, Sister Crone, for the self-love and self-acceptance you represent; for your apparent knowledge that you are not your body—but a strong, bold woman of spirit comfortable in a temporary flesh suit that will be discarded upon the accomplishment of your mission here and your return to Spirit. You are a true Warrior, my sister. I aspire to reach the level of your confidence and self-assurance. You demonstrate a wholeness I’ve yet to reach.

I know that you forgive me. Thank you.

I now continue moving forward confronting the darkness that still lurks in the hidden corners of my heart; a darkness fed by fear and insecurity. And as I progress on this lifelong journey
of the spirit, walking boldly through the dark places toward the Light, the beauty of who I truly am will be reflected out into my world; healing and blessing all whom I encounter
along the way.

Tag Cloud

%d bloggers like this: