one woman's journey to wholeness…

on a clear day you can see forever...

Journal Entries: 3/11/08 -3/21/08

3/11/08:

Prayers for Healing

Give me all that I need this day to do God’s Work fully so that when all is said and done, I shall hear these words:”Well done my good and faithful servant.”

Quiet, Set! I hear you whispering in my ear. Let me not listen to your words of death and destruction…foolishness based on fear and unreality. Let my heart be quiet and filled with the loving assurance of The Indwelling God.

I let this day unfold from the inside out as Wholeness unfolding. The Indwelling Spirit of God is greater than cancer…greater than the effects of chemotherapy. God is in me, expressing as all that I am…flowing into the world through me to bless and heal myself and others.

Post Meditation Impressions

I believe that I am being “schooled” on the inner planes; set-up for the Work I came to do. The key is to stay in the consciousness of being divine; in the consciousness of being God/dess in the here-now; staying present—not a minute ago or a minute later—only NOW exists. There is no other time than this moment and everything happens in this NOW, this PRESENT. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow has not yet come. Yesterday and tomorrow do not exist. What exists is this moment in consciousness that we interpret as passing time: a human construct, not the Creator’s.

3/14/08:

Listened to a Dr. Allan Hamilton, author of The Scalpel and the Soul, on Coast to Coast last night. There are no accidents in the entire universe. My inner Goddess-Self, my Guides and Ancestors are all here working with me now to make manifest my Soul’s purpose, the Work I came to the flesh to do at just this time in the human drama. All that has come before this moment in time has been the work of the ego; the desires of the personality. My destiny the purpose of the Soul is now unfolding; even the chemotherapy is part of my journey and I am protected and will live a long and hardy life. I must know that. I must trust, have faith and be devoted to the Divine part of my own being. My greatest learning now is non-resistance as in: “RESIST YE NOT!”

Whatever the appearances I accept, accept, accept. I keep on flowing like water—around, below, above the obstacles.

My Mantrum for this day:

Today, I keep my vision steadily focused on the realm beyond physical appearances and I see the blessings and healings from God unfold one by one in my here and now. I am whole. I am healed. I am abundant and prosperous. I do God’s Work. I am in complete surrender to the flow of God within me. This body is made whole and sound. Homeostasis is re-established. I work under the guidance and direction of God.

3/18/08:

Woke up at 6:30. At 6:46 turned the radio on to see what the weather report was for the day. Heard the tail end of a commercial advertising: Natural Cures They Don’t Want You to Know About. Get your copy free. Wrote down the 800 number. Dialed it. Too long a wait. Hung up. Had to get ready for my workshop.

Later Entry:

What is this all about? Is this my Guides, Guardians telling me something? Just a week ago, my grandson said that he awoke in the wee hours and an advertorial was playing on the TV that was left on when he fell asleep. He said to me, “Nana, they said there are natural cures for cancer, and you don’t have to take chemotherapy.” Then there was that Email about Graviola. And now that Natural Cures book that grandson told me about coming up again this morning on the radio…?

I am supposed to begin adriamyacin on April 3rd. The portacath insertion has been postponed which may delay the start of the adriamyacin,  nicknamed the red devil. I know that God is working in, as and through all of this. And so, I will simply put one foot before the other today and get ready to go to my gig. If I have time, I will telephone and order the book. But maybe I’d better check my bookcases first—seems that I already have that book. At any rate, I will not ignore all of these “messages” that are coming to me.

Guide me well, Isis. Show me the difference between reality and unreality.


Later Entry:

Found a book in my bookcase by the same author: Kevin Trudeau, but not Natural Cures…that’s the one I must get. Will order it from the 800 number. Will buy some more low fat, organic cottage cheese and Barlean’s flaxseed oil on the way home and take it the way *Mary says I should take it. She shrunk her liver tumor! Will eat it for the rest of my life if necessary. Two times a day; can have if for breakfast and before bed snack.

Later Entry:

Ordered the Kevin Trudeau book, Natural Cures They Don’t Want You to Know About. $9.95 shipping and handling fees. What a rip-off! Four to six weeks for delivery.

*not real name

3/19/08:

Went to bed at 7:30 or so. Long, good sleep. I needed it!

And so, today is the day I start the rewrite job for *Lila Scott. Am really looking forward to it; wondering if my inner child might enjoy rewriting children’s stories. Will bring her back in meditation today. But I definitely have to continue sending her to **Aunt Sara on the farm when I have to go for chemo or blood work. I’m much less fearful when she’s not around. ***Lydia was right.

Did not take the cat’s claw yet. Something’s telling me not to take it while I’m taking Coumadin; will have to ask ****Liz, the chemo nurse, tomorrow. Will start my marathon water drinking today. Am kind of eager to get started on my writing assignment. As soon as I finish my prayer and meditation session, I’ll begin.

Later Entry:

Well, did the first part of my book assignment. Not easy but I enjoyed it. Have not even gotten to the actual story yet. Worked for one and one half hours. Now taking a break. Will keep careful track of my time so I can total up the hours for billing at the end of this assignment.

Ready to walk my daily mile and then go buy some red pea soup at the Jamaican restaurant; will throw in some fresh organic spinach. Yum!

3/20/08-7:30 A.M.:

Treatment day! Going to stay in prayer and affirmation mode and drink plenty of water!

Prayer Request for the Day:

To have Liz find a FAT JUICY VEIN that gives itself up to her—to the needle—to the chemo treatment; with YOU, Yahweh, flowing through me along with the drugs, directing and regulating this healing process so that only the cancer cells are gotten rid of and all of my organs and body systems are left intact, healthy and functioning as they were designed by YOU to function. I am in homeostasis now and forever. I am healed and whole. Thank YOU, my Creator and ever present Guides and Guardians. I trust in YOU. All that I need is added unto me now.

*not real name

**fictional character in my novel

***psycho-therapist not real name

****not real name


Home from Chemo:

All is well. Was able to meditate while the chemo was dripping into the vein, spreading through my body. Liz did, in fact, find a fat one that gave itself up readily to her and to the needle. Thank God, the portacath will be reinserted next week.

Will finish my thirty-two ounces of mangosteen now and then just relax; rest; rub some castor oil on hips and thighs where I ache; and on the liver area with a heating pad. Now to rest and pray.

3/21/08—The Day After Chemo:

I will let this day unfold according to Divine Will; letting God guide each foot, each thought, each word, each action as I move prayerfully through this day.

I am healed. I am whole. I let the manifestation of my healing unfold according to God’s Grace as I pick up my life where I left off on Wednesday. Thank You for a day of success yesterday. Thank You for the ease with which Liz found and entered the vein. Thank You for keeping it viable during the entire chemo session from 11:00 to 3:00! Thank you for the strength you provided to get me through a very long and wearisome day.

Thank you.



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