Journal Entry: Sunday, 4/24/11
The real journey of this here-now began with those chilling words: “I’m afraid it’s breast cancer, Toni.”
What!!?? How could I have breast cancer!!!?? I’m so spiritual! I meditate every day—well—everyday that I remember to—every day that my life doesn’t get in the way. I eat only organics!! Well—except for when I eat out or don’t have time to cook a proper meal and have to make a hero on a white roll dripping with mayo—but the cold cuts are always Boarshead and only their variations of turkey breast—absolutely no meat!
Why, I earn my keep helping women less fortunate than myself; gracing their lives with my great wisdom and the tools, techniques and strategies by which they may grow their own spiritual power. Hadn’t I devoted the past eighteen years of my life to service? Leaving the good money of the cold, greedy, selfish for-profit world to sell my God-given gifts and talents to non-profits serving those who were suffering the slings and arrows of outrageous misfortune!?
Wasn’t I already doing God’s Work!?
How could this be happening to such a good and righteous person!?
Well, let me tell you, from where I stand in this moment, in this here-now, I bless even the cancer event. I welcome and bless every single circumstance, situation and person that comes into my experience—regardless of how bad, sad, angry or frightened I feel. My one reaction, my now gut response is: What have you come to show me—to teach me about myself? What is it that I would otherwise never look at—much less change—about myself—if this so-called misfortune or tragedy had not occurred? Which of my cherished beliefs is really just a fairy tale fed to me as truth, along with my mother’s milk; keeping me frightened, docile, obedient, separated from the “other” and from the Greater…Source Reality that underlies all existence on this beloved Mother Earth.
No, there is no longer placement of blame. No recriminations. There may be such a tearing out of the hair and gnashing of the teeth; and days, months perhaps years of chipping away at the lies and self-deceptions; at the mother lode of pain, anger, even hatred that is held so close, it shuts off the flow of Love from my heart onto this human, three-dimensional, physical plane to become both form and experiences of love, joy and fulfillment of purpose.
There is now more life, more love, more of a sense of the Truth of my Being-ness flowing into the world in, as, through and for my own benefit and that of all whom my life energy touches. “i” am learning to step aside and let the I that is not “i” move through me from the inside out.
I am at the very beginning of a wonder-filled adventure into Life Itself. I would not be here-now, restored, renewed and somewhat transformed…transmuted…had it not been for the breast cancer event. I would never have peered into those dark, hidden, rejected and abandoned parts of self and begun the process of self-forgiveness and self-love that is the basis for truly spiritual being—not doing—being. It was cancer that thrust me into this journey of initiation by the Essential Self.